Leap Day Q & A

A Journey into the Young Professional Mailbag

Hi. It’s been a while. In my absence, I received quite a few letters from aspiring young professionals everywhere. I would like to take this time to respond to some of the more interesting questions that all of you out there need answers to.

Cranston P. Vagamore from Stamford, CT writes...
Dear Guts,
My friend, um, Scott, yeah Scott, wanted to know if there’s a Nature vs. Nurture element to being a young professional. As a brilliant and noble man myself, I understand that I am going to be fine, but I, uh, Scott is worried that maybe there’s more to it. Can you help him?

Dear Cranston (Scott),
That’s a very important question. More important than most questions that we have to deal with everyday. I am going to defer an answer to that until next week when Nums and I actually debate on that subject. However, in the mean time, I’ll just tell you that I also won’t answer now in fear of crushing a lot of aspiring young professionals out there. I mean, Cranston, look at the big picture, OF COURSE you can learn the ropes and mold yourself or be molded into a young professional, but only if you were born with it.

Post script: Scott, just because your name is Cranston, that doesn’t mean you’re a young professional

Mike Heeley from Chicago, IL writes...
Yo Guts!
How do I know if I am a young professional?

Dear Heeley,
This was a very dumb question. But I will answer it the only way I know how. Is there a twinkle in your eye? If there is, you are a dreamer, an idealist, and you’ll never reach your potential. Now, look at the girl closest to you, is there a twinkle in HER eye? If there is, then you might be a young professional. Stay in school.

Sparky Littleton from Arkansas writes...
Dear Guts,
I read Nums post about Alexander Hamilton and really admired his passion. I want to know. As a young professional, who is your young professional role model?

Dear Sparky,
Is Sparky your real name? That’s pretty cool. Who is my role model? Well, I hope yours is me.

Bill Worthington from Shepardsville, Idaho writes...
Dear Guts,
I’m a 41 year old Business Executive. I was once a young professional and I fear I’m falling into what you guys call "old professionalism" I used to go out and drink like 8 heinekens and bang cougars. Now, my wife has me sleeping on the couch, and my kids, well... Can you help me? Teach an old dog new tricks.

Dear Old Dog,
Oh how the mighty have fallen. It’s okay though. I’m feeling extremely generous today. First of all, because you came to me, let me take some time, before I give you some pointers, to point out what you did wrong so our younger, more virile, stronger audience does not make the same mistakes.

1. You got married. I’m going to go ahead and assume that your kids are teenagers and you got married during the peak of your young professional years. I cannot more strongly caution the rest of you against this. Get engaged, sure, but don’t settle down.

2. You drink Heineken? Get yourself a shallow glass. Drop 1-4 ice cubes in it. Pull out your Scotch and drink like a man who doesn’t let his wife put him out.

Now, you want me to teach you new tricks. Try these three on for size.

1. You’re 41 and you want to get back into the swing of things. You want to reclaim your young professional identity. You can, I know it. Just because most professionals have lost all touch with the classy and dignified younger crowd doesn’t mean they all have. The only difference between Young professionals and the Old Guard is not age, it’s perception (perception: n. banging younger women. Try it.) Get a mistress.

2. Take a vacation. Not just any vacation. A young professional odyssey. Load up your bags with cash and credit and hit the casinos. Every young professional can count cards and find hot slot machines even if they’re 7 gin and tonics in the whole and it’s only 9 am. Gamble everything away, then rebuild your fortune. After all, Young professionals get rich. Old guys like you, try and stay rich.

3. I bet you don’t even think about networking anymore. Do you remember what it felt like? Getting your name out there. You didn’t just wake up one day as Bill Worthington, business executive. No. You built your empire. Go to a soiree, hit the hors d’ouerves table and in between ham roll-ups and apple bree pastries, pass out a few business cards. Redecorate the office, sell drugs, wheel and deal. Dammit! Man! Live!

Alison Daniels from Madison, WI writes,
Dear Guts,
It feels weird to call you that. I can’t believe I found you. I just wanted to tell you that I did have an amazing night last September when you came here on a "business venture acquisition tour." Even though you stood me up for our date at Les Miserables Pizza Factory, and then showed up at 3 am on my doorstep, hammered, demanding sex, I thought it was magical. And well, I’m writing because I’m pregnant.

Dear Alison,
That’s interesting. I’m glad you wrote in. Aspiring young professionals should make a note of this. This will happen often. Young women will often pretend to be pregnant (or may actually be pregnant) and come to you to saddle you with this emotional burden. At least they think it’s an emotional burden. But babies are wonderful. However, young professional children don’t just happen, they come from cold, calculated fuck making, not romantic 3 am rendezvous.

9 times out of 10 these money-hungry succubi are just trying to make you think they’re pregnant and that it’s yours so they can shack up with you and slowly drain your portfolio. It works a lot too, and that is the sad part, that’s why the young professional has become an endangered species of sort. It works because young professionals often have anonymous sex when they’re on "capitalist networking endeavors" or "business venture acquisition tours." The only thing you can do my friends in that situation is claim "plausible deniability."

Besides the "unborn child" there is no evidence that anything wrong ever happened or that you were even involved at all. And because of your loose and informal contacts as well as your closely knit high ranking business circles, you can safely say you didn’t do it, and be absolutely right.

Here’s an example:
"Alison, I have never been to Wisconsin."

Until next time. Be Professional.