A Moveable Professional

As promised, I am delivering Part one of my epic saga regarding a one-day trip to Chicago for an interview.

The trip really began on the bus ride to the airport. If you don't know, Pittsburgh's airport is about 40 minutes out of town. 40 minutes, that is, unless you unprofessionally decide to leave during rush hour. The bus cuts through down town in order to cross the river (one of three, I've heard). For some reason, I assumed that the rush would be OUT of town, not INTO town. I guess that people, in their confusion, were willing to go anywhere traffic would let them, even if it was backwards and further into the Heart of Professional Darkness: The Dinner Hour.

Needless to say, I did two things while on the bus: I read a historically important book, Silent Spring by Rachel Carson and I made infrequent eye-contact with a Pitt girl sitting nearby. This was the first of several calculated moves to maximize my time on the plane. You see, when travelling, you should always arrive early to scope out all the women or wealthy businessmen so you can calculate the odds of networking with a potential employer or 'networking' (coppin' a feel) with a potential 'employer' (chick). Remember the ABCs of networking: Always Be Calculating. If you aren't making predictions on seating arrangements, someone else is, and there's a good chance they'll be sitting next to the hottie. When I entered the plane, I had a .09 chance of landing a good seatmate. Unfortunately, I was assigned to a seat by myself. Some things you can't predict.

When I landed in Chicago, I was immediately greeted with a couple making out in the middle of O'Hare. I don't know about you, but I just don't understand public displays of affection. They are such aggregious wastes of hands, laps, and lips. Hands are meant to be shook, laps are meant to support briefcases (or attache cases, depending on the fashion), and lips are meant to: A) passionately kiss your mistress in private B) network or C) keep tightly closed when making quick but necessary love to your wive/fiancee. The only logical purpose I see is possibly unnerving competitors in the area with your wild slashes of the tongue (young professionals ALWAYS use the tongue, even when unprompted. There's no need to waste time asking).

I was apprehensive when I arrived in Chicago, unsure how to act in such an openly hostile city. That isn't to say that Chicago is hostile to everybody, just young professionals. The danger to a young professional increases directly with the number of young professionals in the area. It is not too different than a jungle (no, not a LIPSTICK jungle, smart-ass). Each young professional is competing for 2 things, a better job and a better mate. As soon as they get the best job, they move up a floor, above the fray and into another fray. As soon as they get a better mate, they move further out of the city into the suburbs. Once in the suburbs, they further compete for even better mates. If they are content with their mate, they may instead spend their time earning outrageous amounts of money so they can move outrageously further away from the city into outrageously large homes and struggle to pay their child's outrageously high tuition/allowance.

As it stands, our young and professional hero is waiting for his bags in Chicago. Part II will continue the saga...