The Young Professional Lexicon

Friends, family, foes and fortune hunters, together we are going to start a journey. I understand for a lot of you, the language we young professionals use can seem foreign or worse, extralocal (basic definition: foreign). But together we're going to make sense of it all with periodic entries into the YOUNG PROFESSIONAL LEXICON (basic definition: dictionary).

Some of these words should be very familiar to you all, but a lexiconical presentation would make them all the more comprehensible.

Networking: n. The single most important activity/objective with which a young professional is concerned. It includes, but is not limited to anything from business soiree's at the Ritz, to country club tee times with potential clients, to 11:15 brunch, to sexing your chief rival's secretary- all of which should begin and end with a firm handshake.

v. the act of creating a contact base by ANY MEANS NECESSARY

example: Networking is the single most important objective for any young professional.

Finagle: v. Specifically, To swindle or cheat colleagues, clients, or opponents out of the final bagel at brunch using your incredible young professional wit. Or to swindle or cheat colleagues, clients, or opponents out of anything worthy of swindling or cheating for... (which is everything)

example: Scott the young professional finagled his way into subway worker Elliot's girlfriend's pants by complimenting Elliot on his taste in music and buying him and his mom scalped concert tickets to see Michael Bolton.

Soiree: n. (1) A function or event most often held for a particular purpose (expansion, contraction, outsourcing). (2) Where networking happens. (3) An event, most commonly held in a fancy hotel lobby or hotel restaurant patio bar terrace. This event is a soiree if at least one or all of the following are present: (a) Soft silver platter with several kinds of meats and cheeses arranged in a circular or double-helix formation. (The dip is spooned by "The Help"). Also, foreign pastries. (b) classical string music (most often live). (c) anywhere between 5 and 70 pea coats (more than 70 and you may be in a coat store, less than 5 and you're just at any random office party). (d) A bar that has a basic, but delicious selection of booze that covers each unique young professional taste. (i.e. beer --> one light, one amber/bock/lager, one dark. wine--> one red, one white, one blush, one port. liquor--> vodka (belvidere), rum (meyers dark and capt. morgan), scotch (cutty sark)).

example: I really enjoyed the spanokopita that the sweet hotel manager served me at the Duquesne Club's soiree.

Demopublican: n. A young professional who classifies himself politically by the two names of the two scarcely blended political parties of the United States. The Democrats or (Donkeys) and the Republicans (Elephants). This is done with an admirable degree of humility even in the face of impending political confrontation around every corner (and a future run for local office in store, Mayor of Pittsburgh here I come). However, in the long run, it is extremely beneficial NOT to present any platform, step on any toes, or label oneself too early as a young professional.

example: Overly political college junior at some state school: "Hey yo, young professional guy, how would you umm, describe yourself politically? I'm a Republican! Fuck them Iraqiites!"
Young professional: "Joe, I'm a Demopublican and I may or may not support the war in Iraq for all of the reasons I stated earlier when I said that freedom, liberty, and happiness are qualities that every man, woman and child in the world should experience and the only way to do so may or may not be to install a democracy in an otherwise undemocratic nation whose strong and powerful and admirable dictatorship once ruled for years.

see also: n. Republocrat

Compliment: n. (1) Something given to a young professional for nothing other than the simple fact that he deserves it for being. (2) A pleasant statement made by a person to a young professional. This statement is made to get in good graces with the young professional because they make the strongest allies (also the strongest enemies).

v. When a young professional tells another "person" a well-crafted lie muddled with superfluous language to the point of actually sounding like a friendly gesture or remark even without any truth behind it. synonyms: lying, joking, not telling the truth.

example: The young professional complimented the subway worker on his dapper visor.


And now you know. Stay special.