Professional Aspirations: Chicago Trip Part II

Let me start of this vigorously refined (olde english for 'young professional') post with a brief philosophical discussion.

There are two laws ruling the behavior of any young professional. 1) Maximize your time. Wasted time is wasted potential. 2) Waste your money. Saved money is old-person money. However, this leads to a paradox. For, you see, time IS money. So how can one both waste money yet maximize time? I apologize if I professionally fucked your brain.

Anyway, when I left off, I was in O'Hare waiting for my bags trying not to stare at the couple necking on the baggage carousel. If I were them, I would have hopped on the carousel and rode it in circles around the terminal. That would have been romantic. Unfortunately, I didn't fell like pushing the man away, using my perfectly shined boots to reflect the light into his eyes to temporarily blind him, wooing his lady-friend with worldy stories of international business intrigue. Alas.

I woke up the next morning and went through my normal pre-interview routine. I started with push-ups and sit-ups just like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Then I did that thing with the face peel and hydrating something, just like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. I also added a touch of my own (it might have been in the American Psycho book and not in the movie, but I wouldn't know. I don't read books unless they are read to me on .mp3 format by Robert DeNiro. 'You narratin' to me? You narratin' to me? There isn't anybody else around, so you must be narratin' to me.'). I call this touch 'Target Practice'. Have you ever seen someone practice shooting a gun by lining up a bunch of tin cans and shooting them off? Imagine that, but instead of shooting them off, you go up to the can, look it in the eye, introduce yourself, stick you hand out as though you were going to shake it's hand, and then crush the can. CRUSH IT. Repeat this down the line. It's how young professionals practice shaking hands. Interviewers have actually said to me, "I bet you could crush tin cans with that handshake." To which I respond, "Yes. Yes I can."

After I was finished preparing, I went to the 'EL' station to catch an 'Elevated Train' downtown. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the elevated train was actually UNDERGROUND. Disgusting, I know. Regardless, I made it downtown safely, checking every 2.5 seconds to make sure my wallet wasn't stolen. Young professionals are stranded without their wallets. It's where they keep their money.

The walk was chilly. I was protected from the winds by a dark blue overcoat. I would have worn my tried-and-true winter coat, but I was told that I "looked like an idiot" wearing that coat over my suit. The midwest required some adjusting.

Upon entering the building where I would hopefully soon be employed, I thought it best to immediately test the alertness of the security staff. Professionalism begins at the door, I always say. Believe it or not, I was able to go through the door, all the way to the elevator and back to the front desk before I was informed that I needed to sign in. I decided to take pity on the unattentive guard by telling him I was "lost" and "needed help finding _____ Engineering Company". He totally fell for it, and my investigation of the security system was complete. Suckers.

I followed the guard's instructions... er, I mean I went where I knew I had to go all along, and made it to the 6th floor, ready to unleash my networking powers. I was so ready that as soon the elevator door opened, I did a karate jump out into the hallway and made a really cool landing. Unfortunately, I knocked over a secretary carrying a bunch of files. Instead of risking a potentially embarrassing episode, I did what any young professional would do in that situation: I choked her out, dragged her into the janitor's closet and threw the files out the window to cover up all the evidence (I learned that from Michael Clayton). I confidently sauntered up to the receptionist and told her my name. She asked me if I had seen the scuffle she had just heard. I told her (very professionally) that the UPS guy got into a fight with the DHL guy over who had the faster overnight delivery. I also told her that I calmed the whole situation by saying "Look guys, you BOTH get the package there overnight, so what's the point in arguing?" She totally bought it.

Waiting for my interviewer to get me, I experienced one of the more awkward facts of being a young professional in a new office: when you don't know anybody, you automatically assume that everybody you see is the person you supposed to meet. Lots of uncomfortable eye contact. I'm still not sure how to deal with this youngly and professionally.

Oh, and to answer the paradox that I presented earlier: you need to realize, as a young professional, that wasting money IS maximizing money. You work hard so that you can waste more money and maybe, if you're lucky, when you die you can waste a bunch of money on an endowment that will be able to waste your money on interest alone forever.


Tune in next time for Part III (I really didn't think it would be this long, but so many real and fake things happened on this trip)