Tuesday, April 1, 2008
April Fools' Day
It is extremely funny and extremely young and professional to lay your boss's file cabinet drawers and loose case files out on his floor in the shape of a penis right before he is about to leave for a hearing.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Wednesday Mailbag (3/26)
Sorry for the long break. It's been a very hectic week for me. A lot of extremely professional happenings. I wanted to post on Easter Sunday but I had a tab open for 10 hours on saturday.
One question for you this week, because it comes from someone special.
Ymmij Smun from Hgrubsttip, PA writes...
Dearest Guts,
I was in my office the other day, doin my thang, when I had a noteworthy encounter with a young professionalette. My desk is by the printer and she and I passed each other in the hall. When I returned to my desk I found she had u-turned and woas sitting near the printer in such a manner as to FORCE each of us to say excuse me. This, at first, was a blatant "I want you move" by her but then I noticed her wedding band. How do I take this? P.S. Nums rules! Go Nums!
Dear Ymmij; cool name.
Every day at the office is another potential "I want you" encounter with a young professionalette or secretary. With the secretaries, married or single, it is 99% of the of the time a definite come-on on their part. With the young professionalette, this can get tricky. They are a different animal, harder to read. Wilier, cagier, different. But there are still ways to tell, if you knew what to look for.
Here are 3 things:
1) Does she go out of her way to be near you and get you talking?? If she does, beware, that shows neediness and YPettes are NOT needy. In your case, Ymmij she just got to the point where contact was made. No conversation.
point for you
2) The Wedding Ring: If she has one don't be discouraged. If she's sporting a huge rock, there's a good chance you can get to her. A couple of drinks later, while your flashing your debit card or money clip and she'll be moaning for a young professional boning. If she's just wearing the band, that could be bad. It means she doesn't need to be flashy. She's comfortable with her marriage and isn't a cheater. Disclaimer: Wedding band could also mean she wants men to fall all over her so she doesn't sport the rock. She knows the only way for a woman to succeed is with their sex appeal. So it could be love, Ymmij.
1/2 point for you.
3) Has this happened before? Think real hard. This meeting stuck with you, but now that she slipped up you may be able to notice she's been planting the seed all along. A furtive glance at the watercooler, a brush of her hair t the office happy hour, a "stronger-than-average" laugh at one of your AWESOME jokes. Think about it and you will know if you should go for it.
Potentially unlimited points for you.
Verdict: This isn't over. She wants you. Let me know how it goes.
P.S. Did you leave your socks here?
One question for you this week, because it comes from someone special.
Ymmij Smun from Hgrubsttip, PA writes...
Dearest Guts,
I was in my office the other day, doin my thang, when I had a noteworthy encounter with a young professionalette. My desk is by the printer and she and I passed each other in the hall. When I returned to my desk I found she had u-turned and woas sitting near the printer in such a manner as to FORCE each of us to say excuse me. This, at first, was a blatant "I want you move" by her but then I noticed her wedding band. How do I take this? P.S. Nums rules! Go Nums!
Dear Ymmij; cool name.
Every day at the office is another potential "I want you" encounter with a young professionalette or secretary. With the secretaries, married or single, it is 99% of the of the time a definite come-on on their part. With the young professionalette, this can get tricky. They are a different animal, harder to read. Wilier, cagier, different. But there are still ways to tell, if you knew what to look for.
Here are 3 things:
1) Does she go out of her way to be near you and get you talking?? If she does, beware, that shows neediness and YPettes are NOT needy. In your case, Ymmij she just got to the point where contact was made. No conversation.
point for you
2) The Wedding Ring: If she has one don't be discouraged. If she's sporting a huge rock, there's a good chance you can get to her. A couple of drinks later, while your flashing your debit card or money clip and she'll be moaning for a young professional boning. If she's just wearing the band, that could be bad. It means she doesn't need to be flashy. She's comfortable with her marriage and isn't a cheater. Disclaimer: Wedding band could also mean she wants men to fall all over her so she doesn't sport the rock. She knows the only way for a woman to succeed is with their sex appeal. So it could be love, Ymmij.
1/2 point for you.
3) Has this happened before? Think real hard. This meeting stuck with you, but now that she slipped up you may be able to notice she's been planting the seed all along. A furtive glance at the watercooler, a brush of her hair t the office happy hour, a "stronger-than-average" laugh at one of your AWESOME jokes. Think about it and you will know if you should go for it.
Potentially unlimited points for you.
Verdict: This isn't over. She wants you. Let me know how it goes.
P.S. Did you leave your socks here?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Now you know how it feels
Now you know how it feels to be engaged to a young professional: neglected and unloved. I told you there would be posts this weekend and I have perfectly passable excuses on why that was impossible.
Simply stated, I couldn't access this website back home. I'm not sure, but my home may be under the control of communist China. I sure hope they never find out that I know.
Also, I contracted a horrible, horrible flu today. I should have known, because I wasn't that hungry this morning. Nonetheless, I stopped by one of the convenient food trucks on campus and ordered a medium Salt and Pepper Chicken. As I write this, I can feel the sickness rising again within my stomach.
I didn't vomit, but I came pretty close. I had to excuse myself from class with just five minutes left and sit on the toilet in the bathroom. As I thought about it, it would have been really embarrassing if I DID vomit, because, as you may have guessed, my pants were down as I was sitting on the John. Force of Habit, I guess.
A fever soon followed and I was unable to complete any work until now, hoping that my enormous willpower will allow me to complete this utterly disappointing post. If you don't hear from me in a few days, continue to worry, because that's what Young Professionals do: Put their loved ones through unnecessary drama.
Note: Sad to say, but I guess I'll never have the stomach to approach the food trucks again. It's probably for the best. Expect me to lose 10 pounds this month.
Simply stated, I couldn't access this website back home. I'm not sure, but my home may be under the control of communist China. I sure hope they never find out that I know.
Also, I contracted a horrible, horrible flu today. I should have known, because I wasn't that hungry this morning. Nonetheless, I stopped by one of the convenient food trucks on campus and ordered a medium Salt and Pepper Chicken. As I write this, I can feel the sickness rising again within my stomach.
I didn't vomit, but I came pretty close. I had to excuse myself from class with just five minutes left and sit on the toilet in the bathroom. As I thought about it, it would have been really embarrassing if I DID vomit, because, as you may have guessed, my pants were down as I was sitting on the John. Force of Habit, I guess.
A fever soon followed and I was unable to complete any work until now, hoping that my enormous willpower will allow me to complete this utterly disappointing post. If you don't hear from me in a few days, continue to worry, because that's what Young Professionals do: Put their loved ones through unnecessary drama.
Note: Sad to say, but I guess I'll never have the stomach to approach the food trucks again. It's probably for the best. Expect me to lose 10 pounds this month.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I apologize
Due to a hectic and professional schedule, I haven't posted nearly as much as I should have in the past two weeks. Therefore, I will promise not 1, not 2, but 5 posts in the next 7 days! Can you believe that! I don't how I'm going to do it, but I will! Be ready, AYPGTBAYPBAYPF (the YP's stand for "Young Professional, you figure out the rest), daddy's gonna give you what you want.
Added bonus: at least two of them will be WEEKEND posts! Everybody loves weekend posts!
Added bonus: at least two of them will be WEEKEND posts! Everybody loves weekend posts!
Monday, March 17, 2008
One Very Short List: 3-17
Happy St. Patrick's Day
In the spirit of the holiday, I'm introducing my very short list for today so that I can get out of work early and hit the bars.
3-17
Guts' very short list of people he wants to hang out with strictly in a young professional kind of way (a young professional way: not gay/not straight/not confrontational/maybe confrontational/not "chummy"/not for lunch, just business baby).
1. Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse (Writers of currently strike-shortened Lost): Sirs, I have business with you. I don't think I need to elaborate.
2. James Cameron (mastermind behind Titanic (1997 Movie)): You son of a bitch. (honorable mention: Steven Spielberg for Hook. Also a son of a bitch.)
3. Eliot Spitzer (former Governor of New York): I have a business proposition for you. Perhaps you can be of service.
4. Heather Mills (former wife of Sir Paul McCartney): Looking good, you and I should talk Pounds. And I'm not talking "lbs."
That's all. Enjoy your day. Be Professional
In the spirit of the holiday, I'm introducing my very short list for today so that I can get out of work early and hit the bars.
3-17
Guts' very short list of people he wants to hang out with strictly in a young professional kind of way (a young professional way: not gay/not straight/not confrontational/maybe confrontational/not "chummy"/not for lunch, just business baby).
1. Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse (Writers of currently strike-shortened Lost): Sirs, I have business with you. I don't think I need to elaborate.
2. James Cameron (mastermind behind Titanic (1997 Movie)): You son of a bitch. (honorable mention: Steven Spielberg for Hook. Also a son of a bitch.)
3. Eliot Spitzer (former Governor of New York): I have a business proposition for you. Perhaps you can be of service.
4. Heather Mills (former wife of Sir Paul McCartney): Looking good, you and I should talk Pounds. And I'm not talking "lbs."
That's all. Enjoy your day. Be Professional
Thursday, March 13, 2008
A quick note
I have a job interview tomorrow at another law firm during my lunch break at the law firm I currently work for.
Young professionals ALWAYS make clandestine meetings with prospective new employers in a constant effort to get more money and make more contacts.
Tie that one on your bonnet.
Young professionals ALWAYS make clandestine meetings with prospective new employers in a constant effort to get more money and make more contacts.
Tie that one on your bonnet.
The Young Professional Lexicon
Friends, family, foes and fortune hunters, together we are going to start a journey. I understand for a lot of you, the language we young professionals use can seem foreign or worse, extralocal (basic definition: foreign). But together we're going to make sense of it all with periodic entries into the YOUNG PROFESSIONAL LEXICON (basic definition: dictionary).
Some of these words should be very familiar to you all, but a lexiconical presentation would make them all the more comprehensible.
Networking: n. The single most important activity/objective with which a young professional is concerned. It includes, but is not limited to anything from business soiree's at the Ritz, to country club tee times with potential clients, to 11:15 brunch, to sexing your chief rival's secretary- all of which should begin and end with a firm handshake.
v. the act of creating a contact base by ANY MEANS NECESSARY
example: Networking is the single most important objective for any young professional.
Finagle: v. Specifically, To swindle or cheat colleagues, clients, or opponents out of the final bagel at brunch using your incredible young professional wit. Or to swindle or cheat colleagues, clients, or opponents out of anything worthy of swindling or cheating for... (which is everything)
example: Scott the young professional finagled his way into subway worker Elliot's girlfriend's pants by complimenting Elliot on his taste in music and buying him and his mom scalped concert tickets to see Michael Bolton.
Soiree: n. (1) A function or event most often held for a particular purpose (expansion, contraction, outsourcing). (2) Where networking happens. (3) An event, most commonly held in a fancy hotel lobby or hotel restaurant patio bar terrace. This event is a soiree if at least one or all of the following are present: (a) Soft silver platter with several kinds of meats and cheeses arranged in a circular or double-helix formation. (The dip is spooned by "The Help"). Also, foreign pastries. (b) classical string music (most often live). (c) anywhere between 5 and 70 pea coats (more than 70 and you may be in a coat store, less than 5 and you're just at any random office party). (d) A bar that has a basic, but delicious selection of booze that covers each unique young professional taste. (i.e. beer --> one light, one amber/bock/lager, one dark. wine--> one red, one white, one blush, one port. liquor--> vodka (belvidere), rum (meyers dark and capt. morgan), scotch (cutty sark)).
example: I really enjoyed the spanokopita that the sweet hotel manager served me at the Duquesne Club's soiree.
Demopublican: n. A young professional who classifies himself politically by the two names of the two scarcely blended political parties of the United States. The Democrats or (Donkeys) and the Republicans (Elephants). This is done with an admirable degree of humility even in the face of impending political confrontation around every corner (and a future run for local office in store, Mayor of Pittsburgh here I come). However, in the long run, it is extremely beneficial NOT to present any platform, step on any toes, or label oneself too early as a young professional.
example: Overly political college junior at some state school: "Hey yo, young professional guy, how would you umm, describe yourself politically? I'm a Republican! Fuck them Iraqiites!"
Young professional: "Joe, I'm a Demopublican and I may or may not support the war in Iraq for all of the reasons I stated earlier when I said that freedom, liberty, and happiness are qualities that every man, woman and child in the world should experience and the only way to do so may or may not be to install a democracy in an otherwise undemocratic nation whose strong and powerful and admirable dictatorship once ruled for years.
see also: n. Republocrat
Compliment: n. (1) Something given to a young professional for nothing other than the simple fact that he deserves it for being. (2) A pleasant statement made by a person to a young professional. This statement is made to get in good graces with the young professional because they make the strongest allies (also the strongest enemies).
v. When a young professional tells another "person" a well-crafted lie muddled with superfluous language to the point of actually sounding like a friendly gesture or remark even without any truth behind it. synonyms: lying, joking, not telling the truth.
example: The young professional complimented the subway worker on his dapper visor.
And now you know. Stay special.
Some of these words should be very familiar to you all, but a lexiconical presentation would make them all the more comprehensible.
Networking: n. The single most important activity/objective with which a young professional is concerned. It includes, but is not limited to anything from business soiree's at the Ritz, to country club tee times with potential clients, to 11:15 brunch, to sexing your chief rival's secretary- all of which should begin and end with a firm handshake.
v. the act of creating a contact base by ANY MEANS NECESSARY
example: Networking is the single most important objective for any young professional.
Finagle: v. Specifically, To swindle or cheat colleagues, clients, or opponents out of the final bagel at brunch using your incredible young professional wit. Or to swindle or cheat colleagues, clients, or opponents out of anything worthy of swindling or cheating for... (which is everything)
example: Scott the young professional finagled his way into subway worker Elliot's girlfriend's pants by complimenting Elliot on his taste in music and buying him and his mom scalped concert tickets to see Michael Bolton.
Soiree: n. (1) A function or event most often held for a particular purpose (expansion, contraction, outsourcing). (2) Where networking happens. (3) An event, most commonly held in a fancy hotel lobby or hotel restaurant patio bar terrace. This event is a soiree if at least one or all of the following are present: (a) Soft silver platter with several kinds of meats and cheeses arranged in a circular or double-helix formation. (The dip is spooned by "The Help"). Also, foreign pastries. (b) classical string music (most often live). (c) anywhere between 5 and 70 pea coats (more than 70 and you may be in a coat store, less than 5 and you're just at any random office party). (d) A bar that has a basic, but delicious selection of booze that covers each unique young professional taste. (i.e. beer --> one light, one amber/bock/lager, one dark. wine--> one red, one white, one blush, one port. liquor--> vodka (belvidere), rum (meyers dark and capt. morgan), scotch (cutty sark)).
example: I really enjoyed the spanokopita that the sweet hotel manager served me at the Duquesne Club's soiree.
Demopublican: n. A young professional who classifies himself politically by the two names of the two scarcely blended political parties of the United States. The Democrats or (Donkeys) and the Republicans (Elephants). This is done with an admirable degree of humility even in the face of impending political confrontation around every corner (and a future run for local office in store, Mayor of Pittsburgh here I come). However, in the long run, it is extremely beneficial NOT to present any platform, step on any toes, or label oneself too early as a young professional.
example: Overly political college junior at some state school: "Hey yo, young professional guy, how would you umm, describe yourself politically? I'm a Republican! Fuck them Iraqiites!"
Young professional: "Joe, I'm a Demopublican and I may or may not support the war in Iraq for all of the reasons I stated earlier when I said that freedom, liberty, and happiness are qualities that every man, woman and child in the world should experience and the only way to do so may or may not be to install a democracy in an otherwise undemocratic nation whose strong and powerful and admirable dictatorship once ruled for years.
see also: n. Republocrat
Compliment: n. (1) Something given to a young professional for nothing other than the simple fact that he deserves it for being. (2) A pleasant statement made by a person to a young professional. This statement is made to get in good graces with the young professional because they make the strongest allies (also the strongest enemies).
v. When a young professional tells another "person" a well-crafted lie muddled with superfluous language to the point of actually sounding like a friendly gesture or remark even without any truth behind it. synonyms: lying, joking, not telling the truth.
example: The young professional complimented the subway worker on his dapper visor.
And now you know. Stay special.
Monday, March 10, 2008
What's Playing On... 3/10/08
THE YOUNG PROFESSIONAL IPOD
In today's world, technology rules. No young professional should be without an Ipod or *gasp* or mp3 player. Phones that play music are stupid, unless it's the iphone which is ridiculously stupid (see also, ridiculously cool)
That being said, some of you, (namely my fans in the pacific northwest, bible belt, and ozarks) have shown a good deal of interest in what I listen to during the day. When I'm not surfing the internet or drinking 10 cans of pepsi at once ( I can do all this because I do my work quicker than ANYONE ever.), I'm listening to my ipod and pretending like I don't care what the partners say to me or who's calling me on the phone, but I also have one ear bud out so I can hear them and relay it all back to them if they call me out.
So hear are the top 5 songs that I, Guts, am listening to, to get through the Monday work day, and that you should listen to also, if you want to immerse yourself in the young professional lifestyle.
What's playing on... my ipod.... today March 10
5. "Sympathy for the Devil" The Rolling Stones: This song is 6+ minutes of gradual buildup, it's a good starter with coffee and an everything bagel. It really gets the day "rolling."
4. "Smooth" Rob Thomas (of Matchbox 20) feat. Santana: Silky butter sound of Rob Thomas's voice coupled with the tantalizing latina strums across Carlos's guitar strings= a good day. Goes great with an english muffin.
3. "Fantastic Voyage" Coolio: What song/artist better epitomizes hip-hop than this one? Poetry. Goes great with a fruit salad and/or a cheese danish.
2. "Jock Jams:Megamix" Various: who can forget this ageless classic. It was originally released to promote the line of jock jams albums, but in the process became the definitive album of the late 90s. Sporting vintage songs athletic in nature or not such as: The Outhere Brothers "Boom, Boom, Boom", Tag Team's "Whoomp, there it is", 69 Boyz' "Tootsie Roll", and Technotronic's "Pump up the jam", this cd was and still is... fantastic. Goes great with chocolate covered cashews or potato pancakes.
1. "Never Gonna Give You Up" Rick Astley: This unbelievable single hit the charts in 1987 and has been number 1 (in my book) ever since. Goes great with ANYTHING.
Bonus tracks: "Gimme Shelter" Rolling Stones: For those mid-afternoon coke binges in the ladies' restroom.
"Pussy Control" Prince: For those mid-mid-afternoon coke binges in the ladies' restroom
In today's world, technology rules. No young professional should be without an Ipod or *gasp* or mp3 player. Phones that play music are stupid, unless it's the iphone which is ridiculously stupid (see also, ridiculously cool)
That being said, some of you, (namely my fans in the pacific northwest, bible belt, and ozarks) have shown a good deal of interest in what I listen to during the day. When I'm not surfing the internet or drinking 10 cans of pepsi at once ( I can do all this because I do my work quicker than ANYONE ever.), I'm listening to my ipod and pretending like I don't care what the partners say to me or who's calling me on the phone, but I also have one ear bud out so I can hear them and relay it all back to them if they call me out.
So hear are the top 5 songs that I, Guts, am listening to, to get through the Monday work day, and that you should listen to also, if you want to immerse yourself in the young professional lifestyle.
What's playing on... my ipod.... today March 10
5. "Sympathy for the Devil" The Rolling Stones: This song is 6+ minutes of gradual buildup, it's a good starter with coffee and an everything bagel. It really gets the day "rolling."
4. "Smooth" Rob Thomas (of Matchbox 20) feat. Santana: Silky butter sound of Rob Thomas's voice coupled with the tantalizing latina strums across Carlos's guitar strings= a good day. Goes great with an english muffin.
3. "Fantastic Voyage" Coolio: What song/artist better epitomizes hip-hop than this one? Poetry. Goes great with a fruit salad and/or a cheese danish.
2. "Jock Jams:Megamix" Various: who can forget this ageless classic. It was originally released to promote the line of jock jams albums, but in the process became the definitive album of the late 90s. Sporting vintage songs athletic in nature or not such as: The Outhere Brothers "Boom, Boom, Boom", Tag Team's "Whoomp, there it is", 69 Boyz' "Tootsie Roll", and Technotronic's "Pump up the jam", this cd was and still is... fantastic. Goes great with chocolate covered cashews or potato pancakes.
1. "Never Gonna Give You Up" Rick Astley: This unbelievable single hit the charts in 1987 and has been number 1 (in my book) ever since. Goes great with ANYTHING.
Bonus tracks: "Gimme Shelter" Rolling Stones: For those mid-afternoon coke binges in the ladies' restroom.
"Pussy Control" Prince: For those mid-mid-afternoon coke binges in the ladies' restroom
Friday, March 7, 2008
3/7/08 Mailbag!
It's Friday, and that only means one thing: (well, besides leaving work fashionably early and heading to happy hour to buy rounds that is) it's time to sort through the mailbag. Last week I answered five questions out of hundreds of thousands of millions from our fans, aspiring young professionals everywhere. This week. I'll answer 5 more.
Reggie McNelson from Sacramento, CA writes....
Dear Guts,
I have a big golf outing with the partners from another investment banking firm. My boss is unable to attend and I have to go in his place, to "network." This is my first real big networking event, and it's golf on top of that and i'm a 10 handicap. How should I approach this delicate situation?
Dear Reggie,
I am extremely glad that you asked this question. I can't tell you how many letters I get each week from aspiring young professionals asking me how to handle situations just like yours. It seems like every day another YP is thrust into his very first networking situation and it always has several layers to it. I particular think your case is a compelling one. I'll address both the golfing and the networking.
First off, you need to be better at golf and fast. I can't remember the last time I had a double-digit handicap. Reggie, keep in mind you'll be meeting with professionals. These people have had years to practicie golf while neglecting their work (salty old procrastinators) they're at least 3 or 4 handicappers. What you need to do is get yourself in the 6-8 range. They won't be expecting some course record out of you, but they will expect you to be able to hit a draw from the right rough 168 yards out and stick it for a ten-foot birdie putt. The best advice I can give you when it comes to the golf is stay loose. Be confident, bring LOTS of cigars, at least 3 for each of you, if you don't smoke, start smoking, a lot, 1-3 cigars at a time to build a tolerance. Professionals love cigars and they talk about them, more than they talk about business. Also, CHEAT, and let them see you cheating. Improve your lie, kick a ball out from under a tree, CHEAT and CHEAT HARD and CHEAT CONSPICUOUSLY, they'll admire your guts.
As far as networking goes, your boss has dealt with these people a thousand times, so act like you did too. Call them by their first names, make up nicknames for them like Buster and Sport, young nicknames, they won't know what hit them, and if they come at you, just slide your business card out of your sleeve and hit them in the pocket with it. Make jokes about your boss not being able to show up, for example "Mr. Dickwad couldn't make it today. He's not very good at golf and even worse at networking." Then take a practice swing, hold the follow through, wink at the one you think most liked your joke, and then offer him a cigar.
Mick "Hollywood" Healy from South Bend, IN writes....
Guts,
I'm lost here. I followed your advice and asked my girlfriend of 9 minutes to marry me. She said no, and that I was moving too fast. But then she kissed me and said she still wants to make this work. I know you said I should just move on and engage some other "ho" but I really like this one, and I'm willing to put in the work for her. However, my respect and admiration for you is so great. I don't know what to do.
Mick,
I don't know what to say to you man. You had me at "I followed your advice." I should have just stopped reading there and thrown your letter into the "I helped another one" pile, but for some reason I continued to read. I read all the way to the part where you said "I know you said I should do blah blah but I blah blah" and boy was I pissed. You should do whatever I said to do. First of all, if that "girl" didn't say she'd marry you after 9 whole minutes, then you OBVIOUSLY didn't spend the first 8 minutes properly conveying how successful you were. You probably spent them COMPLIMENTING HER. No! I can not stress this enough. You state absolutely true and inflated statistics about yourself and wait for her to compliment you.
Oh and for kicks, I read the end. You like her enough to put the work in for her? Is she your reflection? because if she isn't than she isn't worth it. Once you decide to go in it for the long haul, after she turned down your initial engagement request, you've lost all control. Next she'll be driving your car or knocking you up or worse, voting libertarian in the upcoming election.
Patch Adams from Charlotte, NC writes...
Dear Guts,
First off I want to say I read this blog every day. If you don't update I wait patiently refreshing every half hour until you do. I think you are strong and sexy. You are a voice for all of us. That said, I hope this question makes it into your column so that everyone will know how much I love you. Question: Are you a Capricorn? I'm a Libra. Just kidding. Real Question. Who are you endorsing in the upcoming election? McCain or Hillary or Obama?
Patch,
I can't help but think Nums put you up to this, or that you are, in fact, Nums himself. However, on the off chance that you are a real fan and really do love me. I'll include you in this week. I knew this question would come up eventually. Most people just ask me if I'm Republicrat or Democrublican (see I can't even distinguish), or if I voted for Bush or Kerry or Nader. I haven't had many questions about '08. I want to put it out there right now, that I will in no way reveal what I am registered as in the state of Pennsylvania, nor will I put a formal endorsement out there until the field is a head to head matchup. After seeing one debate I will have enough knowledge to make an informed decision and I will present it in a manner befitting my status as a young professional. Patch, even though your love for me speaks volumes, I cannot truly answer this question. We all know that the pitfall of many young professionals is that they are too cavalier politically, that they will openly and positively discuss politics in any forum and more often than not, they something they will regret like Hillary Clinton is a psycho hose beast, Obama-Jihad, or McCain (you mean the dead guy?).
P.S. I'm a Gemini (twice the young professional you'll ever be)
Christine Thickpants from Baton Rouge, LA writes...
Dear Asshole,
That's right, I called you an asshole. Because that is what you are. Do you think that your post about women in 1943 was funny? It was degrading. Times have changed, and as a young professional, or a "self-proclaimed" young professional, you should know that women have assumed more power in the 21st century. We're equal. I was an avid follower of your columns but now, you've lost a fan. I might even start my own.
Christine?
I'm terribly sorry. I don't speak Cajun. Until they get a Cajun to English translator on the Interweb I don't think I'll be able to respond to you. Using my extensive forensic knowledge I did some cross-referencing and hair sampling and found that you did put a date in there, 1943. I'm not sure if that's a birthdate or a reference to an article that I found on the Internet about employing women? Either way, happy birthday.
Bruce Sykes from Caledonia, OH writes...
Dear Guts,
I am graduating college this spring and will probably try and get a job and start my life as a young professional. I've been reading what you and Nums have to say and I really think I could do this. I just had a couple questions that I don't think you clarified yet. 1. What sorts of TV shows or movies should I be watching? 2. Do you and Nums have a book club? and 3. I read in Urban Dictionary that a young professional is: I quote "A recent college graduate whose main objectives in life include: career advancement, becoming financially secure, spending too much of their yearly income on expensive clothing and maintaining a busy social life. ex. The young professionals drank martinis at the bar while comparing their Prada shoes and financial portfolios. What do you think of that?
Bruce,
This question is very upsetting to me. I'll answer in order.
1. I suggest watching tv shows that present complex storylines, relate to your profession, make you think outside the office. No MTV, No VH1, I'm talking shows like Lost and Jeopardy. I'm particularly a big fan of Dexter. Nums and I also watch a lot of Law and Order, the History Channel, and American Idol. Also, check in on CNN every once in a while and beef up on your politics. While I do not condone harboring strong to very strong political feelings, I do condone knowing everything. This question also may inspire me in the future to post a strong to very strong tv-write up
2. We do not have a "book club." Book clubs are for old women who have nothing better to do with their time i.e. Oprah, my Aunt Darla, and your mom. We do, however, promote reading books such as Ziggy, GQ, Forbes and Time. Also, authors who are considered edgy, Noir, avant-garde, or pretty much any other french word, are good and necessary reads. Nums is a little less lenient when it comes to reading so if you want to know how he feels ask him.
3. Urban dictionary? What is that? Some sort of Hip-Hop group. I'm confused. It's people like that who give what we do a rap. No pun intended. Martinis??? are you kidding me? Maybe when I'm 45 and about to die!
Spending too much of my yearly income... of course... on expensive clothing? Absolutely not. A young professional sho uld blow his wage on Everything. Strippers, beer, a fast audi, then maybe think about clothing.
Compare prada shoes and financial portfolios? What the hell is prada? Is it fine Italian alligator skin that I stole from an opponent? Does comparing mean stomping my competition with my shoes? If it is and if it does, then maybe this Urban Dictionary group is on to something. Oh and I don't know about you, but I never take my financial portfolio out with me. No! that shit is hanging on my wall above my head board (my bronze headboard) and the only way you are getting a chance to compare yours with it is if I'm making loveless animal sex with you.
Until next time. Stand tall. Fly Straight. Eat your vegetables. Live forever.
Reggie McNelson from Sacramento, CA writes....
Dear Guts,
I have a big golf outing with the partners from another investment banking firm. My boss is unable to attend and I have to go in his place, to "network." This is my first real big networking event, and it's golf on top of that and i'm a 10 handicap. How should I approach this delicate situation?
Dear Reggie,
I am extremely glad that you asked this question. I can't tell you how many letters I get each week from aspiring young professionals asking me how to handle situations just like yours. It seems like every day another YP is thrust into his very first networking situation and it always has several layers to it. I particular think your case is a compelling one. I'll address both the golfing and the networking.
First off, you need to be better at golf and fast. I can't remember the last time I had a double-digit handicap. Reggie, keep in mind you'll be meeting with professionals. These people have had years to practicie golf while neglecting their work (salty old procrastinators) they're at least 3 or 4 handicappers. What you need to do is get yourself in the 6-8 range. They won't be expecting some course record out of you, but they will expect you to be able to hit a draw from the right rough 168 yards out and stick it for a ten-foot birdie putt. The best advice I can give you when it comes to the golf is stay loose. Be confident, bring LOTS of cigars, at least 3 for each of you, if you don't smoke, start smoking, a lot, 1-3 cigars at a time to build a tolerance. Professionals love cigars and they talk about them, more than they talk about business. Also, CHEAT, and let them see you cheating. Improve your lie, kick a ball out from under a tree, CHEAT and CHEAT HARD and CHEAT CONSPICUOUSLY, they'll admire your guts.
As far as networking goes, your boss has dealt with these people a thousand times, so act like you did too. Call them by their first names, make up nicknames for them like Buster and Sport, young nicknames, they won't know what hit them, and if they come at you, just slide your business card out of your sleeve and hit them in the pocket with it. Make jokes about your boss not being able to show up, for example "Mr. Dickwad couldn't make it today. He's not very good at golf and even worse at networking." Then take a practice swing, hold the follow through, wink at the one you think most liked your joke, and then offer him a cigar.
Mick "Hollywood" Healy from South Bend, IN writes....
Guts,
I'm lost here. I followed your advice and asked my girlfriend of 9 minutes to marry me. She said no, and that I was moving too fast. But then she kissed me and said she still wants to make this work. I know you said I should just move on and engage some other "ho" but I really like this one, and I'm willing to put in the work for her. However, my respect and admiration for you is so great. I don't know what to do.
Mick,
I don't know what to say to you man. You had me at "I followed your advice." I should have just stopped reading there and thrown your letter into the "I helped another one" pile, but for some reason I continued to read. I read all the way to the part where you said "I know you said I should do blah blah but I blah blah" and boy was I pissed. You should do whatever I said to do. First of all, if that "girl" didn't say she'd marry you after 9 whole minutes, then you OBVIOUSLY didn't spend the first 8 minutes properly conveying how successful you were. You probably spent them COMPLIMENTING HER. No! I can not stress this enough. You state absolutely true and inflated statistics about yourself and wait for her to compliment you.
Oh and for kicks, I read the end. You like her enough to put the work in for her? Is she your reflection? because if she isn't than she isn't worth it. Once you decide to go in it for the long haul, after she turned down your initial engagement request, you've lost all control. Next she'll be driving your car or knocking you up or worse, voting libertarian in the upcoming election.
Patch Adams from Charlotte, NC writes...
Dear Guts,
First off I want to say I read this blog every day. If you don't update I wait patiently refreshing every half hour until you do. I think you are strong and sexy. You are a voice for all of us. That said, I hope this question makes it into your column so that everyone will know how much I love you. Question: Are you a Capricorn? I'm a Libra. Just kidding. Real Question. Who are you endorsing in the upcoming election? McCain or Hillary or Obama?
Patch,
I can't help but think Nums put you up to this, or that you are, in fact, Nums himself. However, on the off chance that you are a real fan and really do love me. I'll include you in this week. I knew this question would come up eventually. Most people just ask me if I'm Republicrat or Democrublican (see I can't even distinguish), or if I voted for Bush or Kerry or Nader. I haven't had many questions about '08. I want to put it out there right now, that I will in no way reveal what I am registered as in the state of Pennsylvania, nor will I put a formal endorsement out there until the field is a head to head matchup. After seeing one debate I will have enough knowledge to make an informed decision and I will present it in a manner befitting my status as a young professional. Patch, even though your love for me speaks volumes, I cannot truly answer this question. We all know that the pitfall of many young professionals is that they are too cavalier politically, that they will openly and positively discuss politics in any forum and more often than not, they something they will regret like Hillary Clinton is a psycho hose beast, Obama-Jihad, or McCain (you mean the dead guy?).
P.S. I'm a Gemini (twice the young professional you'll ever be)
Christine Thickpants from Baton Rouge, LA writes...
Dear Asshole,
That's right, I called you an asshole. Because that is what you are. Do you think that your post about women in 1943 was funny? It was degrading. Times have changed, and as a young professional, or a "self-proclaimed" young professional, you should know that women have assumed more power in the 21st century. We're equal. I was an avid follower of your columns but now, you've lost a fan. I might even start my own.
Christine?
I'm terribly sorry. I don't speak Cajun. Until they get a Cajun to English translator on the Interweb I don't think I'll be able to respond to you. Using my extensive forensic knowledge I did some cross-referencing and hair sampling and found that you did put a date in there, 1943. I'm not sure if that's a birthdate or a reference to an article that I found on the Internet about employing women? Either way, happy birthday.
Bruce Sykes from Caledonia, OH writes...
Dear Guts,
I am graduating college this spring and will probably try and get a job and start my life as a young professional. I've been reading what you and Nums have to say and I really think I could do this. I just had a couple questions that I don't think you clarified yet. 1. What sorts of TV shows or movies should I be watching? 2. Do you and Nums have a book club? and 3. I read in Urban Dictionary that a young professional is: I quote "A recent college graduate whose main objectives in life include: career advancement, becoming financially secure, spending too much of their yearly income on expensive clothing and maintaining a busy social life. ex. The young professionals drank martinis at the bar while comparing their Prada shoes and financial portfolios. What do you think of that?
Bruce,
This question is very upsetting to me. I'll answer in order.
1. I suggest watching tv shows that present complex storylines, relate to your profession, make you think outside the office. No MTV, No VH1, I'm talking shows like Lost and Jeopardy. I'm particularly a big fan of Dexter. Nums and I also watch a lot of Law and Order, the History Channel, and American Idol. Also, check in on CNN every once in a while and beef up on your politics. While I do not condone harboring strong to very strong political feelings, I do condone knowing everything. This question also may inspire me in the future to post a strong to very strong tv-write up
2. We do not have a "book club." Book clubs are for old women who have nothing better to do with their time i.e. Oprah, my Aunt Darla, and your mom. We do, however, promote reading books such as Ziggy, GQ, Forbes and Time. Also, authors who are considered edgy, Noir, avant-garde, or pretty much any other french word, are good and necessary reads. Nums is a little less lenient when it comes to reading so if you want to know how he feels ask him.
3. Urban dictionary? What is that? Some sort of Hip-Hop group. I'm confused. It's people like that who give what we do a rap. No pun intended. Martinis??? are you kidding me? Maybe when I'm 45 and about to die!
Spending too much of my yearly income... of course... on expensive clothing? Absolutely not. A young professional sho uld blow his wage on Everything. Strippers, beer, a fast audi, then maybe think about clothing.
Compare prada shoes and financial portfolios? What the hell is prada? Is it fine Italian alligator skin that I stole from an opponent? Does comparing mean stomping my competition with my shoes? If it is and if it does, then maybe this Urban Dictionary group is on to something. Oh and I don't know about you, but I never take my financial portfolio out with me. No! that shit is hanging on my wall above my head board (my bronze headboard) and the only way you are getting a chance to compare yours with it is if I'm making loveless animal sex with you.
Until next time. Stand tall. Fly Straight. Eat your vegetables. Live forever.
Profile of a Young Professional Hero: Pu Yi
Today, China is a place where Olympic competitions are held and pork is both sweet AND sour. It is a communist place, and therefore, I assume, a dreadful place where Russian guys drink lots of Vodka. But it wasn't long ago that the country was under the steadfast stewardship of a young professional, Emperor Pu Yi.
Born in 1906, the child showed early signs of immense potential. So much talent, in fact, that his uncle, the Emperor of China, decided to die so that Pu Yi could take over at the age of two. In order to ascend to the throne, though, he had to first impress some old hag called the Emperess Dowager Cixi. I'm not sure who that is, but with a name like Cixi, she was probably a dumpster slut (I know that you're thinking, "Jimmy, you shouldn't insult the Chinese royal family like that, you might get in trouble." But what you just missed was that I was, that's right, networking. You see, with the communists firmly in charge, I was just making some connections. There is nothing communist bureaucrats enjoy more than bashing the people they overthrew. For example, check out this young professional gem I found in a memoir published by a young professional in 1918: "When Lenin finally got rid of the Czar, I thought it best to go pay my respects. After we had finished talking, I got up to leave, but neglected to hear him invite me to brunch. 'Lord Thrustmore', Lenin cried, 'Why are you running off at this time?' To which I replied, 'I'm not running off, I'm Romanov!'" That is how you network!).
After he became emperor at age 2, he got to work initiating a series of reforms, such as learning to walk and use a toilet (but not at the same time). His reforms were popular among his constituents. They really couldn't be unpopular, however, as he was pretty much revered as a God. While some would say that clouded his judgment as a young professional, I say it only helped. Most young professionals (myself included) are forced to go through life imagining that they are a god. Pu Yi actually was a god. That's how all coworkers should view a man in our position. At least this guy's workforce acknowledged it and did away with the formalities.
A brief word on his workforce. They weren't the normal group of men, in that, they were eunuchs. Now, I by no means endorse the castration of all male subordinants in today's workplace. I'm just saying, HYPOTHETICALLY, that if I were in charge of a large organization and I had fears of my family being forcibly removed from power and replaced by another man who had dreams of starting his own dynasty, castrating all male employees would make sense. But, there are few HMO's that cover occupational removal of the testes, so however logical it may be, it's impractical in today's world.
A proud and powerful young man, he enjoyed the fruits of the flesh. I bet your asking yourself, "Well, I hope he didn't get married." Unfortunately, your fears would be realized as he did marry a woman at the age of 16. FORTUNATELY, he had the wisdom to marry two women at once. This demonstrates that there are always exceptions to the rules of being a young professional. For us non-gods, marriage is like a trap. The harder we pull away, the harder it pulls us in. Not for Pu Yi, however. By getting an extra pair of fingers in there, he turned a chinese finger trap into chinese finger... well, you get the idea. But don't worry, he still treated both of his wifes with the utmost professional disdain and lovelessness. His empress spiraled down into a deep pit of opium-fueled depression and died in a Japanese prison, while his other wife was a concubine that sought divorce from him in later years and was disowned by her descendants, who demoted her to a commoner.
Sadly, in a verse sung many times throughout the opera of human history, these great times did not last. Civil strife led to large scale revolts which led to Pu Yi being removed from power. He came back to power when he was installed as a puppet ruler under the Japanese. But that did not long and, before you know it, he faded into the background of communist China (In case you're talking to a chinese communist and someone mentions Pu Yi, just say "Pu Yi? P-U!" That should get some laughs).
His ascension to power at an extremely young age showed his impressive ability and innate understanding of what it took to be a young professional. There are many lessons to learn from this man, and I hope I imparted some of that knowledge to you.
Considering the above, I feel no need to further prove his young professional heritage. However, if doubters remain, I offer this last bit argument. His name was Pu Yi. In some asian dialects (as he probably spoke an asian language), I'm pretty sure that the last name comes first. Therefore, if you were to Americanize his name, it would be Yi Pu. I think you see where I'm going here, but if you don't, take a look at those initials, Y.P. They are the very same initials that follow the name of every polished, charming, thoroughly capable 20-something business person. That's right, Y.P. = Young Professional. Now if that ain't proof, I don't know what is. Boom!
Until next week, prioritize and professionalize.
Born in 1906, the child showed early signs of immense potential. So much talent, in fact, that his uncle, the Emperor of China, decided to die so that Pu Yi could take over at the age of two. In order to ascend to the throne, though, he had to first impress some old hag called the Emperess Dowager Cixi. I'm not sure who that is, but with a name like Cixi, she was probably a dumpster slut (I know that you're thinking, "Jimmy, you shouldn't insult the Chinese royal family like that, you might get in trouble." But what you just missed was that I was, that's right, networking. You see, with the communists firmly in charge, I was just making some connections. There is nothing communist bureaucrats enjoy more than bashing the people they overthrew. For example, check out this young professional gem I found in a memoir published by a young professional in 1918: "When Lenin finally got rid of the Czar, I thought it best to go pay my respects. After we had finished talking, I got up to leave, but neglected to hear him invite me to brunch. 'Lord Thrustmore', Lenin cried, 'Why are you running off at this time?' To which I replied, 'I'm not running off, I'm Romanov!'" That is how you network!).
After he became emperor at age 2, he got to work initiating a series of reforms, such as learning to walk and use a toilet (but not at the same time). His reforms were popular among his constituents. They really couldn't be unpopular, however, as he was pretty much revered as a God. While some would say that clouded his judgment as a young professional, I say it only helped. Most young professionals (myself included) are forced to go through life imagining that they are a god. Pu Yi actually was a god. That's how all coworkers should view a man in our position. At least this guy's workforce acknowledged it and did away with the formalities.
A brief word on his workforce. They weren't the normal group of men, in that, they were eunuchs. Now, I by no means endorse the castration of all male subordinants in today's workplace. I'm just saying, HYPOTHETICALLY, that if I were in charge of a large organization and I had fears of my family being forcibly removed from power and replaced by another man who had dreams of starting his own dynasty, castrating all male employees would make sense. But, there are few HMO's that cover occupational removal of the testes, so however logical it may be, it's impractical in today's world.
A proud and powerful young man, he enjoyed the fruits of the flesh. I bet your asking yourself, "Well, I hope he didn't get married." Unfortunately, your fears would be realized as he did marry a woman at the age of 16. FORTUNATELY, he had the wisdom to marry two women at once. This demonstrates that there are always exceptions to the rules of being a young professional. For us non-gods, marriage is like a trap. The harder we pull away, the harder it pulls us in. Not for Pu Yi, however. By getting an extra pair of fingers in there, he turned a chinese finger trap into chinese finger... well, you get the idea. But don't worry, he still treated both of his wifes with the utmost professional disdain and lovelessness. His empress spiraled down into a deep pit of opium-fueled depression and died in a Japanese prison, while his other wife was a concubine that sought divorce from him in later years and was disowned by her descendants, who demoted her to a commoner.
Sadly, in a verse sung many times throughout the opera of human history, these great times did not last. Civil strife led to large scale revolts which led to Pu Yi being removed from power. He came back to power when he was installed as a puppet ruler under the Japanese. But that did not long and, before you know it, he faded into the background of communist China (In case you're talking to a chinese communist and someone mentions Pu Yi, just say "Pu Yi? P-U!" That should get some laughs).
His ascension to power at an extremely young age showed his impressive ability and innate understanding of what it took to be a young professional. There are many lessons to learn from this man, and I hope I imparted some of that knowledge to you.
Considering the above, I feel no need to further prove his young professional heritage. However, if doubters remain, I offer this last bit argument. His name was Pu Yi. In some asian dialects (as he probably spoke an asian language), I'm pretty sure that the last name comes first. Therefore, if you were to Americanize his name, it would be Yi Pu. I think you see where I'm going here, but if you don't, take a look at those initials, Y.P. They are the very same initials that follow the name of every polished, charming, thoroughly capable 20-something business person. That's right, Y.P. = Young Professional. Now if that ain't proof, I don't know what is. Boom!
Until next week, prioritize and professionalize.
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