Tuesday, April 1, 2008
April Fools' Day
It is extremely funny and extremely young and professional to lay your boss's file cabinet drawers and loose case files out on his floor in the shape of a penis right before he is about to leave for a hearing.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Wednesday Mailbag (3/26)
Sorry for the long break. It's been a very hectic week for me. A lot of extremely professional happenings. I wanted to post on Easter Sunday but I had a tab open for 10 hours on saturday.
One question for you this week, because it comes from someone special.
Ymmij Smun from Hgrubsttip, PA writes...
Dearest Guts,
I was in my office the other day, doin my thang, when I had a noteworthy encounter with a young professionalette. My desk is by the printer and she and I passed each other in the hall. When I returned to my desk I found she had u-turned and woas sitting near the printer in such a manner as to FORCE each of us to say excuse me. This, at first, was a blatant "I want you move" by her but then I noticed her wedding band. How do I take this? P.S. Nums rules! Go Nums!
Dear Ymmij; cool name.
Every day at the office is another potential "I want you" encounter with a young professionalette or secretary. With the secretaries, married or single, it is 99% of the of the time a definite come-on on their part. With the young professionalette, this can get tricky. They are a different animal, harder to read. Wilier, cagier, different. But there are still ways to tell, if you knew what to look for.
Here are 3 things:
1) Does she go out of her way to be near you and get you talking?? If she does, beware, that shows neediness and YPettes are NOT needy. In your case, Ymmij she just got to the point where contact was made. No conversation.
point for you
2) The Wedding Ring: If she has one don't be discouraged. If she's sporting a huge rock, there's a good chance you can get to her. A couple of drinks later, while your flashing your debit card or money clip and she'll be moaning for a young professional boning. If she's just wearing the band, that could be bad. It means she doesn't need to be flashy. She's comfortable with her marriage and isn't a cheater. Disclaimer: Wedding band could also mean she wants men to fall all over her so she doesn't sport the rock. She knows the only way for a woman to succeed is with their sex appeal. So it could be love, Ymmij.
1/2 point for you.
3) Has this happened before? Think real hard. This meeting stuck with you, but now that she slipped up you may be able to notice she's been planting the seed all along. A furtive glance at the watercooler, a brush of her hair t the office happy hour, a "stronger-than-average" laugh at one of your AWESOME jokes. Think about it and you will know if you should go for it.
Potentially unlimited points for you.
Verdict: This isn't over. She wants you. Let me know how it goes.
P.S. Did you leave your socks here?
One question for you this week, because it comes from someone special.
Ymmij Smun from Hgrubsttip, PA writes...
Dearest Guts,
I was in my office the other day, doin my thang, when I had a noteworthy encounter with a young professionalette. My desk is by the printer and she and I passed each other in the hall. When I returned to my desk I found she had u-turned and woas sitting near the printer in such a manner as to FORCE each of us to say excuse me. This, at first, was a blatant "I want you move" by her but then I noticed her wedding band. How do I take this? P.S. Nums rules! Go Nums!
Dear Ymmij; cool name.
Every day at the office is another potential "I want you" encounter with a young professionalette or secretary. With the secretaries, married or single, it is 99% of the of the time a definite come-on on their part. With the young professionalette, this can get tricky. They are a different animal, harder to read. Wilier, cagier, different. But there are still ways to tell, if you knew what to look for.
Here are 3 things:
1) Does she go out of her way to be near you and get you talking?? If she does, beware, that shows neediness and YPettes are NOT needy. In your case, Ymmij she just got to the point where contact was made. No conversation.
point for you
2) The Wedding Ring: If she has one don't be discouraged. If she's sporting a huge rock, there's a good chance you can get to her. A couple of drinks later, while your flashing your debit card or money clip and she'll be moaning for a young professional boning. If she's just wearing the band, that could be bad. It means she doesn't need to be flashy. She's comfortable with her marriage and isn't a cheater. Disclaimer: Wedding band could also mean she wants men to fall all over her so she doesn't sport the rock. She knows the only way for a woman to succeed is with their sex appeal. So it could be love, Ymmij.
1/2 point for you.
3) Has this happened before? Think real hard. This meeting stuck with you, but now that she slipped up you may be able to notice she's been planting the seed all along. A furtive glance at the watercooler, a brush of her hair t the office happy hour, a "stronger-than-average" laugh at one of your AWESOME jokes. Think about it and you will know if you should go for it.
Potentially unlimited points for you.
Verdict: This isn't over. She wants you. Let me know how it goes.
P.S. Did you leave your socks here?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Now you know how it feels
Now you know how it feels to be engaged to a young professional: neglected and unloved. I told you there would be posts this weekend and I have perfectly passable excuses on why that was impossible.
Simply stated, I couldn't access this website back home. I'm not sure, but my home may be under the control of communist China. I sure hope they never find out that I know.
Also, I contracted a horrible, horrible flu today. I should have known, because I wasn't that hungry this morning. Nonetheless, I stopped by one of the convenient food trucks on campus and ordered a medium Salt and Pepper Chicken. As I write this, I can feel the sickness rising again within my stomach.
I didn't vomit, but I came pretty close. I had to excuse myself from class with just five minutes left and sit on the toilet in the bathroom. As I thought about it, it would have been really embarrassing if I DID vomit, because, as you may have guessed, my pants were down as I was sitting on the John. Force of Habit, I guess.
A fever soon followed and I was unable to complete any work until now, hoping that my enormous willpower will allow me to complete this utterly disappointing post. If you don't hear from me in a few days, continue to worry, because that's what Young Professionals do: Put their loved ones through unnecessary drama.
Note: Sad to say, but I guess I'll never have the stomach to approach the food trucks again. It's probably for the best. Expect me to lose 10 pounds this month.
Simply stated, I couldn't access this website back home. I'm not sure, but my home may be under the control of communist China. I sure hope they never find out that I know.
Also, I contracted a horrible, horrible flu today. I should have known, because I wasn't that hungry this morning. Nonetheless, I stopped by one of the convenient food trucks on campus and ordered a medium Salt and Pepper Chicken. As I write this, I can feel the sickness rising again within my stomach.
I didn't vomit, but I came pretty close. I had to excuse myself from class with just five minutes left and sit on the toilet in the bathroom. As I thought about it, it would have been really embarrassing if I DID vomit, because, as you may have guessed, my pants were down as I was sitting on the John. Force of Habit, I guess.
A fever soon followed and I was unable to complete any work until now, hoping that my enormous willpower will allow me to complete this utterly disappointing post. If you don't hear from me in a few days, continue to worry, because that's what Young Professionals do: Put their loved ones through unnecessary drama.
Note: Sad to say, but I guess I'll never have the stomach to approach the food trucks again. It's probably for the best. Expect me to lose 10 pounds this month.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I apologize
Due to a hectic and professional schedule, I haven't posted nearly as much as I should have in the past two weeks. Therefore, I will promise not 1, not 2, but 5 posts in the next 7 days! Can you believe that! I don't how I'm going to do it, but I will! Be ready, AYPGTBAYPBAYPF (the YP's stand for "Young Professional, you figure out the rest), daddy's gonna give you what you want.
Added bonus: at least two of them will be WEEKEND posts! Everybody loves weekend posts!
Added bonus: at least two of them will be WEEKEND posts! Everybody loves weekend posts!
Monday, March 17, 2008
One Very Short List: 3-17
Happy St. Patrick's Day
In the spirit of the holiday, I'm introducing my very short list for today so that I can get out of work early and hit the bars.
3-17
Guts' very short list of people he wants to hang out with strictly in a young professional kind of way (a young professional way: not gay/not straight/not confrontational/maybe confrontational/not "chummy"/not for lunch, just business baby).
1. Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse (Writers of currently strike-shortened Lost): Sirs, I have business with you. I don't think I need to elaborate.
2. James Cameron (mastermind behind Titanic (1997 Movie)): You son of a bitch. (honorable mention: Steven Spielberg for Hook. Also a son of a bitch.)
3. Eliot Spitzer (former Governor of New York): I have a business proposition for you. Perhaps you can be of service.
4. Heather Mills (former wife of Sir Paul McCartney): Looking good, you and I should talk Pounds. And I'm not talking "lbs."
That's all. Enjoy your day. Be Professional
In the spirit of the holiday, I'm introducing my very short list for today so that I can get out of work early and hit the bars.
3-17
Guts' very short list of people he wants to hang out with strictly in a young professional kind of way (a young professional way: not gay/not straight/not confrontational/maybe confrontational/not "chummy"/not for lunch, just business baby).
1. Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse (Writers of currently strike-shortened Lost): Sirs, I have business with you. I don't think I need to elaborate.
2. James Cameron (mastermind behind Titanic (1997 Movie)): You son of a bitch. (honorable mention: Steven Spielberg for Hook. Also a son of a bitch.)
3. Eliot Spitzer (former Governor of New York): I have a business proposition for you. Perhaps you can be of service.
4. Heather Mills (former wife of Sir Paul McCartney): Looking good, you and I should talk Pounds. And I'm not talking "lbs."
That's all. Enjoy your day. Be Professional
Thursday, March 13, 2008
A quick note
I have a job interview tomorrow at another law firm during my lunch break at the law firm I currently work for.
Young professionals ALWAYS make clandestine meetings with prospective new employers in a constant effort to get more money and make more contacts.
Tie that one on your bonnet.
Young professionals ALWAYS make clandestine meetings with prospective new employers in a constant effort to get more money and make more contacts.
Tie that one on your bonnet.
The Young Professional Lexicon
Friends, family, foes and fortune hunters, together we are going to start a journey. I understand for a lot of you, the language we young professionals use can seem foreign or worse, extralocal (basic definition: foreign). But together we're going to make sense of it all with periodic entries into the YOUNG PROFESSIONAL LEXICON (basic definition: dictionary).
Some of these words should be very familiar to you all, but a lexiconical presentation would make them all the more comprehensible.
Networking: n. The single most important activity/objective with which a young professional is concerned. It includes, but is not limited to anything from business soiree's at the Ritz, to country club tee times with potential clients, to 11:15 brunch, to sexing your chief rival's secretary- all of which should begin and end with a firm handshake.
v. the act of creating a contact base by ANY MEANS NECESSARY
example: Networking is the single most important objective for any young professional.
Finagle: v. Specifically, To swindle or cheat colleagues, clients, or opponents out of the final bagel at brunch using your incredible young professional wit. Or to swindle or cheat colleagues, clients, or opponents out of anything worthy of swindling or cheating for... (which is everything)
example: Scott the young professional finagled his way into subway worker Elliot's girlfriend's pants by complimenting Elliot on his taste in music and buying him and his mom scalped concert tickets to see Michael Bolton.
Soiree: n. (1) A function or event most often held for a particular purpose (expansion, contraction, outsourcing). (2) Where networking happens. (3) An event, most commonly held in a fancy hotel lobby or hotel restaurant patio bar terrace. This event is a soiree if at least one or all of the following are present: (a) Soft silver platter with several kinds of meats and cheeses arranged in a circular or double-helix formation. (The dip is spooned by "The Help"). Also, foreign pastries. (b) classical string music (most often live). (c) anywhere between 5 and 70 pea coats (more than 70 and you may be in a coat store, less than 5 and you're just at any random office party). (d) A bar that has a basic, but delicious selection of booze that covers each unique young professional taste. (i.e. beer --> one light, one amber/bock/lager, one dark. wine--> one red, one white, one blush, one port. liquor--> vodka (belvidere), rum (meyers dark and capt. morgan), scotch (cutty sark)).
example: I really enjoyed the spanokopita that the sweet hotel manager served me at the Duquesne Club's soiree.
Demopublican: n. A young professional who classifies himself politically by the two names of the two scarcely blended political parties of the United States. The Democrats or (Donkeys) and the Republicans (Elephants). This is done with an admirable degree of humility even in the face of impending political confrontation around every corner (and a future run for local office in store, Mayor of Pittsburgh here I come). However, in the long run, it is extremely beneficial NOT to present any platform, step on any toes, or label oneself too early as a young professional.
example: Overly political college junior at some state school: "Hey yo, young professional guy, how would you umm, describe yourself politically? I'm a Republican! Fuck them Iraqiites!"
Young professional: "Joe, I'm a Demopublican and I may or may not support the war in Iraq for all of the reasons I stated earlier when I said that freedom, liberty, and happiness are qualities that every man, woman and child in the world should experience and the only way to do so may or may not be to install a democracy in an otherwise undemocratic nation whose strong and powerful and admirable dictatorship once ruled for years.
see also: n. Republocrat
Compliment: n. (1) Something given to a young professional for nothing other than the simple fact that he deserves it for being. (2) A pleasant statement made by a person to a young professional. This statement is made to get in good graces with the young professional because they make the strongest allies (also the strongest enemies).
v. When a young professional tells another "person" a well-crafted lie muddled with superfluous language to the point of actually sounding like a friendly gesture or remark even without any truth behind it. synonyms: lying, joking, not telling the truth.
example: The young professional complimented the subway worker on his dapper visor.
And now you know. Stay special.
Some of these words should be very familiar to you all, but a lexiconical presentation would make them all the more comprehensible.
Networking: n. The single most important activity/objective with which a young professional is concerned. It includes, but is not limited to anything from business soiree's at the Ritz, to country club tee times with potential clients, to 11:15 brunch, to sexing your chief rival's secretary- all of which should begin and end with a firm handshake.
v. the act of creating a contact base by ANY MEANS NECESSARY
example: Networking is the single most important objective for any young professional.
Finagle: v. Specifically, To swindle or cheat colleagues, clients, or opponents out of the final bagel at brunch using your incredible young professional wit. Or to swindle or cheat colleagues, clients, or opponents out of anything worthy of swindling or cheating for... (which is everything)
example: Scott the young professional finagled his way into subway worker Elliot's girlfriend's pants by complimenting Elliot on his taste in music and buying him and his mom scalped concert tickets to see Michael Bolton.
Soiree: n. (1) A function or event most often held for a particular purpose (expansion, contraction, outsourcing). (2) Where networking happens. (3) An event, most commonly held in a fancy hotel lobby or hotel restaurant patio bar terrace. This event is a soiree if at least one or all of the following are present: (a) Soft silver platter with several kinds of meats and cheeses arranged in a circular or double-helix formation. (The dip is spooned by "The Help"). Also, foreign pastries. (b) classical string music (most often live). (c) anywhere between 5 and 70 pea coats (more than 70 and you may be in a coat store, less than 5 and you're just at any random office party). (d) A bar that has a basic, but delicious selection of booze that covers each unique young professional taste. (i.e. beer --> one light, one amber/bock/lager, one dark. wine--> one red, one white, one blush, one port. liquor--> vodka (belvidere), rum (meyers dark and capt. morgan), scotch (cutty sark)).
example: I really enjoyed the spanokopita that the sweet hotel manager served me at the Duquesne Club's soiree.
Demopublican: n. A young professional who classifies himself politically by the two names of the two scarcely blended political parties of the United States. The Democrats or (Donkeys) and the Republicans (Elephants). This is done with an admirable degree of humility even in the face of impending political confrontation around every corner (and a future run for local office in store, Mayor of Pittsburgh here I come). However, in the long run, it is extremely beneficial NOT to present any platform, step on any toes, or label oneself too early as a young professional.
example: Overly political college junior at some state school: "Hey yo, young professional guy, how would you umm, describe yourself politically? I'm a Republican! Fuck them Iraqiites!"
Young professional: "Joe, I'm a Demopublican and I may or may not support the war in Iraq for all of the reasons I stated earlier when I said that freedom, liberty, and happiness are qualities that every man, woman and child in the world should experience and the only way to do so may or may not be to install a democracy in an otherwise undemocratic nation whose strong and powerful and admirable dictatorship once ruled for years.
see also: n. Republocrat
Compliment: n. (1) Something given to a young professional for nothing other than the simple fact that he deserves it for being. (2) A pleasant statement made by a person to a young professional. This statement is made to get in good graces with the young professional because they make the strongest allies (also the strongest enemies).
v. When a young professional tells another "person" a well-crafted lie muddled with superfluous language to the point of actually sounding like a friendly gesture or remark even without any truth behind it. synonyms: lying, joking, not telling the truth.
example: The young professional complimented the subway worker on his dapper visor.
And now you know. Stay special.
Monday, March 10, 2008
What's Playing On... 3/10/08
THE YOUNG PROFESSIONAL IPOD
In today's world, technology rules. No young professional should be without an Ipod or *gasp* or mp3 player. Phones that play music are stupid, unless it's the iphone which is ridiculously stupid (see also, ridiculously cool)
That being said, some of you, (namely my fans in the pacific northwest, bible belt, and ozarks) have shown a good deal of interest in what I listen to during the day. When I'm not surfing the internet or drinking 10 cans of pepsi at once ( I can do all this because I do my work quicker than ANYONE ever.), I'm listening to my ipod and pretending like I don't care what the partners say to me or who's calling me on the phone, but I also have one ear bud out so I can hear them and relay it all back to them if they call me out.
So hear are the top 5 songs that I, Guts, am listening to, to get through the Monday work day, and that you should listen to also, if you want to immerse yourself in the young professional lifestyle.
What's playing on... my ipod.... today March 10
5. "Sympathy for the Devil" The Rolling Stones: This song is 6+ minutes of gradual buildup, it's a good starter with coffee and an everything bagel. It really gets the day "rolling."
4. "Smooth" Rob Thomas (of Matchbox 20) feat. Santana: Silky butter sound of Rob Thomas's voice coupled with the tantalizing latina strums across Carlos's guitar strings= a good day. Goes great with an english muffin.
3. "Fantastic Voyage" Coolio: What song/artist better epitomizes hip-hop than this one? Poetry. Goes great with a fruit salad and/or a cheese danish.
2. "Jock Jams:Megamix" Various: who can forget this ageless classic. It was originally released to promote the line of jock jams albums, but in the process became the definitive album of the late 90s. Sporting vintage songs athletic in nature or not such as: The Outhere Brothers "Boom, Boom, Boom", Tag Team's "Whoomp, there it is", 69 Boyz' "Tootsie Roll", and Technotronic's "Pump up the jam", this cd was and still is... fantastic. Goes great with chocolate covered cashews or potato pancakes.
1. "Never Gonna Give You Up" Rick Astley: This unbelievable single hit the charts in 1987 and has been number 1 (in my book) ever since. Goes great with ANYTHING.
Bonus tracks: "Gimme Shelter" Rolling Stones: For those mid-afternoon coke binges in the ladies' restroom.
"Pussy Control" Prince: For those mid-mid-afternoon coke binges in the ladies' restroom
In today's world, technology rules. No young professional should be without an Ipod or *gasp* or mp3 player. Phones that play music are stupid, unless it's the iphone which is ridiculously stupid (see also, ridiculously cool)
That being said, some of you, (namely my fans in the pacific northwest, bible belt, and ozarks) have shown a good deal of interest in what I listen to during the day. When I'm not surfing the internet or drinking 10 cans of pepsi at once ( I can do all this because I do my work quicker than ANYONE ever.), I'm listening to my ipod and pretending like I don't care what the partners say to me or who's calling me on the phone, but I also have one ear bud out so I can hear them and relay it all back to them if they call me out.
So hear are the top 5 songs that I, Guts, am listening to, to get through the Monday work day, and that you should listen to also, if you want to immerse yourself in the young professional lifestyle.
What's playing on... my ipod.... today March 10
5. "Sympathy for the Devil" The Rolling Stones: This song is 6+ minutes of gradual buildup, it's a good starter with coffee and an everything bagel. It really gets the day "rolling."
4. "Smooth" Rob Thomas (of Matchbox 20) feat. Santana: Silky butter sound of Rob Thomas's voice coupled with the tantalizing latina strums across Carlos's guitar strings= a good day. Goes great with an english muffin.
3. "Fantastic Voyage" Coolio: What song/artist better epitomizes hip-hop than this one? Poetry. Goes great with a fruit salad and/or a cheese danish.
2. "Jock Jams:Megamix" Various: who can forget this ageless classic. It was originally released to promote the line of jock jams albums, but in the process became the definitive album of the late 90s. Sporting vintage songs athletic in nature or not such as: The Outhere Brothers "Boom, Boom, Boom", Tag Team's "Whoomp, there it is", 69 Boyz' "Tootsie Roll", and Technotronic's "Pump up the jam", this cd was and still is... fantastic. Goes great with chocolate covered cashews or potato pancakes.
1. "Never Gonna Give You Up" Rick Astley: This unbelievable single hit the charts in 1987 and has been number 1 (in my book) ever since. Goes great with ANYTHING.
Bonus tracks: "Gimme Shelter" Rolling Stones: For those mid-afternoon coke binges in the ladies' restroom.
"Pussy Control" Prince: For those mid-mid-afternoon coke binges in the ladies' restroom
Friday, March 7, 2008
3/7/08 Mailbag!
It's Friday, and that only means one thing: (well, besides leaving work fashionably early and heading to happy hour to buy rounds that is) it's time to sort through the mailbag. Last week I answered five questions out of hundreds of thousands of millions from our fans, aspiring young professionals everywhere. This week. I'll answer 5 more.
Reggie McNelson from Sacramento, CA writes....
Dear Guts,
I have a big golf outing with the partners from another investment banking firm. My boss is unable to attend and I have to go in his place, to "network." This is my first real big networking event, and it's golf on top of that and i'm a 10 handicap. How should I approach this delicate situation?
Dear Reggie,
I am extremely glad that you asked this question. I can't tell you how many letters I get each week from aspiring young professionals asking me how to handle situations just like yours. It seems like every day another YP is thrust into his very first networking situation and it always has several layers to it. I particular think your case is a compelling one. I'll address both the golfing and the networking.
First off, you need to be better at golf and fast. I can't remember the last time I had a double-digit handicap. Reggie, keep in mind you'll be meeting with professionals. These people have had years to practicie golf while neglecting their work (salty old procrastinators) they're at least 3 or 4 handicappers. What you need to do is get yourself in the 6-8 range. They won't be expecting some course record out of you, but they will expect you to be able to hit a draw from the right rough 168 yards out and stick it for a ten-foot birdie putt. The best advice I can give you when it comes to the golf is stay loose. Be confident, bring LOTS of cigars, at least 3 for each of you, if you don't smoke, start smoking, a lot, 1-3 cigars at a time to build a tolerance. Professionals love cigars and they talk about them, more than they talk about business. Also, CHEAT, and let them see you cheating. Improve your lie, kick a ball out from under a tree, CHEAT and CHEAT HARD and CHEAT CONSPICUOUSLY, they'll admire your guts.
As far as networking goes, your boss has dealt with these people a thousand times, so act like you did too. Call them by their first names, make up nicknames for them like Buster and Sport, young nicknames, they won't know what hit them, and if they come at you, just slide your business card out of your sleeve and hit them in the pocket with it. Make jokes about your boss not being able to show up, for example "Mr. Dickwad couldn't make it today. He's not very good at golf and even worse at networking." Then take a practice swing, hold the follow through, wink at the one you think most liked your joke, and then offer him a cigar.
Mick "Hollywood" Healy from South Bend, IN writes....
Guts,
I'm lost here. I followed your advice and asked my girlfriend of 9 minutes to marry me. She said no, and that I was moving too fast. But then she kissed me and said she still wants to make this work. I know you said I should just move on and engage some other "ho" but I really like this one, and I'm willing to put in the work for her. However, my respect and admiration for you is so great. I don't know what to do.
Mick,
I don't know what to say to you man. You had me at "I followed your advice." I should have just stopped reading there and thrown your letter into the "I helped another one" pile, but for some reason I continued to read. I read all the way to the part where you said "I know you said I should do blah blah but I blah blah" and boy was I pissed. You should do whatever I said to do. First of all, if that "girl" didn't say she'd marry you after 9 whole minutes, then you OBVIOUSLY didn't spend the first 8 minutes properly conveying how successful you were. You probably spent them COMPLIMENTING HER. No! I can not stress this enough. You state absolutely true and inflated statistics about yourself and wait for her to compliment you.
Oh and for kicks, I read the end. You like her enough to put the work in for her? Is she your reflection? because if she isn't than she isn't worth it. Once you decide to go in it for the long haul, after she turned down your initial engagement request, you've lost all control. Next she'll be driving your car or knocking you up or worse, voting libertarian in the upcoming election.
Patch Adams from Charlotte, NC writes...
Dear Guts,
First off I want to say I read this blog every day. If you don't update I wait patiently refreshing every half hour until you do. I think you are strong and sexy. You are a voice for all of us. That said, I hope this question makes it into your column so that everyone will know how much I love you. Question: Are you a Capricorn? I'm a Libra. Just kidding. Real Question. Who are you endorsing in the upcoming election? McCain or Hillary or Obama?
Patch,
I can't help but think Nums put you up to this, or that you are, in fact, Nums himself. However, on the off chance that you are a real fan and really do love me. I'll include you in this week. I knew this question would come up eventually. Most people just ask me if I'm Republicrat or Democrublican (see I can't even distinguish), or if I voted for Bush or Kerry or Nader. I haven't had many questions about '08. I want to put it out there right now, that I will in no way reveal what I am registered as in the state of Pennsylvania, nor will I put a formal endorsement out there until the field is a head to head matchup. After seeing one debate I will have enough knowledge to make an informed decision and I will present it in a manner befitting my status as a young professional. Patch, even though your love for me speaks volumes, I cannot truly answer this question. We all know that the pitfall of many young professionals is that they are too cavalier politically, that they will openly and positively discuss politics in any forum and more often than not, they something they will regret like Hillary Clinton is a psycho hose beast, Obama-Jihad, or McCain (you mean the dead guy?).
P.S. I'm a Gemini (twice the young professional you'll ever be)
Christine Thickpants from Baton Rouge, LA writes...
Dear Asshole,
That's right, I called you an asshole. Because that is what you are. Do you think that your post about women in 1943 was funny? It was degrading. Times have changed, and as a young professional, or a "self-proclaimed" young professional, you should know that women have assumed more power in the 21st century. We're equal. I was an avid follower of your columns but now, you've lost a fan. I might even start my own.
Christine?
I'm terribly sorry. I don't speak Cajun. Until they get a Cajun to English translator on the Interweb I don't think I'll be able to respond to you. Using my extensive forensic knowledge I did some cross-referencing and hair sampling and found that you did put a date in there, 1943. I'm not sure if that's a birthdate or a reference to an article that I found on the Internet about employing women? Either way, happy birthday.
Bruce Sykes from Caledonia, OH writes...
Dear Guts,
I am graduating college this spring and will probably try and get a job and start my life as a young professional. I've been reading what you and Nums have to say and I really think I could do this. I just had a couple questions that I don't think you clarified yet. 1. What sorts of TV shows or movies should I be watching? 2. Do you and Nums have a book club? and 3. I read in Urban Dictionary that a young professional is: I quote "A recent college graduate whose main objectives in life include: career advancement, becoming financially secure, spending too much of their yearly income on expensive clothing and maintaining a busy social life. ex. The young professionals drank martinis at the bar while comparing their Prada shoes and financial portfolios. What do you think of that?
Bruce,
This question is very upsetting to me. I'll answer in order.
1. I suggest watching tv shows that present complex storylines, relate to your profession, make you think outside the office. No MTV, No VH1, I'm talking shows like Lost and Jeopardy. I'm particularly a big fan of Dexter. Nums and I also watch a lot of Law and Order, the History Channel, and American Idol. Also, check in on CNN every once in a while and beef up on your politics. While I do not condone harboring strong to very strong political feelings, I do condone knowing everything. This question also may inspire me in the future to post a strong to very strong tv-write up
2. We do not have a "book club." Book clubs are for old women who have nothing better to do with their time i.e. Oprah, my Aunt Darla, and your mom. We do, however, promote reading books such as Ziggy, GQ, Forbes and Time. Also, authors who are considered edgy, Noir, avant-garde, or pretty much any other french word, are good and necessary reads. Nums is a little less lenient when it comes to reading so if you want to know how he feels ask him.
3. Urban dictionary? What is that? Some sort of Hip-Hop group. I'm confused. It's people like that who give what we do a rap. No pun intended. Martinis??? are you kidding me? Maybe when I'm 45 and about to die!
Spending too much of my yearly income... of course... on expensive clothing? Absolutely not. A young professional sho uld blow his wage on Everything. Strippers, beer, a fast audi, then maybe think about clothing.
Compare prada shoes and financial portfolios? What the hell is prada? Is it fine Italian alligator skin that I stole from an opponent? Does comparing mean stomping my competition with my shoes? If it is and if it does, then maybe this Urban Dictionary group is on to something. Oh and I don't know about you, but I never take my financial portfolio out with me. No! that shit is hanging on my wall above my head board (my bronze headboard) and the only way you are getting a chance to compare yours with it is if I'm making loveless animal sex with you.
Until next time. Stand tall. Fly Straight. Eat your vegetables. Live forever.
Reggie McNelson from Sacramento, CA writes....
Dear Guts,
I have a big golf outing with the partners from another investment banking firm. My boss is unable to attend and I have to go in his place, to "network." This is my first real big networking event, and it's golf on top of that and i'm a 10 handicap. How should I approach this delicate situation?
Dear Reggie,
I am extremely glad that you asked this question. I can't tell you how many letters I get each week from aspiring young professionals asking me how to handle situations just like yours. It seems like every day another YP is thrust into his very first networking situation and it always has several layers to it. I particular think your case is a compelling one. I'll address both the golfing and the networking.
First off, you need to be better at golf and fast. I can't remember the last time I had a double-digit handicap. Reggie, keep in mind you'll be meeting with professionals. These people have had years to practicie golf while neglecting their work (salty old procrastinators) they're at least 3 or 4 handicappers. What you need to do is get yourself in the 6-8 range. They won't be expecting some course record out of you, but they will expect you to be able to hit a draw from the right rough 168 yards out and stick it for a ten-foot birdie putt. The best advice I can give you when it comes to the golf is stay loose. Be confident, bring LOTS of cigars, at least 3 for each of you, if you don't smoke, start smoking, a lot, 1-3 cigars at a time to build a tolerance. Professionals love cigars and they talk about them, more than they talk about business. Also, CHEAT, and let them see you cheating. Improve your lie, kick a ball out from under a tree, CHEAT and CHEAT HARD and CHEAT CONSPICUOUSLY, they'll admire your guts.
As far as networking goes, your boss has dealt with these people a thousand times, so act like you did too. Call them by their first names, make up nicknames for them like Buster and Sport, young nicknames, they won't know what hit them, and if they come at you, just slide your business card out of your sleeve and hit them in the pocket with it. Make jokes about your boss not being able to show up, for example "Mr. Dickwad couldn't make it today. He's not very good at golf and even worse at networking." Then take a practice swing, hold the follow through, wink at the one you think most liked your joke, and then offer him a cigar.
Mick "Hollywood" Healy from South Bend, IN writes....
Guts,
I'm lost here. I followed your advice and asked my girlfriend of 9 minutes to marry me. She said no, and that I was moving too fast. But then she kissed me and said she still wants to make this work. I know you said I should just move on and engage some other "ho" but I really like this one, and I'm willing to put in the work for her. However, my respect and admiration for you is so great. I don't know what to do.
Mick,
I don't know what to say to you man. You had me at "I followed your advice." I should have just stopped reading there and thrown your letter into the "I helped another one" pile, but for some reason I continued to read. I read all the way to the part where you said "I know you said I should do blah blah but I blah blah" and boy was I pissed. You should do whatever I said to do. First of all, if that "girl" didn't say she'd marry you after 9 whole minutes, then you OBVIOUSLY didn't spend the first 8 minutes properly conveying how successful you were. You probably spent them COMPLIMENTING HER. No! I can not stress this enough. You state absolutely true and inflated statistics about yourself and wait for her to compliment you.
Oh and for kicks, I read the end. You like her enough to put the work in for her? Is she your reflection? because if she isn't than she isn't worth it. Once you decide to go in it for the long haul, after she turned down your initial engagement request, you've lost all control. Next she'll be driving your car or knocking you up or worse, voting libertarian in the upcoming election.
Patch Adams from Charlotte, NC writes...
Dear Guts,
First off I want to say I read this blog every day. If you don't update I wait patiently refreshing every half hour until you do. I think you are strong and sexy. You are a voice for all of us. That said, I hope this question makes it into your column so that everyone will know how much I love you. Question: Are you a Capricorn? I'm a Libra. Just kidding. Real Question. Who are you endorsing in the upcoming election? McCain or Hillary or Obama?
Patch,
I can't help but think Nums put you up to this, or that you are, in fact, Nums himself. However, on the off chance that you are a real fan and really do love me. I'll include you in this week. I knew this question would come up eventually. Most people just ask me if I'm Republicrat or Democrublican (see I can't even distinguish), or if I voted for Bush or Kerry or Nader. I haven't had many questions about '08. I want to put it out there right now, that I will in no way reveal what I am registered as in the state of Pennsylvania, nor will I put a formal endorsement out there until the field is a head to head matchup. After seeing one debate I will have enough knowledge to make an informed decision and I will present it in a manner befitting my status as a young professional. Patch, even though your love for me speaks volumes, I cannot truly answer this question. We all know that the pitfall of many young professionals is that they are too cavalier politically, that they will openly and positively discuss politics in any forum and more often than not, they something they will regret like Hillary Clinton is a psycho hose beast, Obama-Jihad, or McCain (you mean the dead guy?).
P.S. I'm a Gemini (twice the young professional you'll ever be)
Christine Thickpants from Baton Rouge, LA writes...
Dear Asshole,
That's right, I called you an asshole. Because that is what you are. Do you think that your post about women in 1943 was funny? It was degrading. Times have changed, and as a young professional, or a "self-proclaimed" young professional, you should know that women have assumed more power in the 21st century. We're equal. I was an avid follower of your columns but now, you've lost a fan. I might even start my own.
Christine?
I'm terribly sorry. I don't speak Cajun. Until they get a Cajun to English translator on the Interweb I don't think I'll be able to respond to you. Using my extensive forensic knowledge I did some cross-referencing and hair sampling and found that you did put a date in there, 1943. I'm not sure if that's a birthdate or a reference to an article that I found on the Internet about employing women? Either way, happy birthday.
Bruce Sykes from Caledonia, OH writes...
Dear Guts,
I am graduating college this spring and will probably try and get a job and start my life as a young professional. I've been reading what you and Nums have to say and I really think I could do this. I just had a couple questions that I don't think you clarified yet. 1. What sorts of TV shows or movies should I be watching? 2. Do you and Nums have a book club? and 3. I read in Urban Dictionary that a young professional is: I quote "A recent college graduate whose main objectives in life include: career advancement, becoming financially secure, spending too much of their yearly income on expensive clothing and maintaining a busy social life. ex. The young professionals drank martinis at the bar while comparing their Prada shoes and financial portfolios. What do you think of that?
Bruce,
This question is very upsetting to me. I'll answer in order.
1. I suggest watching tv shows that present complex storylines, relate to your profession, make you think outside the office. No MTV, No VH1, I'm talking shows like Lost and Jeopardy. I'm particularly a big fan of Dexter. Nums and I also watch a lot of Law and Order, the History Channel, and American Idol. Also, check in on CNN every once in a while and beef up on your politics. While I do not condone harboring strong to very strong political feelings, I do condone knowing everything. This question also may inspire me in the future to post a strong to very strong tv-write up
2. We do not have a "book club." Book clubs are for old women who have nothing better to do with their time i.e. Oprah, my Aunt Darla, and your mom. We do, however, promote reading books such as Ziggy, GQ, Forbes and Time. Also, authors who are considered edgy, Noir, avant-garde, or pretty much any other french word, are good and necessary reads. Nums is a little less lenient when it comes to reading so if you want to know how he feels ask him.
3. Urban dictionary? What is that? Some sort of Hip-Hop group. I'm confused. It's people like that who give what we do a rap. No pun intended. Martinis??? are you kidding me? Maybe when I'm 45 and about to die!
Spending too much of my yearly income... of course... on expensive clothing? Absolutely not. A young professional sho uld blow his wage on Everything. Strippers, beer, a fast audi, then maybe think about clothing.
Compare prada shoes and financial portfolios? What the hell is prada? Is it fine Italian alligator skin that I stole from an opponent? Does comparing mean stomping my competition with my shoes? If it is and if it does, then maybe this Urban Dictionary group is on to something. Oh and I don't know about you, but I never take my financial portfolio out with me. No! that shit is hanging on my wall above my head board (my bronze headboard) and the only way you are getting a chance to compare yours with it is if I'm making loveless animal sex with you.
Until next time. Stand tall. Fly Straight. Eat your vegetables. Live forever.
Profile of a Young Professional Hero: Pu Yi
Today, China is a place where Olympic competitions are held and pork is both sweet AND sour. It is a communist place, and therefore, I assume, a dreadful place where Russian guys drink lots of Vodka. But it wasn't long ago that the country was under the steadfast stewardship of a young professional, Emperor Pu Yi.
Born in 1906, the child showed early signs of immense potential. So much talent, in fact, that his uncle, the Emperor of China, decided to die so that Pu Yi could take over at the age of two. In order to ascend to the throne, though, he had to first impress some old hag called the Emperess Dowager Cixi. I'm not sure who that is, but with a name like Cixi, she was probably a dumpster slut (I know that you're thinking, "Jimmy, you shouldn't insult the Chinese royal family like that, you might get in trouble." But what you just missed was that I was, that's right, networking. You see, with the communists firmly in charge, I was just making some connections. There is nothing communist bureaucrats enjoy more than bashing the people they overthrew. For example, check out this young professional gem I found in a memoir published by a young professional in 1918: "When Lenin finally got rid of the Czar, I thought it best to go pay my respects. After we had finished talking, I got up to leave, but neglected to hear him invite me to brunch. 'Lord Thrustmore', Lenin cried, 'Why are you running off at this time?' To which I replied, 'I'm not running off, I'm Romanov!'" That is how you network!).
After he became emperor at age 2, he got to work initiating a series of reforms, such as learning to walk and use a toilet (but not at the same time). His reforms were popular among his constituents. They really couldn't be unpopular, however, as he was pretty much revered as a God. While some would say that clouded his judgment as a young professional, I say it only helped. Most young professionals (myself included) are forced to go through life imagining that they are a god. Pu Yi actually was a god. That's how all coworkers should view a man in our position. At least this guy's workforce acknowledged it and did away with the formalities.
A brief word on his workforce. They weren't the normal group of men, in that, they were eunuchs. Now, I by no means endorse the castration of all male subordinants in today's workplace. I'm just saying, HYPOTHETICALLY, that if I were in charge of a large organization and I had fears of my family being forcibly removed from power and replaced by another man who had dreams of starting his own dynasty, castrating all male employees would make sense. But, there are few HMO's that cover occupational removal of the testes, so however logical it may be, it's impractical in today's world.
A proud and powerful young man, he enjoyed the fruits of the flesh. I bet your asking yourself, "Well, I hope he didn't get married." Unfortunately, your fears would be realized as he did marry a woman at the age of 16. FORTUNATELY, he had the wisdom to marry two women at once. This demonstrates that there are always exceptions to the rules of being a young professional. For us non-gods, marriage is like a trap. The harder we pull away, the harder it pulls us in. Not for Pu Yi, however. By getting an extra pair of fingers in there, he turned a chinese finger trap into chinese finger... well, you get the idea. But don't worry, he still treated both of his wifes with the utmost professional disdain and lovelessness. His empress spiraled down into a deep pit of opium-fueled depression and died in a Japanese prison, while his other wife was a concubine that sought divorce from him in later years and was disowned by her descendants, who demoted her to a commoner.
Sadly, in a verse sung many times throughout the opera of human history, these great times did not last. Civil strife led to large scale revolts which led to Pu Yi being removed from power. He came back to power when he was installed as a puppet ruler under the Japanese. But that did not long and, before you know it, he faded into the background of communist China (In case you're talking to a chinese communist and someone mentions Pu Yi, just say "Pu Yi? P-U!" That should get some laughs).
His ascension to power at an extremely young age showed his impressive ability and innate understanding of what it took to be a young professional. There are many lessons to learn from this man, and I hope I imparted some of that knowledge to you.
Considering the above, I feel no need to further prove his young professional heritage. However, if doubters remain, I offer this last bit argument. His name was Pu Yi. In some asian dialects (as he probably spoke an asian language), I'm pretty sure that the last name comes first. Therefore, if you were to Americanize his name, it would be Yi Pu. I think you see where I'm going here, but if you don't, take a look at those initials, Y.P. They are the very same initials that follow the name of every polished, charming, thoroughly capable 20-something business person. That's right, Y.P. = Young Professional. Now if that ain't proof, I don't know what is. Boom!
Until next week, prioritize and professionalize.
Born in 1906, the child showed early signs of immense potential. So much talent, in fact, that his uncle, the Emperor of China, decided to die so that Pu Yi could take over at the age of two. In order to ascend to the throne, though, he had to first impress some old hag called the Emperess Dowager Cixi. I'm not sure who that is, but with a name like Cixi, she was probably a dumpster slut (I know that you're thinking, "Jimmy, you shouldn't insult the Chinese royal family like that, you might get in trouble." But what you just missed was that I was, that's right, networking. You see, with the communists firmly in charge, I was just making some connections. There is nothing communist bureaucrats enjoy more than bashing the people they overthrew. For example, check out this young professional gem I found in a memoir published by a young professional in 1918: "When Lenin finally got rid of the Czar, I thought it best to go pay my respects. After we had finished talking, I got up to leave, but neglected to hear him invite me to brunch. 'Lord Thrustmore', Lenin cried, 'Why are you running off at this time?' To which I replied, 'I'm not running off, I'm Romanov!'" That is how you network!).
After he became emperor at age 2, he got to work initiating a series of reforms, such as learning to walk and use a toilet (but not at the same time). His reforms were popular among his constituents. They really couldn't be unpopular, however, as he was pretty much revered as a God. While some would say that clouded his judgment as a young professional, I say it only helped. Most young professionals (myself included) are forced to go through life imagining that they are a god. Pu Yi actually was a god. That's how all coworkers should view a man in our position. At least this guy's workforce acknowledged it and did away with the formalities.
A brief word on his workforce. They weren't the normal group of men, in that, they were eunuchs. Now, I by no means endorse the castration of all male subordinants in today's workplace. I'm just saying, HYPOTHETICALLY, that if I were in charge of a large organization and I had fears of my family being forcibly removed from power and replaced by another man who had dreams of starting his own dynasty, castrating all male employees would make sense. But, there are few HMO's that cover occupational removal of the testes, so however logical it may be, it's impractical in today's world.
A proud and powerful young man, he enjoyed the fruits of the flesh. I bet your asking yourself, "Well, I hope he didn't get married." Unfortunately, your fears would be realized as he did marry a woman at the age of 16. FORTUNATELY, he had the wisdom to marry two women at once. This demonstrates that there are always exceptions to the rules of being a young professional. For us non-gods, marriage is like a trap. The harder we pull away, the harder it pulls us in. Not for Pu Yi, however. By getting an extra pair of fingers in there, he turned a chinese finger trap into chinese finger... well, you get the idea. But don't worry, he still treated both of his wifes with the utmost professional disdain and lovelessness. His empress spiraled down into a deep pit of opium-fueled depression and died in a Japanese prison, while his other wife was a concubine that sought divorce from him in later years and was disowned by her descendants, who demoted her to a commoner.
Sadly, in a verse sung many times throughout the opera of human history, these great times did not last. Civil strife led to large scale revolts which led to Pu Yi being removed from power. He came back to power when he was installed as a puppet ruler under the Japanese. But that did not long and, before you know it, he faded into the background of communist China (In case you're talking to a chinese communist and someone mentions Pu Yi, just say "Pu Yi? P-U!" That should get some laughs).
His ascension to power at an extremely young age showed his impressive ability and innate understanding of what it took to be a young professional. There are many lessons to learn from this man, and I hope I imparted some of that knowledge to you.
Considering the above, I feel no need to further prove his young professional heritage. However, if doubters remain, I offer this last bit argument. His name was Pu Yi. In some asian dialects (as he probably spoke an asian language), I'm pretty sure that the last name comes first. Therefore, if you were to Americanize his name, it would be Yi Pu. I think you see where I'm going here, but if you don't, take a look at those initials, Y.P. They are the very same initials that follow the name of every polished, charming, thoroughly capable 20-something business person. That's right, Y.P. = Young Professional. Now if that ain't proof, I don't know what is. Boom!
Until next week, prioritize and professionalize.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Another Lunch Break; Another Prize
Having just finished up my lunch at "Generic Chinese Take Out and Eat In Fun Place" in Downtown, I find it important to tell you just a little bit about my lunch break and share with you an important moment in my day. It was a moment that happens often to people like me (young professionals) but that isn't often enough shared with the rest of you (aspiring young professionals). It is a moment that brings faith to all of you dreamers. It is a moment where you can say "yeah, it's good to be me."
10:30 a.m. I informed one of the secretaries that I'll be leaving at noon to meet up with some friends for lunch. I like to give her an hour and a half notice at least, because then she realizes the careful planning that went into this and will no doubt tell her friends at the watercooler how much more "doable" I am.
11:58 a.m. One of the attorneys asks me to appear in court for him on behalf of his client. I say I will, "but after I meet up with some friends for lunch." He doesn't control me.
12:00 p.m. I arrive at the designated meeting place in 2 minutes (meeting place was 2 miles away, do the math. I dogged it.) My friends are running late. I appear to be impatient and in a hurry by alternating between (1) thrusting my hands in and out of the deep pockets of my pea coat and sighing and (2) looking through my file folder at important case sensitive materials. I'm still waiting when a man about my age walks by with an armful of manilla folders and gives me a nod and a grin. I nod back but I DO NOT GRIN, because he is wearing some "wannabe pea coat." To the untrained eye it is a pea coat but I can tell that it's just gray fleece. And it's not even ITALIAN! HA!
12:07 p.m. My friends come out of the school they attend (I eat lunch with aspiring young professionals. I give back to the community) and I immediately make them feel bad by telling them that if I don't make it to Court this client of ours is going to have a warrant issued. They hang their heads and let me choose the restaurant. I defer, and wait for one of them to pick so that I can veto it and pick one of my own anyway.
12:08 p.m. Robert says "Chinese" and I'm okay with it. I pass it off as my idea and push on ahead of them. They zip up their hooded sweatshirts and try and keep pace with my long professional strides.
12:10 p.m. We arrive at the Chinese place and I order quickly and decisively. I order Hunan Chicken, extra spicy. Why extra spicy? Because if I don't, someone else will. The people around who were within ear shot are impressed.
12:16 p.m. We receive our food. I thank the waitress in Mandarin and I eat the whole thing with chopsticks to show my advanced knowledge of foreign culture and cuisine. Everyone within earshot is impressed.
12:45 p.m. I finish eating and reach for my fortune cookie. Here is where the moment happens. I open the cookie by firmly grasping it as if I were going to shake a hand and crushing it to bits. I dust the remnants on to the floor for someone to pick up later. Everyone else takes turns reading their fortunes. "An unexpected payment will come to you, (sucker)" "The benefits of your efforts will pay off soon (loser)" and "Time heals all wounds, keep your chin up (EMO)"
Then it's my turn. With perfect pronunciation, I articulate mine.
"You will receive a prestigious honor or award."
I drop the fortune on the table and subtlely celebrate the fact that mine was the best and truest.
I dismiss myself, again reminding everyone that I have important stuff to do and that I took time out of my day to join them. They offer me their best wishes and admiration. I head off into the great beyond.
So you see, friends, there's nothing to it. When you're a young professional, good things happen. Remember that. I tell you all this because I want you to keep fighting, keep working, keep practicing, and one day, you'll be able to truly say. "yeah, it's good to be me."
10:30 a.m. I informed one of the secretaries that I'll be leaving at noon to meet up with some friends for lunch. I like to give her an hour and a half notice at least, because then she realizes the careful planning that went into this and will no doubt tell her friends at the watercooler how much more "doable" I am.
11:58 a.m. One of the attorneys asks me to appear in court for him on behalf of his client. I say I will, "but after I meet up with some friends for lunch." He doesn't control me.
12:00 p.m. I arrive at the designated meeting place in 2 minutes (meeting place was 2 miles away, do the math. I dogged it.) My friends are running late. I appear to be impatient and in a hurry by alternating between (1) thrusting my hands in and out of the deep pockets of my pea coat and sighing and (2) looking through my file folder at important case sensitive materials. I'm still waiting when a man about my age walks by with an armful of manilla folders and gives me a nod and a grin. I nod back but I DO NOT GRIN, because he is wearing some "wannabe pea coat." To the untrained eye it is a pea coat but I can tell that it's just gray fleece. And it's not even ITALIAN! HA!
12:07 p.m. My friends come out of the school they attend (I eat lunch with aspiring young professionals. I give back to the community) and I immediately make them feel bad by telling them that if I don't make it to Court this client of ours is going to have a warrant issued. They hang their heads and let me choose the restaurant. I defer, and wait for one of them to pick so that I can veto it and pick one of my own anyway.
12:08 p.m. Robert says "Chinese" and I'm okay with it. I pass it off as my idea and push on ahead of them. They zip up their hooded sweatshirts and try and keep pace with my long professional strides.
12:10 p.m. We arrive at the Chinese place and I order quickly and decisively. I order Hunan Chicken, extra spicy. Why extra spicy? Because if I don't, someone else will. The people around who were within ear shot are impressed.
12:16 p.m. We receive our food. I thank the waitress in Mandarin and I eat the whole thing with chopsticks to show my advanced knowledge of foreign culture and cuisine. Everyone within earshot is impressed.
12:45 p.m. I finish eating and reach for my fortune cookie. Here is where the moment happens. I open the cookie by firmly grasping it as if I were going to shake a hand and crushing it to bits. I dust the remnants on to the floor for someone to pick up later. Everyone else takes turns reading their fortunes. "An unexpected payment will come to you, (sucker)" "The benefits of your efforts will pay off soon (loser)" and "Time heals all wounds, keep your chin up (EMO)"
Then it's my turn. With perfect pronunciation, I articulate mine.
"You will receive a prestigious honor or award."
I drop the fortune on the table and subtlely celebrate the fact that mine was the best and truest.
I dismiss myself, again reminding everyone that I have important stuff to do and that I took time out of my day to join them. They offer me their best wishes and admiration. I head off into the great beyond.
So you see, friends, there's nothing to it. When you're a young professional, good things happen. Remember that. I tell you all this because I want you to keep fighting, keep working, keep practicing, and one day, you'll be able to truly say. "yeah, it's good to be me."
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Women in the Workplace: Efficiency
Due to an increased amount of emails and letters concerning the place of women in the young professional world, I've decided to post this guide to hiring women from 1943 (because absolutely nothing has changed since then regarding gender and the workplace and never will). This is designed mostly to guide employers through the selection process promoting increased efficiency. It should help to answer some of your questions. Young professionals should also review these 11 tips carefully before choosing "working" secretaries as opposed to "boning" secretaries.
Once again these are just tips on hiring policies. Interaction with women as a young professional is covered by those points already mentioned (see: getting engaged, valentine's day, cold emotionless sex, mistresses, marriage, children, secretaries, "networking) and will be further explored in later installments.
"Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees": There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy."
I hope that helps. Stay beautiful.
Once again these are just tips on hiring policies. Interaction with women as a young professional is covered by those points already mentioned (see: getting engaged, valentine's day, cold emotionless sex, mistresses, marriage, children, secretaries, "networking) and will be further explored in later installments.
"Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees": There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy."
I hope that helps. Stay beautiful.
Upon Meeting a Young Professionalette
We all know the feeling. You are walking down the main business avenue of your metropolitan business center and you are feeling good. Dominant, really. You're wearing shoes from Italy, a suit from Italy, and cologne from the part of France that's near Italy.
You are a force walking down that street. Young "professionals" who are only as professional as the last TPS report they filed are tripping over themselves trying to learn all of your secrets. Young ladies are tripping over themselves trying to get your attention. Old Professionals drop their ivory canes and trip themselves to death. All this tripping clears the sidewalk of all obstructions except one. Down the block, matching each confident step of yours with a confident click of stiletto heels, is a Young Professionalette.
You've tried preparing for this moment. At every soiree, you keep an eye out, trying to catch a glimpse of this elusive creature. You listen to all the stories and watch every episode of Sex in the City. You stay awake at night worrying over their raw and unnatural power. The only way you ever fall asleep is convincing yourself that they don't exist and that Sexual Revolution thing was all whooey. You devise contingency plans and adopt the policy of completely avoiding them at all costs. But what do you do now? Do you admit defeat and veer off course? Where do you go? Do you risk hiding in a second-rate clothing store or even (gasp) a Subway restaurant. Imagine the shame (Hey Johnson, did you enjoy your 6 grams of fat or less! hahahahahahahhaha)! You have to walk on.
Look at her. All smug and confident. How dare she call herself a young professional. Do they even sell Audi's to women? Isn't that against the law in Sweden? Or is it Switzerland... OH God, she's in your head. Next you won't know if Toulouse-Lautrec was Pre- or Post-Impressionist! Yowzerz...
Ok, keep your head. You can do this. As you see it, there are a few options right now. For one, you can keep your head up, assert your dominance and keep walking by without giving her any attention. But that won't work, she's too powerful. You could always just take her out. That would get you in a lot of trouble. But you DID network with that Judge last week... But wasn't he a traffic judge? ... They have influence, don't they? Fine, you won't take her out. But maybe you should take her out. Yes! That way, you can take her to a nice restaurant, woo her with your many fine linens and maybe, just maybe conserve some of your dominance. Look at her! She may be your boss one day and this could be your only chance! DO IT! HERE SHE IS!
"Excuse me ma'am, but I think you dropped something."
"Yes?" She responds, looking behind her. When she turns to ask you what you were talking about, you are flustered. That was a horrible lead-in. You dropped something? Where do you go from there? Oh God, she's turning back.
...
You're running now. You didn't want to hit her with your attache case, but you had to. It was the only other option. Well, you could have run away, but that's what you're doing now. So you got the best of both worlds, right? Looking behind you, you see that she managed to fall down in a very professional manner. Impressed, you keep running.
You turn the corner, duck into the subway and catch a train just before it leaves. You fix your hair and your tie, look around and assess the situation. Luckily, you decided to wear your Armani pinstripe suit. Being the raging fashion this spring, you suspect that there are at least 100 young professionals in this city wearing the same suit. There's no way they'll track you down.
No one in the train suspects a thing. The initial hurry to get to the train caused alarm, but now that alarm was being replaced by the normal tripping over themselves. You gather your things, and head to an open seat on the other side of the train. Everybody is tripping and the path is all clear. That is, everyone except one. In your peripheral vision you see someone else heading for the seat. And you hear a distinct, confident click with every step.
The confident click of stiletto heels.
Click... Click...
You are a force walking down that street. Young "professionals" who are only as professional as the last TPS report they filed are tripping over themselves trying to learn all of your secrets. Young ladies are tripping over themselves trying to get your attention. Old Professionals drop their ivory canes and trip themselves to death. All this tripping clears the sidewalk of all obstructions except one. Down the block, matching each confident step of yours with a confident click of stiletto heels, is a Young Professionalette.
You've tried preparing for this moment. At every soiree, you keep an eye out, trying to catch a glimpse of this elusive creature. You listen to all the stories and watch every episode of Sex in the City. You stay awake at night worrying over their raw and unnatural power. The only way you ever fall asleep is convincing yourself that they don't exist and that Sexual Revolution thing was all whooey. You devise contingency plans and adopt the policy of completely avoiding them at all costs. But what do you do now? Do you admit defeat and veer off course? Where do you go? Do you risk hiding in a second-rate clothing store or even (gasp) a Subway restaurant. Imagine the shame (Hey Johnson, did you enjoy your 6 grams of fat or less! hahahahahahahhaha)! You have to walk on.
Look at her. All smug and confident. How dare she call herself a young professional. Do they even sell Audi's to women? Isn't that against the law in Sweden? Or is it Switzerland... OH God, she's in your head. Next you won't know if Toulouse-Lautrec was Pre- or Post-Impressionist! Yowzerz...
Ok, keep your head. You can do this. As you see it, there are a few options right now. For one, you can keep your head up, assert your dominance and keep walking by without giving her any attention. But that won't work, she's too powerful. You could always just take her out. That would get you in a lot of trouble. But you DID network with that Judge last week... But wasn't he a traffic judge? ... They have influence, don't they? Fine, you won't take her out. But maybe you should take her out. Yes! That way, you can take her to a nice restaurant, woo her with your many fine linens and maybe, just maybe conserve some of your dominance. Look at her! She may be your boss one day and this could be your only chance! DO IT! HERE SHE IS!
"Excuse me ma'am, but I think you dropped something."
"Yes?" She responds, looking behind her. When she turns to ask you what you were talking about, you are flustered. That was a horrible lead-in. You dropped something? Where do you go from there? Oh God, she's turning back.
...
You're running now. You didn't want to hit her with your attache case, but you had to. It was the only other option. Well, you could have run away, but that's what you're doing now. So you got the best of both worlds, right? Looking behind you, you see that she managed to fall down in a very professional manner. Impressed, you keep running.
You turn the corner, duck into the subway and catch a train just before it leaves. You fix your hair and your tie, look around and assess the situation. Luckily, you decided to wear your Armani pinstripe suit. Being the raging fashion this spring, you suspect that there are at least 100 young professionals in this city wearing the same suit. There's no way they'll track you down.
No one in the train suspects a thing. The initial hurry to get to the train caused alarm, but now that alarm was being replaced by the normal tripping over themselves. You gather your things, and head to an open seat on the other side of the train. Everybody is tripping and the path is all clear. That is, everyone except one. In your peripheral vision you see someone else heading for the seat. And you hear a distinct, confident click with every step.
The confident click of stiletto heels.
Click... Click...
Friday, February 29, 2008
Leap Day Q & A
A Journey into the Young Professional Mailbag
Hi. It’s been a while. In my absence, I received quite a few letters from aspiring young professionals everywhere. I would like to take this time to respond to some of the more interesting questions that all of you out there need answers to.
Cranston P. Vagamore from Stamford, CT writes...
Dear Guts,
My friend, um, Scott, yeah Scott, wanted to know if there’s a Nature vs. Nurture element to being a young professional. As a brilliant and noble man myself, I understand that I am going to be fine, but I, uh, Scott is worried that maybe there’s more to it. Can you help him?
Dear Cranston (Scott),
That’s a very important question. More important than most questions that we have to deal with everyday. I am going to defer an answer to that until next week when Nums and I actually debate on that subject. However, in the mean time, I’ll just tell you that I also won’t answer now in fear of crushing a lot of aspiring young professionals out there. I mean, Cranston, look at the big picture, OF COURSE you can learn the ropes and mold yourself or be molded into a young professional, but only if you were born with it.
Post script: Scott, just because your name is Cranston, that doesn’t mean you’re a young professional
Mike Heeley from Chicago, IL writes...
Yo Guts!
How do I know if I am a young professional?
Dear Heeley,
This was a very dumb question. But I will answer it the only way I know how. Is there a twinkle in your eye? If there is, you are a dreamer, an idealist, and you’ll never reach your potential. Now, look at the girl closest to you, is there a twinkle in HER eye? If there is, then you might be a young professional. Stay in school.
Sparky Littleton from Arkansas writes...
Dear Guts,
I read Nums post about Alexander Hamilton and really admired his passion. I want to know. As a young professional, who is your young professional role model?
Dear Sparky,
Is Sparky your real name? That’s pretty cool. Who is my role model? Well, I hope yours is me.
Bill Worthington from Shepardsville, Idaho writes...
Dear Guts,
I’m a 41 year old Business Executive. I was once a young professional and I fear I’m falling into what you guys call "old professionalism" I used to go out and drink like 8 heinekens and bang cougars. Now, my wife has me sleeping on the couch, and my kids, well... Can you help me? Teach an old dog new tricks.
Dear Old Dog,
Oh how the mighty have fallen. It’s okay though. I’m feeling extremely generous today. First of all, because you came to me, let me take some time, before I give you some pointers, to point out what you did wrong so our younger, more virile, stronger audience does not make the same mistakes.
1. You got married. I’m going to go ahead and assume that your kids are teenagers and you got married during the peak of your young professional years. I cannot more strongly caution the rest of you against this. Get engaged, sure, but don’t settle down.
2. You drink Heineken? Get yourself a shallow glass. Drop 1-4 ice cubes in it. Pull out your Scotch and drink like a man who doesn’t let his wife put him out.
Now, you want me to teach you new tricks. Try these three on for size.
1. You’re 41 and you want to get back into the swing of things. You want to reclaim your young professional identity. You can, I know it. Just because most professionals have lost all touch with the classy and dignified younger crowd doesn’t mean they all have. The only difference between Young professionals and the Old Guard is not age, it’s perception (perception: n. banging younger women. Try it.) Get a mistress.
2. Take a vacation. Not just any vacation. A young professional odyssey. Load up your bags with cash and credit and hit the casinos. Every young professional can count cards and find hot slot machines even if they’re 7 gin and tonics in the whole and it’s only 9 am. Gamble everything away, then rebuild your fortune. After all, Young professionals get rich. Old guys like you, try and stay rich.
3. I bet you don’t even think about networking anymore. Do you remember what it felt like? Getting your name out there. You didn’t just wake up one day as Bill Worthington, business executive. No. You built your empire. Go to a soiree, hit the hors d’ouerves table and in between ham roll-ups and apple bree pastries, pass out a few business cards. Redecorate the office, sell drugs, wheel and deal. Dammit! Man! Live!
Alison Daniels from Madison, WI writes,
Dear Guts,
It feels weird to call you that. I can’t believe I found you. I just wanted to tell you that I did have an amazing night last September when you came here on a "business venture acquisition tour." Even though you stood me up for our date at Les Miserables Pizza Factory, and then showed up at 3 am on my doorstep, hammered, demanding sex, I thought it was magical. And well, I’m writing because I’m pregnant.
Dear Alison,
That’s interesting. I’m glad you wrote in. Aspiring young professionals should make a note of this. This will happen often. Young women will often pretend to be pregnant (or may actually be pregnant) and come to you to saddle you with this emotional burden. At least they think it’s an emotional burden. But babies are wonderful. However, young professional children don’t just happen, they come from cold, calculated fuck making, not romantic 3 am rendezvous.
9 times out of 10 these money-hungry succubi are just trying to make you think they’re pregnant and that it’s yours so they can shack up with you and slowly drain your portfolio. It works a lot too, and that is the sad part, that’s why the young professional has become an endangered species of sort. It works because young professionals often have anonymous sex when they’re on "capitalist networking endeavors" or "business venture acquisition tours." The only thing you can do my friends in that situation is claim "plausible deniability."
Besides the "unborn child" there is no evidence that anything wrong ever happened or that you were even involved at all. And because of your loose and informal contacts as well as your closely knit high ranking business circles, you can safely say you didn’t do it, and be absolutely right.
Here’s an example:
"Alison, I have never been to Wisconsin."
Until next time. Be Professional.
Hi. It’s been a while. In my absence, I received quite a few letters from aspiring young professionals everywhere. I would like to take this time to respond to some of the more interesting questions that all of you out there need answers to.
Cranston P. Vagamore from Stamford, CT writes...
Dear Guts,
My friend, um, Scott, yeah Scott, wanted to know if there’s a Nature vs. Nurture element to being a young professional. As a brilliant and noble man myself, I understand that I am going to be fine, but I, uh, Scott is worried that maybe there’s more to it. Can you help him?
Dear Cranston (Scott),
That’s a very important question. More important than most questions that we have to deal with everyday. I am going to defer an answer to that until next week when Nums and I actually debate on that subject. However, in the mean time, I’ll just tell you that I also won’t answer now in fear of crushing a lot of aspiring young professionals out there. I mean, Cranston, look at the big picture, OF COURSE you can learn the ropes and mold yourself or be molded into a young professional, but only if you were born with it.
Post script: Scott, just because your name is Cranston, that doesn’t mean you’re a young professional
Mike Heeley from Chicago, IL writes...
Yo Guts!
How do I know if I am a young professional?
Dear Heeley,
This was a very dumb question. But I will answer it the only way I know how. Is there a twinkle in your eye? If there is, you are a dreamer, an idealist, and you’ll never reach your potential. Now, look at the girl closest to you, is there a twinkle in HER eye? If there is, then you might be a young professional. Stay in school.
Sparky Littleton from Arkansas writes...
Dear Guts,
I read Nums post about Alexander Hamilton and really admired his passion. I want to know. As a young professional, who is your young professional role model?
Dear Sparky,
Is Sparky your real name? That’s pretty cool. Who is my role model? Well, I hope yours is me.
Bill Worthington from Shepardsville, Idaho writes...
Dear Guts,
I’m a 41 year old Business Executive. I was once a young professional and I fear I’m falling into what you guys call "old professionalism" I used to go out and drink like 8 heinekens and bang cougars. Now, my wife has me sleeping on the couch, and my kids, well... Can you help me? Teach an old dog new tricks.
Dear Old Dog,
Oh how the mighty have fallen. It’s okay though. I’m feeling extremely generous today. First of all, because you came to me, let me take some time, before I give you some pointers, to point out what you did wrong so our younger, more virile, stronger audience does not make the same mistakes.
1. You got married. I’m going to go ahead and assume that your kids are teenagers and you got married during the peak of your young professional years. I cannot more strongly caution the rest of you against this. Get engaged, sure, but don’t settle down.
2. You drink Heineken? Get yourself a shallow glass. Drop 1-4 ice cubes in it. Pull out your Scotch and drink like a man who doesn’t let his wife put him out.
Now, you want me to teach you new tricks. Try these three on for size.
1. You’re 41 and you want to get back into the swing of things. You want to reclaim your young professional identity. You can, I know it. Just because most professionals have lost all touch with the classy and dignified younger crowd doesn’t mean they all have. The only difference between Young professionals and the Old Guard is not age, it’s perception (perception: n. banging younger women. Try it.) Get a mistress.
2. Take a vacation. Not just any vacation. A young professional odyssey. Load up your bags with cash and credit and hit the casinos. Every young professional can count cards and find hot slot machines even if they’re 7 gin and tonics in the whole and it’s only 9 am. Gamble everything away, then rebuild your fortune. After all, Young professionals get rich. Old guys like you, try and stay rich.
3. I bet you don’t even think about networking anymore. Do you remember what it felt like? Getting your name out there. You didn’t just wake up one day as Bill Worthington, business executive. No. You built your empire. Go to a soiree, hit the hors d’ouerves table and in between ham roll-ups and apple bree pastries, pass out a few business cards. Redecorate the office, sell drugs, wheel and deal. Dammit! Man! Live!
Alison Daniels from Madison, WI writes,
Dear Guts,
It feels weird to call you that. I can’t believe I found you. I just wanted to tell you that I did have an amazing night last September when you came here on a "business venture acquisition tour." Even though you stood me up for our date at Les Miserables Pizza Factory, and then showed up at 3 am on my doorstep, hammered, demanding sex, I thought it was magical. And well, I’m writing because I’m pregnant.
Dear Alison,
That’s interesting. I’m glad you wrote in. Aspiring young professionals should make a note of this. This will happen often. Young women will often pretend to be pregnant (or may actually be pregnant) and come to you to saddle you with this emotional burden. At least they think it’s an emotional burden. But babies are wonderful. However, young professional children don’t just happen, they come from cold, calculated fuck making, not romantic 3 am rendezvous.
9 times out of 10 these money-hungry succubi are just trying to make you think they’re pregnant and that it’s yours so they can shack up with you and slowly drain your portfolio. It works a lot too, and that is the sad part, that’s why the young professional has become an endangered species of sort. It works because young professionals often have anonymous sex when they’re on "capitalist networking endeavors" or "business venture acquisition tours." The only thing you can do my friends in that situation is claim "plausible deniability."
Besides the "unborn child" there is no evidence that anything wrong ever happened or that you were even involved at all. And because of your loose and informal contacts as well as your closely knit high ranking business circles, you can safely say you didn’t do it, and be absolutely right.
Here’s an example:
"Alison, I have never been to Wisconsin."
Until next time. Be Professional.
Professional thoughts:
Earlier in the day, I posted a helpful tip for a Young Professional. I thought I'd end the day with a few more, so you can end the week extra professionally.
-Be careful about any seminar that advertises a discussion about the 'N' word. In many cases, it WILL NOT be about 'networking'. I mentioned that I often use the 'N' word in my blog posts and in daily conversation. When asked how I felt I could do such a thing, I replied "If it's anybody's word, it's mine." I was asked to leave.
-When asked to play a sport that you are not good at or do not understand, quickly but respectfully decline. You can offer a future activity at a time and place that is more convenient to both parties. Do not, however, try to explain away why you can't play with what you think is well-versed knowledge of the sport. Especially if you stopped reading about the history of basketball after 1900. Apparently, "you bring the balls, I'll bring the basket" is not an appropriate response to an invitation.
-Personal Digital Assistants (PDAs) can never replace Personal Human Assistants. Especially if those assistants are women in the 1950s and you are an advertising executive in the 1950s.
-If you read less than one book per day, you might actually be reading the words. Don't read the words, read the page numbers on every page. I can read 50 pages a minute! Have your gut and the jacket cover tell you the story.
-McDonalds is giving away free breakfast burritos tomorrow with purchase of a large drink. It's genius. It's stuff like this that we would learn about in business school, if we actually needed to go to business school.
-You should always have a few movie/book ideas floating around. You never know when you might meet a Hollywood executive type at a soiree. I try to write about one script per day. I'm up to writing 50 words a minute! Here are a few of my Ideas:
"Dirty Sluts Go To Asshole Town"
"Mad Maxi-pad, Beyond Thunderdouche"
"Meat the Parents"
"Star Wars, Episode 4"
"One and a Half Hours of Pancakes"
"Fast-Forward Dialogue, Slow-Motion Love Scenes"
That's about all the advice I can dish out right now, enjoy.
-Be careful about any seminar that advertises a discussion about the 'N' word. In many cases, it WILL NOT be about 'networking'. I mentioned that I often use the 'N' word in my blog posts and in daily conversation. When asked how I felt I could do such a thing, I replied "If it's anybody's word, it's mine." I was asked to leave.
-When asked to play a sport that you are not good at or do not understand, quickly but respectfully decline. You can offer a future activity at a time and place that is more convenient to both parties. Do not, however, try to explain away why you can't play with what you think is well-versed knowledge of the sport. Especially if you stopped reading about the history of basketball after 1900. Apparently, "you bring the balls, I'll bring the basket" is not an appropriate response to an invitation.
-Personal Digital Assistants (PDAs) can never replace Personal Human Assistants. Especially if those assistants are women in the 1950s and you are an advertising executive in the 1950s.
-If you read less than one book per day, you might actually be reading the words. Don't read the words, read the page numbers on every page. I can read 50 pages a minute! Have your gut and the jacket cover tell you the story.
-McDonalds is giving away free breakfast burritos tomorrow with purchase of a large drink. It's genius. It's stuff like this that we would learn about in business school, if we actually needed to go to business school.
-You should always have a few movie/book ideas floating around. You never know when you might meet a Hollywood executive type at a soiree. I try to write about one script per day. I'm up to writing 50 words a minute! Here are a few of my Ideas:
"Dirty Sluts Go To Asshole Town"
"Mad Maxi-pad, Beyond Thunderdouche"
"Meat the Parents"
"Star Wars, Episode 4"
"One and a Half Hours of Pancakes"
"Fast-Forward Dialogue, Slow-Motion Love Scenes"
That's about all the advice I can dish out right now, enjoy.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Disaster
Due to circumstances, I will not be reporting on my journey to DC just yet. I got caught up in a world I was unprepared for Friday night that was not at all young and not at all professional and in the process I lost my debit card. We all know that a young professional is powerless without his debit card. Without a debit card, young professionals cannot open tabs, nor can they buy rounds. It was traumatizing and devastating and any discussion of the weekend will have to wait until another day. Until then, stay tuned for more lessons.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Profile of a Young Professional Hero: Alexander Hamilton
They say that America was built on the backs of immigrants, but really it was beneath the polished wing-tipped shoes of young professionals climbing the staircase of success. And the first man to ever step on that staircase is a true American and a true Young Professional: Alexander Hamilton.
Alexander Hamilton was born on January 11 some year in the past. I say that because his birth records are unclear and it adds to his mistique. He was born out of wedlock to a frenchish mother and a scottish father. His bastardism is important, as all young professionals are driven by at least one demon of their past.
The demons of his past kept piling up, though, as his step-father left the family, his mother died and a hurricane devasted his Carribean island home. Always professional, he wrote a convincing piece to some newspaper that got him a scholarship to some school in New Jersey. I believe the article was about how to wear a pea-coat in the Carribean and still keep your cool, but I'm not sure. It could also easily have been about the rising prices of corn. Young professionals never pass up an opportunity to take advantage of natural disasters.
He did well in school and at the young age of 20(ish) realized that the American Revolution was occuring and saw an awesome chance to network.
He joined the artillery in New York, blew up some Redcoats and blew away his superiors. He networked himself all the way to be George Washington's chief of staff for the majority of the war by the age of 23(ish). It's interesting to note that Hamilton was involved with many of the tall tales associated to Washington. Throwing his wooded teeth across the Potomac, for instance. Few people realize that right before that Hamilton had made those wooden teeth by lobbing a tree up in the air and throwing a bunch of axes at it. He also covered George's ass when he chopped down the cherry tree. "I cannot tell a lie," said George. "Me neither. I can make you a sweet pair of cherry flavored dentures for the price of one dollar and that dead cherry tree. Hi, I'm Alexander Hamilton, and here's my card," said Hamilton.
As an adult, he was highly influential in shaping the early country. However, he is more famous for his death at a relatively young age (49ish) in a duel at the hands of evil Aaron Burr.
A young professional doesn't stand a chance in a duel. We're way too busy doing other things, like worrying about rising corn prices. It is a common way for young professionals to die, even today.
I hear the kids today say, "Who dis Alexander Hamiltons and how comes I's never hurd 'bout him 'round hurr?" It's a valid question, regardless of its grammatical weaknesses. He's barely mentioned in history books. But everyone knows that history books are written by old, slimy professionals. Young professionals are too busy MAKING history... and making history books (there's good money in publishing). Even today, old, inefficient codgers who fill the upper levels of the government with gunk are working hard to marginalize him.
Do you think I'm joking? Mr. Hamilton (as he was known to his friends) was the first secretary of the Treasury. Now, the crap-soaked old professionals who run his once beautiful department are trying to kick him off the $10 bill! Look:
Before money-raping:
AFTER money-raping:
They are literally marginalizing him. They are pushing him towards the margin. I'm sure if they had things their way, they would replace Hamilton with some jerk just to spite him. You know what? I bet they would put Aaron Burr on there and laugh! You think i'm joking again? Look at this sneak peek at the next version of the $10 bill:
And yes, that is a tear coming from Hamilton's eye, because he cares about America.
But he's not crying for himself, because he knows that, for aspiring young professionals, it's all about the Hamiltons.
Alexander Hamilton was born on January 11 some year in the past. I say that because his birth records are unclear and it adds to his mistique. He was born out of wedlock to a frenchish mother and a scottish father. His bastardism is important, as all young professionals are driven by at least one demon of their past.
The demons of his past kept piling up, though, as his step-father left the family, his mother died and a hurricane devasted his Carribean island home. Always professional, he wrote a convincing piece to some newspaper that got him a scholarship to some school in New Jersey. I believe the article was about how to wear a pea-coat in the Carribean and still keep your cool, but I'm not sure. It could also easily have been about the rising prices of corn. Young professionals never pass up an opportunity to take advantage of natural disasters.
He did well in school and at the young age of 20(ish) realized that the American Revolution was occuring and saw an awesome chance to network.
He joined the artillery in New York, blew up some Redcoats and blew away his superiors. He networked himself all the way to be George Washington's chief of staff for the majority of the war by the age of 23(ish). It's interesting to note that Hamilton was involved with many of the tall tales associated to Washington. Throwing his wooded teeth across the Potomac, for instance. Few people realize that right before that Hamilton had made those wooden teeth by lobbing a tree up in the air and throwing a bunch of axes at it. He also covered George's ass when he chopped down the cherry tree. "I cannot tell a lie," said George. "Me neither. I can make you a sweet pair of cherry flavored dentures for the price of one dollar and that dead cherry tree. Hi, I'm Alexander Hamilton, and here's my card," said Hamilton.
As an adult, he was highly influential in shaping the early country. However, he is more famous for his death at a relatively young age (49ish) in a duel at the hands of evil Aaron Burr.
A young professional doesn't stand a chance in a duel. We're way too busy doing other things, like worrying about rising corn prices. It is a common way for young professionals to die, even today.
I hear the kids today say, "Who dis Alexander Hamiltons and how comes I's never hurd 'bout him 'round hurr?" It's a valid question, regardless of its grammatical weaknesses. He's barely mentioned in history books. But everyone knows that history books are written by old, slimy professionals. Young professionals are too busy MAKING history... and making history books (there's good money in publishing). Even today, old, inefficient codgers who fill the upper levels of the government with gunk are working hard to marginalize him.
Do you think I'm joking? Mr. Hamilton (as he was known to his friends) was the first secretary of the Treasury. Now, the crap-soaked old professionals who run his once beautiful department are trying to kick him off the $10 bill! Look:
Before money-raping:
AFTER money-raping:
They are literally marginalizing him. They are pushing him towards the margin. I'm sure if they had things their way, they would replace Hamilton with some jerk just to spite him. You know what? I bet they would put Aaron Burr on there and laugh! You think i'm joking again? Look at this sneak peek at the next version of the $10 bill:
And yes, that is a tear coming from Hamilton's eye, because he cares about America.
But he's not crying for himself, because he knows that, for aspiring young professionals, it's all about the Hamiltons.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Professional Aspirations: Chicago Trip Part II
Let me start of this vigorously refined (olde english for 'young professional') post with a brief philosophical discussion.
There are two laws ruling the behavior of any young professional. 1) Maximize your time. Wasted time is wasted potential. 2) Waste your money. Saved money is old-person money. However, this leads to a paradox. For, you see, time IS money. So how can one both waste money yet maximize time? I apologize if I professionally fucked your brain.
Anyway, when I left off, I was in O'Hare waiting for my bags trying not to stare at the couple necking on the baggage carousel. If I were them, I would have hopped on the carousel and rode it in circles around the terminal. That would have been romantic. Unfortunately, I didn't fell like pushing the man away, using my perfectly shined boots to reflect the light into his eyes to temporarily blind him, wooing his lady-friend with worldy stories of international business intrigue. Alas.
I woke up the next morning and went through my normal pre-interview routine. I started with push-ups and sit-ups just like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Then I did that thing with the face peel and hydrating something, just like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. I also added a touch of my own (it might have been in the American Psycho book and not in the movie, but I wouldn't know. I don't read books unless they are read to me on .mp3 format by Robert DeNiro. 'You narratin' to me? You narratin' to me? There isn't anybody else around, so you must be narratin' to me.'). I call this touch 'Target Practice'. Have you ever seen someone practice shooting a gun by lining up a bunch of tin cans and shooting them off? Imagine that, but instead of shooting them off, you go up to the can, look it in the eye, introduce yourself, stick you hand out as though you were going to shake it's hand, and then crush the can. CRUSH IT. Repeat this down the line. It's how young professionals practice shaking hands. Interviewers have actually said to me, "I bet you could crush tin cans with that handshake." To which I respond, "Yes. Yes I can."
After I was finished preparing, I went to the 'EL' station to catch an 'Elevated Train' downtown. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the elevated train was actually UNDERGROUND. Disgusting, I know. Regardless, I made it downtown safely, checking every 2.5 seconds to make sure my wallet wasn't stolen. Young professionals are stranded without their wallets. It's where they keep their money.
The walk was chilly. I was protected from the winds by a dark blue overcoat. I would have worn my tried-and-true winter coat, but I was told that I "looked like an idiot" wearing that coat over my suit. The midwest required some adjusting.
Upon entering the building where I would hopefully soon be employed, I thought it best to immediately test the alertness of the security staff. Professionalism begins at the door, I always say. Believe it or not, I was able to go through the door, all the way to the elevator and back to the front desk before I was informed that I needed to sign in. I decided to take pity on the unattentive guard by telling him I was "lost" and "needed help finding _____ Engineering Company". He totally fell for it, and my investigation of the security system was complete. Suckers.
I followed the guard's instructions... er, I mean I went where I knew I had to go all along, and made it to the 6th floor, ready to unleash my networking powers. I was so ready that as soon the elevator door opened, I did a karate jump out into the hallway and made a really cool landing. Unfortunately, I knocked over a secretary carrying a bunch of files. Instead of risking a potentially embarrassing episode, I did what any young professional would do in that situation: I choked her out, dragged her into the janitor's closet and threw the files out the window to cover up all the evidence (I learned that from Michael Clayton). I confidently sauntered up to the receptionist and told her my name. She asked me if I had seen the scuffle she had just heard. I told her (very professionally) that the UPS guy got into a fight with the DHL guy over who had the faster overnight delivery. I also told her that I calmed the whole situation by saying "Look guys, you BOTH get the package there overnight, so what's the point in arguing?" She totally bought it.
Waiting for my interviewer to get me, I experienced one of the more awkward facts of being a young professional in a new office: when you don't know anybody, you automatically assume that everybody you see is the person you supposed to meet. Lots of uncomfortable eye contact. I'm still not sure how to deal with this youngly and professionally.
Oh, and to answer the paradox that I presented earlier: you need to realize, as a young professional, that wasting money IS maximizing money. You work hard so that you can waste more money and maybe, if you're lucky, when you die you can waste a bunch of money on an endowment that will be able to waste your money on interest alone forever.
Tune in next time for Part III (I really didn't think it would be this long, but so many real and fake things happened on this trip)
There are two laws ruling the behavior of any young professional. 1) Maximize your time. Wasted time is wasted potential. 2) Waste your money. Saved money is old-person money. However, this leads to a paradox. For, you see, time IS money. So how can one both waste money yet maximize time? I apologize if I professionally fucked your brain.
Anyway, when I left off, I was in O'Hare waiting for my bags trying not to stare at the couple necking on the baggage carousel. If I were them, I would have hopped on the carousel and rode it in circles around the terminal. That would have been romantic. Unfortunately, I didn't fell like pushing the man away, using my perfectly shined boots to reflect the light into his eyes to temporarily blind him, wooing his lady-friend with worldy stories of international business intrigue. Alas.
I woke up the next morning and went through my normal pre-interview routine. I started with push-ups and sit-ups just like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Then I did that thing with the face peel and hydrating something, just like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. I also added a touch of my own (it might have been in the American Psycho book and not in the movie, but I wouldn't know. I don't read books unless they are read to me on .mp3 format by Robert DeNiro. 'You narratin' to me? You narratin' to me? There isn't anybody else around, so you must be narratin' to me.'). I call this touch 'Target Practice'. Have you ever seen someone practice shooting a gun by lining up a bunch of tin cans and shooting them off? Imagine that, but instead of shooting them off, you go up to the can, look it in the eye, introduce yourself, stick you hand out as though you were going to shake it's hand, and then crush the can. CRUSH IT. Repeat this down the line. It's how young professionals practice shaking hands. Interviewers have actually said to me, "I bet you could crush tin cans with that handshake." To which I respond, "Yes. Yes I can."
After I was finished preparing, I went to the 'EL' station to catch an 'Elevated Train' downtown. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the elevated train was actually UNDERGROUND. Disgusting, I know. Regardless, I made it downtown safely, checking every 2.5 seconds to make sure my wallet wasn't stolen. Young professionals are stranded without their wallets. It's where they keep their money.
The walk was chilly. I was protected from the winds by a dark blue overcoat. I would have worn my tried-and-true winter coat, but I was told that I "looked like an idiot" wearing that coat over my suit. The midwest required some adjusting.
Upon entering the building where I would hopefully soon be employed, I thought it best to immediately test the alertness of the security staff. Professionalism begins at the door, I always say. Believe it or not, I was able to go through the door, all the way to the elevator and back to the front desk before I was informed that I needed to sign in. I decided to take pity on the unattentive guard by telling him I was "lost" and "needed help finding _____ Engineering Company". He totally fell for it, and my investigation of the security system was complete. Suckers.
I followed the guard's instructions... er, I mean I went where I knew I had to go all along, and made it to the 6th floor, ready to unleash my networking powers. I was so ready that as soon the elevator door opened, I did a karate jump out into the hallway and made a really cool landing. Unfortunately, I knocked over a secretary carrying a bunch of files. Instead of risking a potentially embarrassing episode, I did what any young professional would do in that situation: I choked her out, dragged her into the janitor's closet and threw the files out the window to cover up all the evidence (I learned that from Michael Clayton). I confidently sauntered up to the receptionist and told her my name. She asked me if I had seen the scuffle she had just heard. I told her (very professionally) that the UPS guy got into a fight with the DHL guy over who had the faster overnight delivery. I also told her that I calmed the whole situation by saying "Look guys, you BOTH get the package there overnight, so what's the point in arguing?" She totally bought it.
Waiting for my interviewer to get me, I experienced one of the more awkward facts of being a young professional in a new office: when you don't know anybody, you automatically assume that everybody you see is the person you supposed to meet. Lots of uncomfortable eye contact. I'm still not sure how to deal with this youngly and professionally.
Oh, and to answer the paradox that I presented earlier: you need to realize, as a young professional, that wasting money IS maximizing money. You work hard so that you can waste more money and maybe, if you're lucky, when you die you can waste a bunch of money on an endowment that will be able to waste your money on interest alone forever.
Tune in next time for Part III (I really didn't think it would be this long, but so many real and fake things happened on this trip)
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Portable Internet, tie pins, and watercoolers
As I sit here today, in my blue dress shirt, charcoal pants, and tie with golfers on it, (Very important note. If you don't golf, learn.) reading the first part of my colleague's journey to the windy city, I am inspired to make a trip of my own. This thursday, Guts will be traveling to the capital city of American young professionals, yes, the capital city of America, Washington, D.C. This is the city where I learned the foundation of what would become a veritable skyscraper of knowledge of young professionalism and related fields. (related fields include but are not limited to; Sexual Exploration, Controlled Depravity, Networking 101, Interpretive Eastern Dance, Sexual Exploration, and Sociocultural Anthropology).
The journey has been planned for months and was only to be a short respite from what has become a maelstrom of young professionalism in the Steel City. However, I suppose I lost sight of what was really important and geared up for the adventure for all the wrong reasons. This isn't some weekend getaway at some mineral spa in the Adirondacks (I'm talking to you "professionals"), this is a dirty sexy opportunity for raw and unadulterated networking, shit-shooting, and firm-handshaking. After seeing "Nums"'s fistful of business cards (more to come on that subject in the future), I was envious. His jolly little face lit up and he unfolded them with the same skill and ease that a Vegas dealer possesses. They seemed to glow in his hands, and he hoarded them like they were made of gold (which they are, metaphorical gold). I wanted to touch, but he pulled them away, tucked them into his sporting attire and we moved on to get Chinese food. I tried to keep up with him but his gait was much too spry. I wanted that feeling again. So, now I'm ready, sparked by fortune, powered by young professional diesel, I journey to my old stomping grounds to make my mark (again). I will be back Sunday. And come Monday, after I've finished all of my work at some record pace, I'll let you know all about it. Here is the tentative itinerary.
Thursday:
5:00 a.m. Depart Pittsburgh --- 12:00 p.m. Arrive in DC
12:01 p.m.- make clandestine contact with chick and/or businessman in Union Station.
12:02- purchase bottle of maker's mark from in-station liquor store and secure in Attache case.
12:45-2:00 sit in on old college class and remind people of how potentially successful I am
2:00-5:00- frequent local happy hours and buy lots of "rounds"
5:01-7:00- dine on moderate-moderately high priced local fare
7:01-9:00- meet up with old schoolmates and "catch-up"
9:00-10:02- watch Lost
10:03-3:00 a.m.- indulge, or "build a solid networking base"
Friday:
8:00 a.m.-11:00 hit snooze button every 30 minutes
11:01- purchase keg, or "alternative water cooler"
11:02- purchase jager, or "backup plan"
11:03-1:00 pm- hit up a bistro or cafe, borrow a macchiato and converse with old friends and new opponents
1:01-3:00 pm- drive to and from Baltimore to pick up friend. Network in Baltimore.
3:01-7:00- happy hours, consistent networking and "networking"
7:01-?? free time. (note the ?? you never know when it's gonna stop)
Saturday: (there is no "time" on weekends)
Morning: defeat hangover by running a mile (while listening to ipod *set to funktronicka), chugging a busch light, and watching a hilarious Martin Lawrence flick (Martin lawrence flick subject to change).
-Get brunch
Afternoon: Network, sightsee/revisit those places most dear to me and fertile for networking or "plowing"
Night: Hit up Irish pub, establish European contact base, play darts, (young professionals LOVE darts and are, not surprisingly, fantastic darters) drink imported beer, and sing karaoke (extremely well)
Late Night: Strip club/hookah bar (make seedy underground/middle east contacts)
Sunday:
Morning: Relax- watch sports, grunt
Afternoon: depart DC, network on the way out
Evening: Arrive in Pitt, unfasten my peacoat, put my feet up, show Nums my business cards
It's shaping up to be a good time. Of course, this is only a tentative schedule and a rough one at that. These were just highlights. Until then, stay beautiful.
The journey has been planned for months and was only to be a short respite from what has become a maelstrom of young professionalism in the Steel City. However, I suppose I lost sight of what was really important and geared up for the adventure for all the wrong reasons. This isn't some weekend getaway at some mineral spa in the Adirondacks (I'm talking to you "professionals"), this is a dirty sexy opportunity for raw and unadulterated networking, shit-shooting, and firm-handshaking. After seeing "Nums"'s fistful of business cards (more to come on that subject in the future), I was envious. His jolly little face lit up and he unfolded them with the same skill and ease that a Vegas dealer possesses. They seemed to glow in his hands, and he hoarded them like they were made of gold (which they are, metaphorical gold). I wanted to touch, but he pulled them away, tucked them into his sporting attire and we moved on to get Chinese food. I tried to keep up with him but his gait was much too spry. I wanted that feeling again. So, now I'm ready, sparked by fortune, powered by young professional diesel, I journey to my old stomping grounds to make my mark (again). I will be back Sunday. And come Monday, after I've finished all of my work at some record pace, I'll let you know all about it. Here is the tentative itinerary.
Thursday:
5:00 a.m. Depart Pittsburgh --- 12:00 p.m. Arrive in DC
12:01 p.m.- make clandestine contact with chick and/or businessman in Union Station.
12:02- purchase bottle of maker's mark from in-station liquor store and secure in Attache case.
12:45-2:00 sit in on old college class and remind people of how potentially successful I am
2:00-5:00- frequent local happy hours and buy lots of "rounds"
5:01-7:00- dine on moderate-moderately high priced local fare
7:01-9:00- meet up with old schoolmates and "catch-up"
9:00-10:02- watch Lost
10:03-3:00 a.m.- indulge, or "build a solid networking base"
Friday:
8:00 a.m.-11:00 hit snooze button every 30 minutes
11:01- purchase keg, or "alternative water cooler"
11:02- purchase jager, or "backup plan"
11:03-1:00 pm- hit up a bistro or cafe, borrow a macchiato and converse with old friends and new opponents
1:01-3:00 pm- drive to and from Baltimore to pick up friend. Network in Baltimore.
3:01-7:00- happy hours, consistent networking and "networking"
7:01-?? free time. (note the ?? you never know when it's gonna stop)
Saturday: (there is no "time" on weekends)
Morning: defeat hangover by running a mile (while listening to ipod *set to funktronicka), chugging a busch light, and watching a hilarious Martin Lawrence flick (Martin lawrence flick subject to change).
-Get brunch
Afternoon: Network, sightsee/revisit those places most dear to me and fertile for networking or "plowing"
Night: Hit up Irish pub, establish European contact base, play darts, (young professionals LOVE darts and are, not surprisingly, fantastic darters) drink imported beer, and sing karaoke (extremely well)
Late Night: Strip club/hookah bar (make seedy underground/middle east contacts)
Sunday:
Morning: Relax- watch sports, grunt
Afternoon: depart DC, network on the way out
Evening: Arrive in Pitt, unfasten my peacoat, put my feet up, show Nums my business cards
It's shaping up to be a good time. Of course, this is only a tentative schedule and a rough one at that. These were just highlights. Until then, stay beautiful.
Monday, February 18, 2008
A Moveable Professional
As promised, I am delivering Part one of my epic saga regarding a one-day trip to Chicago for an interview.
The trip really began on the bus ride to the airport. If you don't know, Pittsburgh's airport is about 40 minutes out of town. 40 minutes, that is, unless you unprofessionally decide to leave during rush hour. The bus cuts through down town in order to cross the river (one of three, I've heard). For some reason, I assumed that the rush would be OUT of town, not INTO town. I guess that people, in their confusion, were willing to go anywhere traffic would let them, even if it was backwards and further into the Heart of Professional Darkness: The Dinner Hour.
Needless to say, I did two things while on the bus: I read a historically important book, Silent Spring by Rachel Carson and I made infrequent eye-contact with a Pitt girl sitting nearby. This was the first of several calculated moves to maximize my time on the plane. You see, when travelling, you should always arrive early to scope out all the women or wealthy businessmen so you can calculate the odds of networking with a potential employer or 'networking' (coppin' a feel) with a potential 'employer' (chick). Remember the ABCs of networking: Always Be Calculating. If you aren't making predictions on seating arrangements, someone else is, and there's a good chance they'll be sitting next to the hottie. When I entered the plane, I had a .09 chance of landing a good seatmate. Unfortunately, I was assigned to a seat by myself. Some things you can't predict.
When I landed in Chicago, I was immediately greeted with a couple making out in the middle of O'Hare. I don't know about you, but I just don't understand public displays of affection. They are such aggregious wastes of hands, laps, and lips. Hands are meant to be shook, laps are meant to support briefcases (or attache cases, depending on the fashion), and lips are meant to: A) passionately kiss your mistress in private B) network or C) keep tightly closed when making quick but necessary love to your wive/fiancee. The only logical purpose I see is possibly unnerving competitors in the area with your wild slashes of the tongue (young professionals ALWAYS use the tongue, even when unprompted. There's no need to waste time asking).
I was apprehensive when I arrived in Chicago, unsure how to act in such an openly hostile city. That isn't to say that Chicago is hostile to everybody, just young professionals. The danger to a young professional increases directly with the number of young professionals in the area. It is not too different than a jungle (no, not a LIPSTICK jungle, smart-ass). Each young professional is competing for 2 things, a better job and a better mate. As soon as they get the best job, they move up a floor, above the fray and into another fray. As soon as they get a better mate, they move further out of the city into the suburbs. Once in the suburbs, they further compete for even better mates. If they are content with their mate, they may instead spend their time earning outrageous amounts of money so they can move outrageously further away from the city into outrageously large homes and struggle to pay their child's outrageously high tuition/allowance.
As it stands, our young and professional hero is waiting for his bags in Chicago. Part II will continue the saga...
The trip really began on the bus ride to the airport. If you don't know, Pittsburgh's airport is about 40 minutes out of town. 40 minutes, that is, unless you unprofessionally decide to leave during rush hour. The bus cuts through down town in order to cross the river (one of three, I've heard). For some reason, I assumed that the rush would be OUT of town, not INTO town. I guess that people, in their confusion, were willing to go anywhere traffic would let them, even if it was backwards and further into the Heart of Professional Darkness: The Dinner Hour.
Needless to say, I did two things while on the bus: I read a historically important book, Silent Spring by Rachel Carson and I made infrequent eye-contact with a Pitt girl sitting nearby. This was the first of several calculated moves to maximize my time on the plane. You see, when travelling, you should always arrive early to scope out all the women or wealthy businessmen so you can calculate the odds of networking with a potential employer or 'networking' (coppin' a feel) with a potential 'employer' (chick). Remember the ABCs of networking: Always Be Calculating. If you aren't making predictions on seating arrangements, someone else is, and there's a good chance they'll be sitting next to the hottie. When I entered the plane, I had a .09 chance of landing a good seatmate. Unfortunately, I was assigned to a seat by myself. Some things you can't predict.
When I landed in Chicago, I was immediately greeted with a couple making out in the middle of O'Hare. I don't know about you, but I just don't understand public displays of affection. They are such aggregious wastes of hands, laps, and lips. Hands are meant to be shook, laps are meant to support briefcases (or attache cases, depending on the fashion), and lips are meant to: A) passionately kiss your mistress in private B) network or C) keep tightly closed when making quick but necessary love to your wive/fiancee. The only logical purpose I see is possibly unnerving competitors in the area with your wild slashes of the tongue (young professionals ALWAYS use the tongue, even when unprompted. There's no need to waste time asking).
I was apprehensive when I arrived in Chicago, unsure how to act in such an openly hostile city. That isn't to say that Chicago is hostile to everybody, just young professionals. The danger to a young professional increases directly with the number of young professionals in the area. It is not too different than a jungle (no, not a LIPSTICK jungle, smart-ass). Each young professional is competing for 2 things, a better job and a better mate. As soon as they get the best job, they move up a floor, above the fray and into another fray. As soon as they get a better mate, they move further out of the city into the suburbs. Once in the suburbs, they further compete for even better mates. If they are content with their mate, they may instead spend their time earning outrageous amounts of money so they can move outrageously further away from the city into outrageously large homes and struggle to pay their child's outrageously high tuition/allowance.
As it stands, our young and professional hero is waiting for his bags in Chicago. Part II will continue the saga...
Friday, February 15, 2008
Word of the Day Calendar
The young professional loves word of the day calendars. The young professional believes that each day should be enumerated and that each of those days should also be associated with a word that most people probably do not use or can not define. The word of the day calendar (or possible substitute: Ziggy calendar. Young professionals love Ziggy. He's a riot) is one of the young professionals favorite tools used for purposes of condescension, because you can never over-remind someone how much better you are than them. So in honor of one of the most important parts of any young professional's desk, here is the word of the day for February 15, 2008
February 15, 2008
Copious
(KO pee us)
Definition: (adjective) Very plentiful, abundant
Example: The young professional made copious amounts of contacts at the networking soiree.
Synonyms: ample, bounteous, replete
Aspiring young professionals, everywhere, I urge you to go out and use this word. Live this word. Network and make copious contacts. Or eat copious amounts of pita and hummus. Or drink copious macchiatos. Even buy copious rounds at the bar with colleagues because it's friday, and young professionals buy rounds, or no booze at all.
Take care.
February 15, 2008
Copious
(KO pee us)
Definition: (adjective) Very plentiful, abundant
Example: The young professional made copious amounts of contacts at the networking soiree.
Synonyms: ample, bounteous, replete
Aspiring young professionals, everywhere, I urge you to go out and use this word. Live this word. Network and make copious contacts. Or eat copious amounts of pita and hummus. Or drink copious macchiatos. Even buy copious rounds at the bar with colleagues because it's friday, and young professionals buy rounds, or no booze at all.
Take care.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentine's Day
While Jimmy "Nums" is out living the young professional lifestyle in Chicago, interviewing and networking professionally. I'm holding down the home base making sure things stay extra classy in the Steel City.
Briefly, I think it is important to tell you how a young professional should handle a day like today. This day is currently presenting me with a couple of exciting opportunities. First of all, it's my day off. In the professional world, the day off is your time to read Kafka and watch reruns of Law and Order. It is your time to go to the market and buy rich brazilian coffee grounds and exotic pacific fish for dinner, paired with a chablis or a chardonnay by cucumber melon candlelight. HOWEVER, as a YOUNG PROFESSIONAL, you do not spend your days off like regular professionals. Regular professionals are the old guard, they are outdated, and they will die off. You will take over. If you spend your days off as young professionals eating vitamin enriched soy steaks and drinking pomegranate juice (pomegranate is really hot right now) you'll never be ready to crush people at your feet as a professional. So, you're all wondering. "Hey! Guts! What do I do on my day off from work if I'm an aspiring young professional?" Well I'll tell you.
YOU GO INTO WORK, that's where I am now, and where you should be if it were your day off.
That's right. The young professional does not tire. He does not need days off. ESPECIALLY during the week. If you really want to live the right way you do more work than is asked of you and you do it quickly. If they cannot produce enough work for you, then they are no longer your boss.
Disclaimer: Working tirelessly is as much a sign of kissing up as it is of incredible ability. Remember to continue to crack jokes, make sarcastic comments, and generally look like you really don't want to be there. Wear jeans on your "non-day" off and make hilarious sexual references to colleagues because HEY! it's your day off, they can't fire you if you aren't really working. And if they try and fire you, remind them that you came in ON YOUR DAY OFF.
Now that I've dropped that bit of knowledge on you, it is time to hit the other major opportunity that this particular day presents. It is Valentine's Day.
Ah, love is in the air. High school sweethearts will exchange flowers and feel up each other's bras. Married couples will go to casinos and gamble away their kids' college funds. But whatever will the young professional do.
GET ENGAGED!
Young professionals love... getting engaged. They relish the opportunity to almost whole heartedly commit to another person. It doesn't make sense to marry someone right away, otherwise the young professional would have thousands of wives. Thats why engagements exist. They exist so we have something consistent for our friends who aren't professional or may be semi-professional to be jealous of.
The young professional on Valentine's Day should find a girl who is smitten with him and engage her. Not just in conversation, but in almost-matrimony. For every young professional, there are 7 or 8 secretaries who want to date young professionals. At least they think they want to date, but really, they want to get engaged. You're either engaged or you're a loser in the young professional world. It's Valentine's day. Go out, find that girl who has some feelings for you and ask her to marry you. If it doesn't work out, so what? get engaged again, get engaged as often and as fast as possible because you never know which one might be the perfect trophy wife.
If you're just getting used to the whole young professional lifestyle, and you don't think you can really jump to that kind of "commitment" you should go out and get some champagne, or Miller High Life, and find a girl who just looks good, or even smells good that you can hang out with for the night. Talk to her about how much you work and how since V-day falls on a thursday this year, you have to go into work early tomorrow. Remind her how much money you will inevitably make.
You just might find, that after a few drinks, she'll be ready to get engaged.
There you go, the Valentine's Day gifts that keep on giving, and no Little Timmy from Redmond, Washington, I'm not talking about herpes. I'm talking about knowledge.
Take care.
Briefly, I think it is important to tell you how a young professional should handle a day like today. This day is currently presenting me with a couple of exciting opportunities. First of all, it's my day off. In the professional world, the day off is your time to read Kafka and watch reruns of Law and Order. It is your time to go to the market and buy rich brazilian coffee grounds and exotic pacific fish for dinner, paired with a chablis or a chardonnay by cucumber melon candlelight. HOWEVER, as a YOUNG PROFESSIONAL, you do not spend your days off like regular professionals. Regular professionals are the old guard, they are outdated, and they will die off. You will take over. If you spend your days off as young professionals eating vitamin enriched soy steaks and drinking pomegranate juice (pomegranate is really hot right now) you'll never be ready to crush people at your feet as a professional. So, you're all wondering. "Hey! Guts! What do I do on my day off from work if I'm an aspiring young professional?" Well I'll tell you.
YOU GO INTO WORK, that's where I am now, and where you should be if it were your day off.
That's right. The young professional does not tire. He does not need days off. ESPECIALLY during the week. If you really want to live the right way you do more work than is asked of you and you do it quickly. If they cannot produce enough work for you, then they are no longer your boss.
Disclaimer: Working tirelessly is as much a sign of kissing up as it is of incredible ability. Remember to continue to crack jokes, make sarcastic comments, and generally look like you really don't want to be there. Wear jeans on your "non-day" off and make hilarious sexual references to colleagues because HEY! it's your day off, they can't fire you if you aren't really working. And if they try and fire you, remind them that you came in ON YOUR DAY OFF.
Now that I've dropped that bit of knowledge on you, it is time to hit the other major opportunity that this particular day presents. It is Valentine's Day.
Ah, love is in the air. High school sweethearts will exchange flowers and feel up each other's bras. Married couples will go to casinos and gamble away their kids' college funds. But whatever will the young professional do.
GET ENGAGED!
Young professionals love... getting engaged. They relish the opportunity to almost whole heartedly commit to another person. It doesn't make sense to marry someone right away, otherwise the young professional would have thousands of wives. Thats why engagements exist. They exist so we have something consistent for our friends who aren't professional or may be semi-professional to be jealous of.
The young professional on Valentine's Day should find a girl who is smitten with him and engage her. Not just in conversation, but in almost-matrimony. For every young professional, there are 7 or 8 secretaries who want to date young professionals. At least they think they want to date, but really, they want to get engaged. You're either engaged or you're a loser in the young professional world. It's Valentine's day. Go out, find that girl who has some feelings for you and ask her to marry you. If it doesn't work out, so what? get engaged again, get engaged as often and as fast as possible because you never know which one might be the perfect trophy wife.
If you're just getting used to the whole young professional lifestyle, and you don't think you can really jump to that kind of "commitment" you should go out and get some champagne, or Miller High Life, and find a girl who just looks good, or even smells good that you can hang out with for the night. Talk to her about how much you work and how since V-day falls on a thursday this year, you have to go into work early tomorrow. Remind her how much money you will inevitably make.
You just might find, that after a few drinks, she'll be ready to get engaged.
There you go, the Valentine's Day gifts that keep on giving, and no Little Timmy from Redmond, Washington, I'm not talking about herpes. I'm talking about knowledge.
Take care.
An Important and Professional Journey
I am not able to entertain and inform you (or in the words of a true young professional: enterform) today as I am in a hurry to do what every young professional enjoys doing on a Thursday night: travelling for business.
Not only will I be travelling with a professional purpose, I will also be interviewing on the next day with a professional purpose. In the very professional city of Chicago, no less. Believe me, there will be much to write about.
In the mean time, sip a double-mocha caramel machiatto until I return.
Not only will I be travelling with a professional purpose, I will also be interviewing on the next day with a professional purpose. In the very professional city of Chicago, no less. Believe me, there will be much to write about.
In the mean time, sip a double-mocha caramel machiatto until I return.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Brunch of Champions
They say breakfast is the most important part of the day. And to a young professional, the day is the most imporant part of the year. Therefore, in order to maximize every day, you need to maximize every meal. Thus, I am introducing the concept of the Brunch. As you will see, a Brunch combines the objectiveness of Lunch with the subjectiveness of Breakfast.
You see, young professionals have busy days. They rarely have time to eat both breakfast AND lunch. However, they must somehow find a way to both start the day off right with an early meal and have a sit-down mid-day networking oppurtunity. The Brunch, invented by high-acheiving young professionals in the mid-18th century Britain, combines these necessary components of a sky-rocketing career path.
There is some debate as to when the proper brunching time is. Some say it is around 10:15, before the McDonalds breakfast menu closes. Others swear that it is around 10:45, when the lunch menu is just getting started. I believe that is a combination of the both. You should arrive with your networking target around 10:15 and offer to buy the first round of Croissantwiches. A side of OJ is a sign of immaturity and weakness. You should procure two of the largest cups of coffee available (warning: stay away from the 'Free-trade' coffee, if possible. You don't want to make a political statement without even saying a word). Remember, when given the chance to drink coffee, drink as much as you can as fast as you can. Same goes for alcohol at a soiree and water at a water cooler. Young professionals often impress management-types with these feats of endurance.
Regardless of what time you choose to brunch (yes, it's a verb. Nearly anything is a verb in the hands of an aspiring young professional), it is key that you do not attempt to do work beforehand. The morning is for facial wraps and angry commuting. If a superior catches you working before properly brunched, it will show that you have a severe lack of priority.
By far the most important part of brunch is the conversation. Networks are built on strong, yet not overly opinionated words. You must show that you are well-rounded and you posess the ability to browse the newspaper during the aforementioned angry commute. Be careful to avoid saying anything of substance, as it may give you or your networking target an upset stomach. Yet you must cover as many topics as possible, maximizing your lung and jaw expenditures. Here is a fine example of brunch conversation: "That John McCain, senator from Arizona, sure does have a chance to compete in future primaries. Much like the Yankees will likely compete in future playoffs, if last night's episode of Nip/Tuck has anything to say about it." Clear, concise, professional.
So have a tater tot on me, young professionals. And remember: every breath you take is a promotion in the job of Life.
Jimmy 'Nums'
You see, young professionals have busy days. They rarely have time to eat both breakfast AND lunch. However, they must somehow find a way to both start the day off right with an early meal and have a sit-down mid-day networking oppurtunity. The Brunch, invented by high-acheiving young professionals in the mid-18th century Britain, combines these necessary components of a sky-rocketing career path.
There is some debate as to when the proper brunching time is. Some say it is around 10:15, before the McDonalds breakfast menu closes. Others swear that it is around 10:45, when the lunch menu is just getting started. I believe that is a combination of the both. You should arrive with your networking target around 10:15 and offer to buy the first round of Croissantwiches. A side of OJ is a sign of immaturity and weakness. You should procure two of the largest cups of coffee available (warning: stay away from the 'Free-trade' coffee, if possible. You don't want to make a political statement without even saying a word). Remember, when given the chance to drink coffee, drink as much as you can as fast as you can. Same goes for alcohol at a soiree and water at a water cooler. Young professionals often impress management-types with these feats of endurance.
Regardless of what time you choose to brunch (yes, it's a verb. Nearly anything is a verb in the hands of an aspiring young professional), it is key that you do not attempt to do work beforehand. The morning is for facial wraps and angry commuting. If a superior catches you working before properly brunched, it will show that you have a severe lack of priority.
By far the most important part of brunch is the conversation. Networks are built on strong, yet not overly opinionated words. You must show that you are well-rounded and you posess the ability to browse the newspaper during the aforementioned angry commute. Be careful to avoid saying anything of substance, as it may give you or your networking target an upset stomach. Yet you must cover as many topics as possible, maximizing your lung and jaw expenditures. Here is a fine example of brunch conversation: "That John McCain, senator from Arizona, sure does have a chance to compete in future primaries. Much like the Yankees will likely compete in future playoffs, if last night's episode of Nip/Tuck has anything to say about it." Clear, concise, professional.
So have a tater tot on me, young professionals. And remember: every breath you take is a promotion in the job of Life.
Jimmy 'Nums'
On the road to success...
On the road to becoming a young professional, there are certain things a person MUST do. In my line of work (paralegal/dangerman/guide for aspiring young professionals), it is important to understand the nuances of what it means to be a "young professional" in order to properly lead your life in that direction. Also, it is imperative to follow a set of guidelines, and also to know, NAY, to memorize what young professionals love to do, and in turn, love to do those things yourself.
Briefly, that is the goal. In what I like to call Zach's 3-Point Path to Achievement, you must Search. then, Understand. and finally, Lead by example. In order to lead, you have to gain the knowledge necessary. That is why we are here. We are here to teach you and to learn with you as well.
This is the first installment of what I hope to be long-running articles on the technical points of becoming a young professional. These are the nuts and bolts, the fiber, if you will, of our craft. There is no need to give it to you all at once, as the art of young professionalism is constantly evolving. So in between the valuable life lessons we will share with you, we will also mix in the textbook version, and yes, it will be on the test.
Article I : Ways to Live Better and Be Young and Successful or GUIDELINES. Article II: Knowing who you are, What Young Professionals Love to Do.
Ways to Live Better and Be Young and Successful or GUIDELINES:
1. The young professional is always dressed "ready to network," at any occassion even if the occassion is remarkably "low-key." Any occassion is an opportunity for networking. Networking is one of the most important, if not THE most important objective that a young professional works toward, so it is important to look good.
Ways to accomplish this: Here are a couple of essentials. They include, but are not limited to, a. Power ties. A young professional must have a power tie (or many power ties) these also function as your networking ties. These are strong vibrant virile ties that let your fellow young professionals (or OPPONENTS) know that if they aren't talking to you, they aren't talking to anyone.
b. Sport jackets. You should have a blazer. You should have a navy blazer. If you don't have a navy blazer, you can't network, you can't go to soirees, and you certainly can not go to Yacht parties.
c. Pea Coats. WOW. I can not stress how important a pea coat is. You are nobody if you think you can be a young professional and not have a pea coat. That is twisted logic. You need a pea coat. They are indestructible, respected everywhere, and indestructible. Networking without a peacoat is like drinking miller high life light, you're working without a net people! Listen to me. I know. I was nothing. Until I got my pea coat.
Knowing who you are, What Young Professionals Love to Do
1. Young Professionals Love... driving audis. You should really invest in an Audi if you are going to be commuting or just driving in general as a young professional. An audi is 1. Foreign, 2. Compact, and c. essential.
You have to be able to take an S curve like the German Militia who built your car. Your car should be small. Lose the trucks men and get yourselves some imports! Because the only thing you need to be hauling around is success.
That's it for now.
This is just the beginning. I hope you all stay with us on our quest, as we stay with you. And America. Be good to each other.
Briefly, that is the goal. In what I like to call Zach's 3-Point Path to Achievement, you must Search. then, Understand. and finally, Lead by example. In order to lead, you have to gain the knowledge necessary. That is why we are here. We are here to teach you and to learn with you as well.
This is the first installment of what I hope to be long-running articles on the technical points of becoming a young professional. These are the nuts and bolts, the fiber, if you will, of our craft. There is no need to give it to you all at once, as the art of young professionalism is constantly evolving. So in between the valuable life lessons we will share with you, we will also mix in the textbook version, and yes, it will be on the test.
Article I : Ways to Live Better and Be Young and Successful or GUIDELINES. Article II: Knowing who you are, What Young Professionals Love to Do.
Ways to Live Better and Be Young and Successful or GUIDELINES:
1. The young professional is always dressed "ready to network," at any occassion even if the occassion is remarkably "low-key." Any occassion is an opportunity for networking. Networking is one of the most important, if not THE most important objective that a young professional works toward, so it is important to look good.
Ways to accomplish this: Here are a couple of essentials. They include, but are not limited to, a. Power ties. A young professional must have a power tie (or many power ties) these also function as your networking ties. These are strong vibrant virile ties that let your fellow young professionals (or OPPONENTS) know that if they aren't talking to you, they aren't talking to anyone.
b. Sport jackets. You should have a blazer. You should have a navy blazer. If you don't have a navy blazer, you can't network, you can't go to soirees, and you certainly can not go to Yacht parties.
c. Pea Coats. WOW. I can not stress how important a pea coat is. You are nobody if you think you can be a young professional and not have a pea coat. That is twisted logic. You need a pea coat. They are indestructible, respected everywhere, and indestructible. Networking without a peacoat is like drinking miller high life light, you're working without a net people! Listen to me. I know. I was nothing. Until I got my pea coat.
Knowing who you are, What Young Professionals Love to Do
1. Young Professionals Love... driving audis. You should really invest in an Audi if you are going to be commuting or just driving in general as a young professional. An audi is 1. Foreign, 2. Compact, and c. essential.
You have to be able to take an S curve like the German Militia who built your car. Your car should be small. Lose the trucks men and get yourselves some imports! Because the only thing you need to be hauling around is success.
That's it for now.
This is just the beginning. I hope you all stay with us on our quest, as we stay with you. And America. Be good to each other.
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