A Journey into the Young Professional Mailbag
Hi. It’s been a while. In my absence, I received quite a few letters from aspiring young professionals everywhere. I would like to take this time to respond to some of the more interesting questions that all of you out there need answers to.
Cranston P. Vagamore from Stamford, CT writes...
Dear Guts,
My friend, um, Scott, yeah Scott, wanted to know if there’s a Nature vs. Nurture element to being a young professional. As a brilliant and noble man myself, I understand that I am going to be fine, but I, uh, Scott is worried that maybe there’s more to it. Can you help him?
Dear Cranston (Scott),
That’s a very important question. More important than most questions that we have to deal with everyday. I am going to defer an answer to that until next week when Nums and I actually debate on that subject. However, in the mean time, I’ll just tell you that I also won’t answer now in fear of crushing a lot of aspiring young professionals out there. I mean, Cranston, look at the big picture, OF COURSE you can learn the ropes and mold yourself or be molded into a young professional, but only if you were born with it.
Post script: Scott, just because your name is Cranston, that doesn’t mean you’re a young professional
Mike Heeley from Chicago, IL writes...
Yo Guts!
How do I know if I am a young professional?
Dear Heeley,
This was a very dumb question. But I will answer it the only way I know how. Is there a twinkle in your eye? If there is, you are a dreamer, an idealist, and you’ll never reach your potential. Now, look at the girl closest to you, is there a twinkle in HER eye? If there is, then you might be a young professional. Stay in school.
Sparky Littleton from Arkansas writes...
Dear Guts,
I read Nums post about Alexander Hamilton and really admired his passion. I want to know. As a young professional, who is your young professional role model?
Dear Sparky,
Is Sparky your real name? That’s pretty cool. Who is my role model? Well, I hope yours is me.
Bill Worthington from Shepardsville, Idaho writes...
Dear Guts,
I’m a 41 year old Business Executive. I was once a young professional and I fear I’m falling into what you guys call "old professionalism" I used to go out and drink like 8 heinekens and bang cougars. Now, my wife has me sleeping on the couch, and my kids, well... Can you help me? Teach an old dog new tricks.
Dear Old Dog,
Oh how the mighty have fallen. It’s okay though. I’m feeling extremely generous today. First of all, because you came to me, let me take some time, before I give you some pointers, to point out what you did wrong so our younger, more virile, stronger audience does not make the same mistakes.
1. You got married. I’m going to go ahead and assume that your kids are teenagers and you got married during the peak of your young professional years. I cannot more strongly caution the rest of you against this. Get engaged, sure, but don’t settle down.
2. You drink Heineken? Get yourself a shallow glass. Drop 1-4 ice cubes in it. Pull out your Scotch and drink like a man who doesn’t let his wife put him out.
Now, you want me to teach you new tricks. Try these three on for size.
1. You’re 41 and you want to get back into the swing of things. You want to reclaim your young professional identity. You can, I know it. Just because most professionals have lost all touch with the classy and dignified younger crowd doesn’t mean they all have. The only difference between Young professionals and the Old Guard is not age, it’s perception (perception: n. banging younger women. Try it.) Get a mistress.
2. Take a vacation. Not just any vacation. A young professional odyssey. Load up your bags with cash and credit and hit the casinos. Every young professional can count cards and find hot slot machines even if they’re 7 gin and tonics in the whole and it’s only 9 am. Gamble everything away, then rebuild your fortune. After all, Young professionals get rich. Old guys like you, try and stay rich.
3. I bet you don’t even think about networking anymore. Do you remember what it felt like? Getting your name out there. You didn’t just wake up one day as Bill Worthington, business executive. No. You built your empire. Go to a soiree, hit the hors d’ouerves table and in between ham roll-ups and apple bree pastries, pass out a few business cards. Redecorate the office, sell drugs, wheel and deal. Dammit! Man! Live!
Alison Daniels from Madison, WI writes,
Dear Guts,
It feels weird to call you that. I can’t believe I found you. I just wanted to tell you that I did have an amazing night last September when you came here on a "business venture acquisition tour." Even though you stood me up for our date at Les Miserables Pizza Factory, and then showed up at 3 am on my doorstep, hammered, demanding sex, I thought it was magical. And well, I’m writing because I’m pregnant.
Dear Alison,
That’s interesting. I’m glad you wrote in. Aspiring young professionals should make a note of this. This will happen often. Young women will often pretend to be pregnant (or may actually be pregnant) and come to you to saddle you with this emotional burden. At least they think it’s an emotional burden. But babies are wonderful. However, young professional children don’t just happen, they come from cold, calculated fuck making, not romantic 3 am rendezvous.
9 times out of 10 these money-hungry succubi are just trying to make you think they’re pregnant and that it’s yours so they can shack up with you and slowly drain your portfolio. It works a lot too, and that is the sad part, that’s why the young professional has become an endangered species of sort. It works because young professionals often have anonymous sex when they’re on "capitalist networking endeavors" or "business venture acquisition tours." The only thing you can do my friends in that situation is claim "plausible deniability."
Besides the "unborn child" there is no evidence that anything wrong ever happened or that you were even involved at all. And because of your loose and informal contacts as well as your closely knit high ranking business circles, you can safely say you didn’t do it, and be absolutely right.
Here’s an example:
"Alison, I have never been to Wisconsin."
Until next time. Be Professional.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Professional thoughts:
Earlier in the day, I posted a helpful tip for a Young Professional. I thought I'd end the day with a few more, so you can end the week extra professionally.
-Be careful about any seminar that advertises a discussion about the 'N' word. In many cases, it WILL NOT be about 'networking'. I mentioned that I often use the 'N' word in my blog posts and in daily conversation. When asked how I felt I could do such a thing, I replied "If it's anybody's word, it's mine." I was asked to leave.
-When asked to play a sport that you are not good at or do not understand, quickly but respectfully decline. You can offer a future activity at a time and place that is more convenient to both parties. Do not, however, try to explain away why you can't play with what you think is well-versed knowledge of the sport. Especially if you stopped reading about the history of basketball after 1900. Apparently, "you bring the balls, I'll bring the basket" is not an appropriate response to an invitation.
-Personal Digital Assistants (PDAs) can never replace Personal Human Assistants. Especially if those assistants are women in the 1950s and you are an advertising executive in the 1950s.
-If you read less than one book per day, you might actually be reading the words. Don't read the words, read the page numbers on every page. I can read 50 pages a minute! Have your gut and the jacket cover tell you the story.
-McDonalds is giving away free breakfast burritos tomorrow with purchase of a large drink. It's genius. It's stuff like this that we would learn about in business school, if we actually needed to go to business school.
-You should always have a few movie/book ideas floating around. You never know when you might meet a Hollywood executive type at a soiree. I try to write about one script per day. I'm up to writing 50 words a minute! Here are a few of my Ideas:
"Dirty Sluts Go To Asshole Town"
"Mad Maxi-pad, Beyond Thunderdouche"
"Meat the Parents"
"Star Wars, Episode 4"
"One and a Half Hours of Pancakes"
"Fast-Forward Dialogue, Slow-Motion Love Scenes"
That's about all the advice I can dish out right now, enjoy.
-Be careful about any seminar that advertises a discussion about the 'N' word. In many cases, it WILL NOT be about 'networking'. I mentioned that I often use the 'N' word in my blog posts and in daily conversation. When asked how I felt I could do such a thing, I replied "If it's anybody's word, it's mine." I was asked to leave.
-When asked to play a sport that you are not good at or do not understand, quickly but respectfully decline. You can offer a future activity at a time and place that is more convenient to both parties. Do not, however, try to explain away why you can't play with what you think is well-versed knowledge of the sport. Especially if you stopped reading about the history of basketball after 1900. Apparently, "you bring the balls, I'll bring the basket" is not an appropriate response to an invitation.
-Personal Digital Assistants (PDAs) can never replace Personal Human Assistants. Especially if those assistants are women in the 1950s and you are an advertising executive in the 1950s.
-If you read less than one book per day, you might actually be reading the words. Don't read the words, read the page numbers on every page. I can read 50 pages a minute! Have your gut and the jacket cover tell you the story.
-McDonalds is giving away free breakfast burritos tomorrow with purchase of a large drink. It's genius. It's stuff like this that we would learn about in business school, if we actually needed to go to business school.
-You should always have a few movie/book ideas floating around. You never know when you might meet a Hollywood executive type at a soiree. I try to write about one script per day. I'm up to writing 50 words a minute! Here are a few of my Ideas:
"Dirty Sluts Go To Asshole Town"
"Mad Maxi-pad, Beyond Thunderdouche"
"Meat the Parents"
"Star Wars, Episode 4"
"One and a Half Hours of Pancakes"
"Fast-Forward Dialogue, Slow-Motion Love Scenes"
That's about all the advice I can dish out right now, enjoy.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Disaster
Due to circumstances, I will not be reporting on my journey to DC just yet. I got caught up in a world I was unprepared for Friday night that was not at all young and not at all professional and in the process I lost my debit card. We all know that a young professional is powerless without his debit card. Without a debit card, young professionals cannot open tabs, nor can they buy rounds. It was traumatizing and devastating and any discussion of the weekend will have to wait until another day. Until then, stay tuned for more lessons.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Profile of a Young Professional Hero: Alexander Hamilton
They say that America was built on the backs of immigrants, but really it was beneath the polished wing-tipped shoes of young professionals climbing the staircase of success. And the first man to ever step on that staircase is a true American and a true Young Professional: Alexander Hamilton.
Alexander Hamilton was born on January 11 some year in the past. I say that because his birth records are unclear and it adds to his mistique. He was born out of wedlock to a frenchish mother and a scottish father. His bastardism is important, as all young professionals are driven by at least one demon of their past.
The demons of his past kept piling up, though, as his step-father left the family, his mother died and a hurricane devasted his Carribean island home. Always professional, he wrote a convincing piece to some newspaper that got him a scholarship to some school in New Jersey. I believe the article was about how to wear a pea-coat in the Carribean and still keep your cool, but I'm not sure. It could also easily have been about the rising prices of corn. Young professionals never pass up an opportunity to take advantage of natural disasters.
He did well in school and at the young age of 20(ish) realized that the American Revolution was occuring and saw an awesome chance to network.
He joined the artillery in New York, blew up some Redcoats and blew away his superiors. He networked himself all the way to be George Washington's chief of staff for the majority of the war by the age of 23(ish). It's interesting to note that Hamilton was involved with many of the tall tales associated to Washington. Throwing his wooded teeth across the Potomac, for instance. Few people realize that right before that Hamilton had made those wooden teeth by lobbing a tree up in the air and throwing a bunch of axes at it. He also covered George's ass when he chopped down the cherry tree. "I cannot tell a lie," said George. "Me neither. I can make you a sweet pair of cherry flavored dentures for the price of one dollar and that dead cherry tree. Hi, I'm Alexander Hamilton, and here's my card," said Hamilton.
As an adult, he was highly influential in shaping the early country. However, he is more famous for his death at a relatively young age (49ish) in a duel at the hands of evil Aaron Burr.
A young professional doesn't stand a chance in a duel. We're way too busy doing other things, like worrying about rising corn prices. It is a common way for young professionals to die, even today.
I hear the kids today say, "Who dis Alexander Hamiltons and how comes I's never hurd 'bout him 'round hurr?" It's a valid question, regardless of its grammatical weaknesses. He's barely mentioned in history books. But everyone knows that history books are written by old, slimy professionals. Young professionals are too busy MAKING history... and making history books (there's good money in publishing). Even today, old, inefficient codgers who fill the upper levels of the government with gunk are working hard to marginalize him.
Do you think I'm joking? Mr. Hamilton (as he was known to his friends) was the first secretary of the Treasury. Now, the crap-soaked old professionals who run his once beautiful department are trying to kick him off the $10 bill! Look:
Before money-raping:
AFTER money-raping:
They are literally marginalizing him. They are pushing him towards the margin. I'm sure if they had things their way, they would replace Hamilton with some jerk just to spite him. You know what? I bet they would put Aaron Burr on there and laugh! You think i'm joking again? Look at this sneak peek at the next version of the $10 bill:
And yes, that is a tear coming from Hamilton's eye, because he cares about America.
But he's not crying for himself, because he knows that, for aspiring young professionals, it's all about the Hamiltons.
Alexander Hamilton was born on January 11 some year in the past. I say that because his birth records are unclear and it adds to his mistique. He was born out of wedlock to a frenchish mother and a scottish father. His bastardism is important, as all young professionals are driven by at least one demon of their past.
The demons of his past kept piling up, though, as his step-father left the family, his mother died and a hurricane devasted his Carribean island home. Always professional, he wrote a convincing piece to some newspaper that got him a scholarship to some school in New Jersey. I believe the article was about how to wear a pea-coat in the Carribean and still keep your cool, but I'm not sure. It could also easily have been about the rising prices of corn. Young professionals never pass up an opportunity to take advantage of natural disasters.
He did well in school and at the young age of 20(ish) realized that the American Revolution was occuring and saw an awesome chance to network.
He joined the artillery in New York, blew up some Redcoats and blew away his superiors. He networked himself all the way to be George Washington's chief of staff for the majority of the war by the age of 23(ish). It's interesting to note that Hamilton was involved with many of the tall tales associated to Washington. Throwing his wooded teeth across the Potomac, for instance. Few people realize that right before that Hamilton had made those wooden teeth by lobbing a tree up in the air and throwing a bunch of axes at it. He also covered George's ass when he chopped down the cherry tree. "I cannot tell a lie," said George. "Me neither. I can make you a sweet pair of cherry flavored dentures for the price of one dollar and that dead cherry tree. Hi, I'm Alexander Hamilton, and here's my card," said Hamilton.
As an adult, he was highly influential in shaping the early country. However, he is more famous for his death at a relatively young age (49ish) in a duel at the hands of evil Aaron Burr.
A young professional doesn't stand a chance in a duel. We're way too busy doing other things, like worrying about rising corn prices. It is a common way for young professionals to die, even today.
I hear the kids today say, "Who dis Alexander Hamiltons and how comes I's never hurd 'bout him 'round hurr?" It's a valid question, regardless of its grammatical weaknesses. He's barely mentioned in history books. But everyone knows that history books are written by old, slimy professionals. Young professionals are too busy MAKING history... and making history books (there's good money in publishing). Even today, old, inefficient codgers who fill the upper levels of the government with gunk are working hard to marginalize him.
Do you think I'm joking? Mr. Hamilton (as he was known to his friends) was the first secretary of the Treasury. Now, the crap-soaked old professionals who run his once beautiful department are trying to kick him off the $10 bill! Look:
Before money-raping:
AFTER money-raping:
They are literally marginalizing him. They are pushing him towards the margin. I'm sure if they had things their way, they would replace Hamilton with some jerk just to spite him. You know what? I bet they would put Aaron Burr on there and laugh! You think i'm joking again? Look at this sneak peek at the next version of the $10 bill:
And yes, that is a tear coming from Hamilton's eye, because he cares about America.
But he's not crying for himself, because he knows that, for aspiring young professionals, it's all about the Hamiltons.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Professional Aspirations: Chicago Trip Part II
Let me start of this vigorously refined (olde english for 'young professional') post with a brief philosophical discussion.
There are two laws ruling the behavior of any young professional. 1) Maximize your time. Wasted time is wasted potential. 2) Waste your money. Saved money is old-person money. However, this leads to a paradox. For, you see, time IS money. So how can one both waste money yet maximize time? I apologize if I professionally fucked your brain.
Anyway, when I left off, I was in O'Hare waiting for my bags trying not to stare at the couple necking on the baggage carousel. If I were them, I would have hopped on the carousel and rode it in circles around the terminal. That would have been romantic. Unfortunately, I didn't fell like pushing the man away, using my perfectly shined boots to reflect the light into his eyes to temporarily blind him, wooing his lady-friend with worldy stories of international business intrigue. Alas.
I woke up the next morning and went through my normal pre-interview routine. I started with push-ups and sit-ups just like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Then I did that thing with the face peel and hydrating something, just like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. I also added a touch of my own (it might have been in the American Psycho book and not in the movie, but I wouldn't know. I don't read books unless they are read to me on .mp3 format by Robert DeNiro. 'You narratin' to me? You narratin' to me? There isn't anybody else around, so you must be narratin' to me.'). I call this touch 'Target Practice'. Have you ever seen someone practice shooting a gun by lining up a bunch of tin cans and shooting them off? Imagine that, but instead of shooting them off, you go up to the can, look it in the eye, introduce yourself, stick you hand out as though you were going to shake it's hand, and then crush the can. CRUSH IT. Repeat this down the line. It's how young professionals practice shaking hands. Interviewers have actually said to me, "I bet you could crush tin cans with that handshake." To which I respond, "Yes. Yes I can."
After I was finished preparing, I went to the 'EL' station to catch an 'Elevated Train' downtown. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the elevated train was actually UNDERGROUND. Disgusting, I know. Regardless, I made it downtown safely, checking every 2.5 seconds to make sure my wallet wasn't stolen. Young professionals are stranded without their wallets. It's where they keep their money.
The walk was chilly. I was protected from the winds by a dark blue overcoat. I would have worn my tried-and-true winter coat, but I was told that I "looked like an idiot" wearing that coat over my suit. The midwest required some adjusting.
Upon entering the building where I would hopefully soon be employed, I thought it best to immediately test the alertness of the security staff. Professionalism begins at the door, I always say. Believe it or not, I was able to go through the door, all the way to the elevator and back to the front desk before I was informed that I needed to sign in. I decided to take pity on the unattentive guard by telling him I was "lost" and "needed help finding _____ Engineering Company". He totally fell for it, and my investigation of the security system was complete. Suckers.
I followed the guard's instructions... er, I mean I went where I knew I had to go all along, and made it to the 6th floor, ready to unleash my networking powers. I was so ready that as soon the elevator door opened, I did a karate jump out into the hallway and made a really cool landing. Unfortunately, I knocked over a secretary carrying a bunch of files. Instead of risking a potentially embarrassing episode, I did what any young professional would do in that situation: I choked her out, dragged her into the janitor's closet and threw the files out the window to cover up all the evidence (I learned that from Michael Clayton). I confidently sauntered up to the receptionist and told her my name. She asked me if I had seen the scuffle she had just heard. I told her (very professionally) that the UPS guy got into a fight with the DHL guy over who had the faster overnight delivery. I also told her that I calmed the whole situation by saying "Look guys, you BOTH get the package there overnight, so what's the point in arguing?" She totally bought it.
Waiting for my interviewer to get me, I experienced one of the more awkward facts of being a young professional in a new office: when you don't know anybody, you automatically assume that everybody you see is the person you supposed to meet. Lots of uncomfortable eye contact. I'm still not sure how to deal with this youngly and professionally.
Oh, and to answer the paradox that I presented earlier: you need to realize, as a young professional, that wasting money IS maximizing money. You work hard so that you can waste more money and maybe, if you're lucky, when you die you can waste a bunch of money on an endowment that will be able to waste your money on interest alone forever.
Tune in next time for Part III (I really didn't think it would be this long, but so many real and fake things happened on this trip)
There are two laws ruling the behavior of any young professional. 1) Maximize your time. Wasted time is wasted potential. 2) Waste your money. Saved money is old-person money. However, this leads to a paradox. For, you see, time IS money. So how can one both waste money yet maximize time? I apologize if I professionally fucked your brain.
Anyway, when I left off, I was in O'Hare waiting for my bags trying not to stare at the couple necking on the baggage carousel. If I were them, I would have hopped on the carousel and rode it in circles around the terminal. That would have been romantic. Unfortunately, I didn't fell like pushing the man away, using my perfectly shined boots to reflect the light into his eyes to temporarily blind him, wooing his lady-friend with worldy stories of international business intrigue. Alas.
I woke up the next morning and went through my normal pre-interview routine. I started with push-ups and sit-ups just like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Then I did that thing with the face peel and hydrating something, just like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. I also added a touch of my own (it might have been in the American Psycho book and not in the movie, but I wouldn't know. I don't read books unless they are read to me on .mp3 format by Robert DeNiro. 'You narratin' to me? You narratin' to me? There isn't anybody else around, so you must be narratin' to me.'). I call this touch 'Target Practice'. Have you ever seen someone practice shooting a gun by lining up a bunch of tin cans and shooting them off? Imagine that, but instead of shooting them off, you go up to the can, look it in the eye, introduce yourself, stick you hand out as though you were going to shake it's hand, and then crush the can. CRUSH IT. Repeat this down the line. It's how young professionals practice shaking hands. Interviewers have actually said to me, "I bet you could crush tin cans with that handshake." To which I respond, "Yes. Yes I can."
After I was finished preparing, I went to the 'EL' station to catch an 'Elevated Train' downtown. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the elevated train was actually UNDERGROUND. Disgusting, I know. Regardless, I made it downtown safely, checking every 2.5 seconds to make sure my wallet wasn't stolen. Young professionals are stranded without their wallets. It's where they keep their money.
The walk was chilly. I was protected from the winds by a dark blue overcoat. I would have worn my tried-and-true winter coat, but I was told that I "looked like an idiot" wearing that coat over my suit. The midwest required some adjusting.
Upon entering the building where I would hopefully soon be employed, I thought it best to immediately test the alertness of the security staff. Professionalism begins at the door, I always say. Believe it or not, I was able to go through the door, all the way to the elevator and back to the front desk before I was informed that I needed to sign in. I decided to take pity on the unattentive guard by telling him I was "lost" and "needed help finding _____ Engineering Company". He totally fell for it, and my investigation of the security system was complete. Suckers.
I followed the guard's instructions... er, I mean I went where I knew I had to go all along, and made it to the 6th floor, ready to unleash my networking powers. I was so ready that as soon the elevator door opened, I did a karate jump out into the hallway and made a really cool landing. Unfortunately, I knocked over a secretary carrying a bunch of files. Instead of risking a potentially embarrassing episode, I did what any young professional would do in that situation: I choked her out, dragged her into the janitor's closet and threw the files out the window to cover up all the evidence (I learned that from Michael Clayton). I confidently sauntered up to the receptionist and told her my name. She asked me if I had seen the scuffle she had just heard. I told her (very professionally) that the UPS guy got into a fight with the DHL guy over who had the faster overnight delivery. I also told her that I calmed the whole situation by saying "Look guys, you BOTH get the package there overnight, so what's the point in arguing?" She totally bought it.
Waiting for my interviewer to get me, I experienced one of the more awkward facts of being a young professional in a new office: when you don't know anybody, you automatically assume that everybody you see is the person you supposed to meet. Lots of uncomfortable eye contact. I'm still not sure how to deal with this youngly and professionally.
Oh, and to answer the paradox that I presented earlier: you need to realize, as a young professional, that wasting money IS maximizing money. You work hard so that you can waste more money and maybe, if you're lucky, when you die you can waste a bunch of money on an endowment that will be able to waste your money on interest alone forever.
Tune in next time for Part III (I really didn't think it would be this long, but so many real and fake things happened on this trip)
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Portable Internet, tie pins, and watercoolers
As I sit here today, in my blue dress shirt, charcoal pants, and tie with golfers on it, (Very important note. If you don't golf, learn.) reading the first part of my colleague's journey to the windy city, I am inspired to make a trip of my own. This thursday, Guts will be traveling to the capital city of American young professionals, yes, the capital city of America, Washington, D.C. This is the city where I learned the foundation of what would become a veritable skyscraper of knowledge of young professionalism and related fields. (related fields include but are not limited to; Sexual Exploration, Controlled Depravity, Networking 101, Interpretive Eastern Dance, Sexual Exploration, and Sociocultural Anthropology).
The journey has been planned for months and was only to be a short respite from what has become a maelstrom of young professionalism in the Steel City. However, I suppose I lost sight of what was really important and geared up for the adventure for all the wrong reasons. This isn't some weekend getaway at some mineral spa in the Adirondacks (I'm talking to you "professionals"), this is a dirty sexy opportunity for raw and unadulterated networking, shit-shooting, and firm-handshaking. After seeing "Nums"'s fistful of business cards (more to come on that subject in the future), I was envious. His jolly little face lit up and he unfolded them with the same skill and ease that a Vegas dealer possesses. They seemed to glow in his hands, and he hoarded them like they were made of gold (which they are, metaphorical gold). I wanted to touch, but he pulled them away, tucked them into his sporting attire and we moved on to get Chinese food. I tried to keep up with him but his gait was much too spry. I wanted that feeling again. So, now I'm ready, sparked by fortune, powered by young professional diesel, I journey to my old stomping grounds to make my mark (again). I will be back Sunday. And come Monday, after I've finished all of my work at some record pace, I'll let you know all about it. Here is the tentative itinerary.
Thursday:
5:00 a.m. Depart Pittsburgh --- 12:00 p.m. Arrive in DC
12:01 p.m.- make clandestine contact with chick and/or businessman in Union Station.
12:02- purchase bottle of maker's mark from in-station liquor store and secure in Attache case.
12:45-2:00 sit in on old college class and remind people of how potentially successful I am
2:00-5:00- frequent local happy hours and buy lots of "rounds"
5:01-7:00- dine on moderate-moderately high priced local fare
7:01-9:00- meet up with old schoolmates and "catch-up"
9:00-10:02- watch Lost
10:03-3:00 a.m.- indulge, or "build a solid networking base"
Friday:
8:00 a.m.-11:00 hit snooze button every 30 minutes
11:01- purchase keg, or "alternative water cooler"
11:02- purchase jager, or "backup plan"
11:03-1:00 pm- hit up a bistro or cafe, borrow a macchiato and converse with old friends and new opponents
1:01-3:00 pm- drive to and from Baltimore to pick up friend. Network in Baltimore.
3:01-7:00- happy hours, consistent networking and "networking"
7:01-?? free time. (note the ?? you never know when it's gonna stop)
Saturday: (there is no "time" on weekends)
Morning: defeat hangover by running a mile (while listening to ipod *set to funktronicka), chugging a busch light, and watching a hilarious Martin Lawrence flick (Martin lawrence flick subject to change).
-Get brunch
Afternoon: Network, sightsee/revisit those places most dear to me and fertile for networking or "plowing"
Night: Hit up Irish pub, establish European contact base, play darts, (young professionals LOVE darts and are, not surprisingly, fantastic darters) drink imported beer, and sing karaoke (extremely well)
Late Night: Strip club/hookah bar (make seedy underground/middle east contacts)
Sunday:
Morning: Relax- watch sports, grunt
Afternoon: depart DC, network on the way out
Evening: Arrive in Pitt, unfasten my peacoat, put my feet up, show Nums my business cards
It's shaping up to be a good time. Of course, this is only a tentative schedule and a rough one at that. These were just highlights. Until then, stay beautiful.
The journey has been planned for months and was only to be a short respite from what has become a maelstrom of young professionalism in the Steel City. However, I suppose I lost sight of what was really important and geared up for the adventure for all the wrong reasons. This isn't some weekend getaway at some mineral spa in the Adirondacks (I'm talking to you "professionals"), this is a dirty sexy opportunity for raw and unadulterated networking, shit-shooting, and firm-handshaking. After seeing "Nums"'s fistful of business cards (more to come on that subject in the future), I was envious. His jolly little face lit up and he unfolded them with the same skill and ease that a Vegas dealer possesses. They seemed to glow in his hands, and he hoarded them like they were made of gold (which they are, metaphorical gold). I wanted to touch, but he pulled them away, tucked them into his sporting attire and we moved on to get Chinese food. I tried to keep up with him but his gait was much too spry. I wanted that feeling again. So, now I'm ready, sparked by fortune, powered by young professional diesel, I journey to my old stomping grounds to make my mark (again). I will be back Sunday. And come Monday, after I've finished all of my work at some record pace, I'll let you know all about it. Here is the tentative itinerary.
Thursday:
5:00 a.m. Depart Pittsburgh --- 12:00 p.m. Arrive in DC
12:01 p.m.- make clandestine contact with chick and/or businessman in Union Station.
12:02- purchase bottle of maker's mark from in-station liquor store and secure in Attache case.
12:45-2:00 sit in on old college class and remind people of how potentially successful I am
2:00-5:00- frequent local happy hours and buy lots of "rounds"
5:01-7:00- dine on moderate-moderately high priced local fare
7:01-9:00- meet up with old schoolmates and "catch-up"
9:00-10:02- watch Lost
10:03-3:00 a.m.- indulge, or "build a solid networking base"
Friday:
8:00 a.m.-11:00 hit snooze button every 30 minutes
11:01- purchase keg, or "alternative water cooler"
11:02- purchase jager, or "backup plan"
11:03-1:00 pm- hit up a bistro or cafe, borrow a macchiato and converse with old friends and new opponents
1:01-3:00 pm- drive to and from Baltimore to pick up friend. Network in Baltimore.
3:01-7:00- happy hours, consistent networking and "networking"
7:01-?? free time. (note the ?? you never know when it's gonna stop)
Saturday: (there is no "time" on weekends)
Morning: defeat hangover by running a mile (while listening to ipod *set to funktronicka), chugging a busch light, and watching a hilarious Martin Lawrence flick (Martin lawrence flick subject to change).
-Get brunch
Afternoon: Network, sightsee/revisit those places most dear to me and fertile for networking or "plowing"
Night: Hit up Irish pub, establish European contact base, play darts, (young professionals LOVE darts and are, not surprisingly, fantastic darters) drink imported beer, and sing karaoke (extremely well)
Late Night: Strip club/hookah bar (make seedy underground/middle east contacts)
Sunday:
Morning: Relax- watch sports, grunt
Afternoon: depart DC, network on the way out
Evening: Arrive in Pitt, unfasten my peacoat, put my feet up, show Nums my business cards
It's shaping up to be a good time. Of course, this is only a tentative schedule and a rough one at that. These were just highlights. Until then, stay beautiful.
Monday, February 18, 2008
A Moveable Professional
As promised, I am delivering Part one of my epic saga regarding a one-day trip to Chicago for an interview.
The trip really began on the bus ride to the airport. If you don't know, Pittsburgh's airport is about 40 minutes out of town. 40 minutes, that is, unless you unprofessionally decide to leave during rush hour. The bus cuts through down town in order to cross the river (one of three, I've heard). For some reason, I assumed that the rush would be OUT of town, not INTO town. I guess that people, in their confusion, were willing to go anywhere traffic would let them, even if it was backwards and further into the Heart of Professional Darkness: The Dinner Hour.
Needless to say, I did two things while on the bus: I read a historically important book, Silent Spring by Rachel Carson and I made infrequent eye-contact with a Pitt girl sitting nearby. This was the first of several calculated moves to maximize my time on the plane. You see, when travelling, you should always arrive early to scope out all the women or wealthy businessmen so you can calculate the odds of networking with a potential employer or 'networking' (coppin' a feel) with a potential 'employer' (chick). Remember the ABCs of networking: Always Be Calculating. If you aren't making predictions on seating arrangements, someone else is, and there's a good chance they'll be sitting next to the hottie. When I entered the plane, I had a .09 chance of landing a good seatmate. Unfortunately, I was assigned to a seat by myself. Some things you can't predict.
When I landed in Chicago, I was immediately greeted with a couple making out in the middle of O'Hare. I don't know about you, but I just don't understand public displays of affection. They are such aggregious wastes of hands, laps, and lips. Hands are meant to be shook, laps are meant to support briefcases (or attache cases, depending on the fashion), and lips are meant to: A) passionately kiss your mistress in private B) network or C) keep tightly closed when making quick but necessary love to your wive/fiancee. The only logical purpose I see is possibly unnerving competitors in the area with your wild slashes of the tongue (young professionals ALWAYS use the tongue, even when unprompted. There's no need to waste time asking).
I was apprehensive when I arrived in Chicago, unsure how to act in such an openly hostile city. That isn't to say that Chicago is hostile to everybody, just young professionals. The danger to a young professional increases directly with the number of young professionals in the area. It is not too different than a jungle (no, not a LIPSTICK jungle, smart-ass). Each young professional is competing for 2 things, a better job and a better mate. As soon as they get the best job, they move up a floor, above the fray and into another fray. As soon as they get a better mate, they move further out of the city into the suburbs. Once in the suburbs, they further compete for even better mates. If they are content with their mate, they may instead spend their time earning outrageous amounts of money so they can move outrageously further away from the city into outrageously large homes and struggle to pay their child's outrageously high tuition/allowance.
As it stands, our young and professional hero is waiting for his bags in Chicago. Part II will continue the saga...
The trip really began on the bus ride to the airport. If you don't know, Pittsburgh's airport is about 40 minutes out of town. 40 minutes, that is, unless you unprofessionally decide to leave during rush hour. The bus cuts through down town in order to cross the river (one of three, I've heard). For some reason, I assumed that the rush would be OUT of town, not INTO town. I guess that people, in their confusion, were willing to go anywhere traffic would let them, even if it was backwards and further into the Heart of Professional Darkness: The Dinner Hour.
Needless to say, I did two things while on the bus: I read a historically important book, Silent Spring by Rachel Carson and I made infrequent eye-contact with a Pitt girl sitting nearby. This was the first of several calculated moves to maximize my time on the plane. You see, when travelling, you should always arrive early to scope out all the women or wealthy businessmen so you can calculate the odds of networking with a potential employer or 'networking' (coppin' a feel) with a potential 'employer' (chick). Remember the ABCs of networking: Always Be Calculating. If you aren't making predictions on seating arrangements, someone else is, and there's a good chance they'll be sitting next to the hottie. When I entered the plane, I had a .09 chance of landing a good seatmate. Unfortunately, I was assigned to a seat by myself. Some things you can't predict.
When I landed in Chicago, I was immediately greeted with a couple making out in the middle of O'Hare. I don't know about you, but I just don't understand public displays of affection. They are such aggregious wastes of hands, laps, and lips. Hands are meant to be shook, laps are meant to support briefcases (or attache cases, depending on the fashion), and lips are meant to: A) passionately kiss your mistress in private B) network or C) keep tightly closed when making quick but necessary love to your wive/fiancee. The only logical purpose I see is possibly unnerving competitors in the area with your wild slashes of the tongue (young professionals ALWAYS use the tongue, even when unprompted. There's no need to waste time asking).
I was apprehensive when I arrived in Chicago, unsure how to act in such an openly hostile city. That isn't to say that Chicago is hostile to everybody, just young professionals. The danger to a young professional increases directly with the number of young professionals in the area. It is not too different than a jungle (no, not a LIPSTICK jungle, smart-ass). Each young professional is competing for 2 things, a better job and a better mate. As soon as they get the best job, they move up a floor, above the fray and into another fray. As soon as they get a better mate, they move further out of the city into the suburbs. Once in the suburbs, they further compete for even better mates. If they are content with their mate, they may instead spend their time earning outrageous amounts of money so they can move outrageously further away from the city into outrageously large homes and struggle to pay their child's outrageously high tuition/allowance.
As it stands, our young and professional hero is waiting for his bags in Chicago. Part II will continue the saga...
Friday, February 15, 2008
Word of the Day Calendar
The young professional loves word of the day calendars. The young professional believes that each day should be enumerated and that each of those days should also be associated with a word that most people probably do not use or can not define. The word of the day calendar (or possible substitute: Ziggy calendar. Young professionals love Ziggy. He's a riot) is one of the young professionals favorite tools used for purposes of condescension, because you can never over-remind someone how much better you are than them. So in honor of one of the most important parts of any young professional's desk, here is the word of the day for February 15, 2008
February 15, 2008
Copious
(KO pee us)
Definition: (adjective) Very plentiful, abundant
Example: The young professional made copious amounts of contacts at the networking soiree.
Synonyms: ample, bounteous, replete
Aspiring young professionals, everywhere, I urge you to go out and use this word. Live this word. Network and make copious contacts. Or eat copious amounts of pita and hummus. Or drink copious macchiatos. Even buy copious rounds at the bar with colleagues because it's friday, and young professionals buy rounds, or no booze at all.
Take care.
February 15, 2008
Copious
(KO pee us)
Definition: (adjective) Very plentiful, abundant
Example: The young professional made copious amounts of contacts at the networking soiree.
Synonyms: ample, bounteous, replete
Aspiring young professionals, everywhere, I urge you to go out and use this word. Live this word. Network and make copious contacts. Or eat copious amounts of pita and hummus. Or drink copious macchiatos. Even buy copious rounds at the bar with colleagues because it's friday, and young professionals buy rounds, or no booze at all.
Take care.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentine's Day
While Jimmy "Nums" is out living the young professional lifestyle in Chicago, interviewing and networking professionally. I'm holding down the home base making sure things stay extra classy in the Steel City.
Briefly, I think it is important to tell you how a young professional should handle a day like today. This day is currently presenting me with a couple of exciting opportunities. First of all, it's my day off. In the professional world, the day off is your time to read Kafka and watch reruns of Law and Order. It is your time to go to the market and buy rich brazilian coffee grounds and exotic pacific fish for dinner, paired with a chablis or a chardonnay by cucumber melon candlelight. HOWEVER, as a YOUNG PROFESSIONAL, you do not spend your days off like regular professionals. Regular professionals are the old guard, they are outdated, and they will die off. You will take over. If you spend your days off as young professionals eating vitamin enriched soy steaks and drinking pomegranate juice (pomegranate is really hot right now) you'll never be ready to crush people at your feet as a professional. So, you're all wondering. "Hey! Guts! What do I do on my day off from work if I'm an aspiring young professional?" Well I'll tell you.
YOU GO INTO WORK, that's where I am now, and where you should be if it were your day off.
That's right. The young professional does not tire. He does not need days off. ESPECIALLY during the week. If you really want to live the right way you do more work than is asked of you and you do it quickly. If they cannot produce enough work for you, then they are no longer your boss.
Disclaimer: Working tirelessly is as much a sign of kissing up as it is of incredible ability. Remember to continue to crack jokes, make sarcastic comments, and generally look like you really don't want to be there. Wear jeans on your "non-day" off and make hilarious sexual references to colleagues because HEY! it's your day off, they can't fire you if you aren't really working. And if they try and fire you, remind them that you came in ON YOUR DAY OFF.
Now that I've dropped that bit of knowledge on you, it is time to hit the other major opportunity that this particular day presents. It is Valentine's Day.
Ah, love is in the air. High school sweethearts will exchange flowers and feel up each other's bras. Married couples will go to casinos and gamble away their kids' college funds. But whatever will the young professional do.
GET ENGAGED!
Young professionals love... getting engaged. They relish the opportunity to almost whole heartedly commit to another person. It doesn't make sense to marry someone right away, otherwise the young professional would have thousands of wives. Thats why engagements exist. They exist so we have something consistent for our friends who aren't professional or may be semi-professional to be jealous of.
The young professional on Valentine's Day should find a girl who is smitten with him and engage her. Not just in conversation, but in almost-matrimony. For every young professional, there are 7 or 8 secretaries who want to date young professionals. At least they think they want to date, but really, they want to get engaged. You're either engaged or you're a loser in the young professional world. It's Valentine's day. Go out, find that girl who has some feelings for you and ask her to marry you. If it doesn't work out, so what? get engaged again, get engaged as often and as fast as possible because you never know which one might be the perfect trophy wife.
If you're just getting used to the whole young professional lifestyle, and you don't think you can really jump to that kind of "commitment" you should go out and get some champagne, or Miller High Life, and find a girl who just looks good, or even smells good that you can hang out with for the night. Talk to her about how much you work and how since V-day falls on a thursday this year, you have to go into work early tomorrow. Remind her how much money you will inevitably make.
You just might find, that after a few drinks, she'll be ready to get engaged.
There you go, the Valentine's Day gifts that keep on giving, and no Little Timmy from Redmond, Washington, I'm not talking about herpes. I'm talking about knowledge.
Take care.
Briefly, I think it is important to tell you how a young professional should handle a day like today. This day is currently presenting me with a couple of exciting opportunities. First of all, it's my day off. In the professional world, the day off is your time to read Kafka and watch reruns of Law and Order. It is your time to go to the market and buy rich brazilian coffee grounds and exotic pacific fish for dinner, paired with a chablis or a chardonnay by cucumber melon candlelight. HOWEVER, as a YOUNG PROFESSIONAL, you do not spend your days off like regular professionals. Regular professionals are the old guard, they are outdated, and they will die off. You will take over. If you spend your days off as young professionals eating vitamin enriched soy steaks and drinking pomegranate juice (pomegranate is really hot right now) you'll never be ready to crush people at your feet as a professional. So, you're all wondering. "Hey! Guts! What do I do on my day off from work if I'm an aspiring young professional?" Well I'll tell you.
YOU GO INTO WORK, that's where I am now, and where you should be if it were your day off.
That's right. The young professional does not tire. He does not need days off. ESPECIALLY during the week. If you really want to live the right way you do more work than is asked of you and you do it quickly. If they cannot produce enough work for you, then they are no longer your boss.
Disclaimer: Working tirelessly is as much a sign of kissing up as it is of incredible ability. Remember to continue to crack jokes, make sarcastic comments, and generally look like you really don't want to be there. Wear jeans on your "non-day" off and make hilarious sexual references to colleagues because HEY! it's your day off, they can't fire you if you aren't really working. And if they try and fire you, remind them that you came in ON YOUR DAY OFF.
Now that I've dropped that bit of knowledge on you, it is time to hit the other major opportunity that this particular day presents. It is Valentine's Day.
Ah, love is in the air. High school sweethearts will exchange flowers and feel up each other's bras. Married couples will go to casinos and gamble away their kids' college funds. But whatever will the young professional do.
GET ENGAGED!
Young professionals love... getting engaged. They relish the opportunity to almost whole heartedly commit to another person. It doesn't make sense to marry someone right away, otherwise the young professional would have thousands of wives. Thats why engagements exist. They exist so we have something consistent for our friends who aren't professional or may be semi-professional to be jealous of.
The young professional on Valentine's Day should find a girl who is smitten with him and engage her. Not just in conversation, but in almost-matrimony. For every young professional, there are 7 or 8 secretaries who want to date young professionals. At least they think they want to date, but really, they want to get engaged. You're either engaged or you're a loser in the young professional world. It's Valentine's day. Go out, find that girl who has some feelings for you and ask her to marry you. If it doesn't work out, so what? get engaged again, get engaged as often and as fast as possible because you never know which one might be the perfect trophy wife.
If you're just getting used to the whole young professional lifestyle, and you don't think you can really jump to that kind of "commitment" you should go out and get some champagne, or Miller High Life, and find a girl who just looks good, or even smells good that you can hang out with for the night. Talk to her about how much you work and how since V-day falls on a thursday this year, you have to go into work early tomorrow. Remind her how much money you will inevitably make.
You just might find, that after a few drinks, she'll be ready to get engaged.
There you go, the Valentine's Day gifts that keep on giving, and no Little Timmy from Redmond, Washington, I'm not talking about herpes. I'm talking about knowledge.
Take care.
An Important and Professional Journey
I am not able to entertain and inform you (or in the words of a true young professional: enterform) today as I am in a hurry to do what every young professional enjoys doing on a Thursday night: travelling for business.
Not only will I be travelling with a professional purpose, I will also be interviewing on the next day with a professional purpose. In the very professional city of Chicago, no less. Believe me, there will be much to write about.
In the mean time, sip a double-mocha caramel machiatto until I return.
Not only will I be travelling with a professional purpose, I will also be interviewing on the next day with a professional purpose. In the very professional city of Chicago, no less. Believe me, there will be much to write about.
In the mean time, sip a double-mocha caramel machiatto until I return.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Brunch of Champions
They say breakfast is the most important part of the day. And to a young professional, the day is the most imporant part of the year. Therefore, in order to maximize every day, you need to maximize every meal. Thus, I am introducing the concept of the Brunch. As you will see, a Brunch combines the objectiveness of Lunch with the subjectiveness of Breakfast.
You see, young professionals have busy days. They rarely have time to eat both breakfast AND lunch. However, they must somehow find a way to both start the day off right with an early meal and have a sit-down mid-day networking oppurtunity. The Brunch, invented by high-acheiving young professionals in the mid-18th century Britain, combines these necessary components of a sky-rocketing career path.
There is some debate as to when the proper brunching time is. Some say it is around 10:15, before the McDonalds breakfast menu closes. Others swear that it is around 10:45, when the lunch menu is just getting started. I believe that is a combination of the both. You should arrive with your networking target around 10:15 and offer to buy the first round of Croissantwiches. A side of OJ is a sign of immaturity and weakness. You should procure two of the largest cups of coffee available (warning: stay away from the 'Free-trade' coffee, if possible. You don't want to make a political statement without even saying a word). Remember, when given the chance to drink coffee, drink as much as you can as fast as you can. Same goes for alcohol at a soiree and water at a water cooler. Young professionals often impress management-types with these feats of endurance.
Regardless of what time you choose to brunch (yes, it's a verb. Nearly anything is a verb in the hands of an aspiring young professional), it is key that you do not attempt to do work beforehand. The morning is for facial wraps and angry commuting. If a superior catches you working before properly brunched, it will show that you have a severe lack of priority.
By far the most important part of brunch is the conversation. Networks are built on strong, yet not overly opinionated words. You must show that you are well-rounded and you posess the ability to browse the newspaper during the aforementioned angry commute. Be careful to avoid saying anything of substance, as it may give you or your networking target an upset stomach. Yet you must cover as many topics as possible, maximizing your lung and jaw expenditures. Here is a fine example of brunch conversation: "That John McCain, senator from Arizona, sure does have a chance to compete in future primaries. Much like the Yankees will likely compete in future playoffs, if last night's episode of Nip/Tuck has anything to say about it." Clear, concise, professional.
So have a tater tot on me, young professionals. And remember: every breath you take is a promotion in the job of Life.
Jimmy 'Nums'
You see, young professionals have busy days. They rarely have time to eat both breakfast AND lunch. However, they must somehow find a way to both start the day off right with an early meal and have a sit-down mid-day networking oppurtunity. The Brunch, invented by high-acheiving young professionals in the mid-18th century Britain, combines these necessary components of a sky-rocketing career path.
There is some debate as to when the proper brunching time is. Some say it is around 10:15, before the McDonalds breakfast menu closes. Others swear that it is around 10:45, when the lunch menu is just getting started. I believe that is a combination of the both. You should arrive with your networking target around 10:15 and offer to buy the first round of Croissantwiches. A side of OJ is a sign of immaturity and weakness. You should procure two of the largest cups of coffee available (warning: stay away from the 'Free-trade' coffee, if possible. You don't want to make a political statement without even saying a word). Remember, when given the chance to drink coffee, drink as much as you can as fast as you can. Same goes for alcohol at a soiree and water at a water cooler. Young professionals often impress management-types with these feats of endurance.
Regardless of what time you choose to brunch (yes, it's a verb. Nearly anything is a verb in the hands of an aspiring young professional), it is key that you do not attempt to do work beforehand. The morning is for facial wraps and angry commuting. If a superior catches you working before properly brunched, it will show that you have a severe lack of priority.
By far the most important part of brunch is the conversation. Networks are built on strong, yet not overly opinionated words. You must show that you are well-rounded and you posess the ability to browse the newspaper during the aforementioned angry commute. Be careful to avoid saying anything of substance, as it may give you or your networking target an upset stomach. Yet you must cover as many topics as possible, maximizing your lung and jaw expenditures. Here is a fine example of brunch conversation: "That John McCain, senator from Arizona, sure does have a chance to compete in future primaries. Much like the Yankees will likely compete in future playoffs, if last night's episode of Nip/Tuck has anything to say about it." Clear, concise, professional.
So have a tater tot on me, young professionals. And remember: every breath you take is a promotion in the job of Life.
Jimmy 'Nums'
On the road to success...
On the road to becoming a young professional, there are certain things a person MUST do. In my line of work (paralegal/dangerman/guide for aspiring young professionals), it is important to understand the nuances of what it means to be a "young professional" in order to properly lead your life in that direction. Also, it is imperative to follow a set of guidelines, and also to know, NAY, to memorize what young professionals love to do, and in turn, love to do those things yourself.
Briefly, that is the goal. In what I like to call Zach's 3-Point Path to Achievement, you must Search. then, Understand. and finally, Lead by example. In order to lead, you have to gain the knowledge necessary. That is why we are here. We are here to teach you and to learn with you as well.
This is the first installment of what I hope to be long-running articles on the technical points of becoming a young professional. These are the nuts and bolts, the fiber, if you will, of our craft. There is no need to give it to you all at once, as the art of young professionalism is constantly evolving. So in between the valuable life lessons we will share with you, we will also mix in the textbook version, and yes, it will be on the test.
Article I : Ways to Live Better and Be Young and Successful or GUIDELINES. Article II: Knowing who you are, What Young Professionals Love to Do.
Ways to Live Better and Be Young and Successful or GUIDELINES:
1. The young professional is always dressed "ready to network," at any occassion even if the occassion is remarkably "low-key." Any occassion is an opportunity for networking. Networking is one of the most important, if not THE most important objective that a young professional works toward, so it is important to look good.
Ways to accomplish this: Here are a couple of essentials. They include, but are not limited to, a. Power ties. A young professional must have a power tie (or many power ties) these also function as your networking ties. These are strong vibrant virile ties that let your fellow young professionals (or OPPONENTS) know that if they aren't talking to you, they aren't talking to anyone.
b. Sport jackets. You should have a blazer. You should have a navy blazer. If you don't have a navy blazer, you can't network, you can't go to soirees, and you certainly can not go to Yacht parties.
c. Pea Coats. WOW. I can not stress how important a pea coat is. You are nobody if you think you can be a young professional and not have a pea coat. That is twisted logic. You need a pea coat. They are indestructible, respected everywhere, and indestructible. Networking without a peacoat is like drinking miller high life light, you're working without a net people! Listen to me. I know. I was nothing. Until I got my pea coat.
Knowing who you are, What Young Professionals Love to Do
1. Young Professionals Love... driving audis. You should really invest in an Audi if you are going to be commuting or just driving in general as a young professional. An audi is 1. Foreign, 2. Compact, and c. essential.
You have to be able to take an S curve like the German Militia who built your car. Your car should be small. Lose the trucks men and get yourselves some imports! Because the only thing you need to be hauling around is success.
That's it for now.
This is just the beginning. I hope you all stay with us on our quest, as we stay with you. And America. Be good to each other.
Briefly, that is the goal. In what I like to call Zach's 3-Point Path to Achievement, you must Search. then, Understand. and finally, Lead by example. In order to lead, you have to gain the knowledge necessary. That is why we are here. We are here to teach you and to learn with you as well.
This is the first installment of what I hope to be long-running articles on the technical points of becoming a young professional. These are the nuts and bolts, the fiber, if you will, of our craft. There is no need to give it to you all at once, as the art of young professionalism is constantly evolving. So in between the valuable life lessons we will share with you, we will also mix in the textbook version, and yes, it will be on the test.
Article I : Ways to Live Better and Be Young and Successful or GUIDELINES. Article II: Knowing who you are, What Young Professionals Love to Do.
Ways to Live Better and Be Young and Successful or GUIDELINES:
1. The young professional is always dressed "ready to network," at any occassion even if the occassion is remarkably "low-key." Any occassion is an opportunity for networking. Networking is one of the most important, if not THE most important objective that a young professional works toward, so it is important to look good.
Ways to accomplish this: Here are a couple of essentials. They include, but are not limited to, a. Power ties. A young professional must have a power tie (or many power ties) these also function as your networking ties. These are strong vibrant virile ties that let your fellow young professionals (or OPPONENTS) know that if they aren't talking to you, they aren't talking to anyone.
b. Sport jackets. You should have a blazer. You should have a navy blazer. If you don't have a navy blazer, you can't network, you can't go to soirees, and you certainly can not go to Yacht parties.
c. Pea Coats. WOW. I can not stress how important a pea coat is. You are nobody if you think you can be a young professional and not have a pea coat. That is twisted logic. You need a pea coat. They are indestructible, respected everywhere, and indestructible. Networking without a peacoat is like drinking miller high life light, you're working without a net people! Listen to me. I know. I was nothing. Until I got my pea coat.
Knowing who you are, What Young Professionals Love to Do
1. Young Professionals Love... driving audis. You should really invest in an Audi if you are going to be commuting or just driving in general as a young professional. An audi is 1. Foreign, 2. Compact, and c. essential.
You have to be able to take an S curve like the German Militia who built your car. Your car should be small. Lose the trucks men and get yourselves some imports! Because the only thing you need to be hauling around is success.
That's it for now.
This is just the beginning. I hope you all stay with us on our quest, as we stay with you. And America. Be good to each other.
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