3/7/08 Mailbag!

It's Friday, and that only means one thing: (well, besides leaving work fashionably early and heading to happy hour to buy rounds that is) it's time to sort through the mailbag. Last week I answered five questions out of hundreds of thousands of millions from our fans, aspiring young professionals everywhere. This week. I'll answer 5 more.

Reggie McNelson from Sacramento, CA writes....

Dear Guts,

I have a big golf outing with the partners from another investment banking firm. My boss is unable to attend and I have to go in his place, to "network." This is my first real big networking event, and it's golf on top of that and i'm a 10 handicap. How should I approach this delicate situation?

Dear Reggie,

I am extremely glad that you asked this question. I can't tell you how many letters I get each week from aspiring young professionals asking me how to handle situations just like yours. It seems like every day another YP is thrust into his very first networking situation and it always has several layers to it. I particular think your case is a compelling one. I'll address both the golfing and the networking.

First off, you need to be better at golf and fast. I can't remember the last time I had a double-digit handicap. Reggie, keep in mind you'll be meeting with professionals. These people have had years to practicie golf while neglecting their work (salty old procrastinators) they're at least 3 or 4 handicappers. What you need to do is get yourself in the 6-8 range. They won't be expecting some course record out of you, but they will expect you to be able to hit a draw from the right rough 168 yards out and stick it for a ten-foot birdie putt. The best advice I can give you when it comes to the golf is stay loose. Be confident, bring LOTS of cigars, at least 3 for each of you, if you don't smoke, start smoking, a lot, 1-3 cigars at a time to build a tolerance. Professionals love cigars and they talk about them, more than they talk about business. Also, CHEAT, and let them see you cheating. Improve your lie, kick a ball out from under a tree, CHEAT and CHEAT HARD and CHEAT CONSPICUOUSLY, they'll admire your guts.

As far as networking goes, your boss has dealt with these people a thousand times, so act like you did too. Call them by their first names, make up nicknames for them like Buster and Sport, young nicknames, they won't know what hit them, and if they come at you, just slide your business card out of your sleeve and hit them in the pocket with it. Make jokes about your boss not being able to show up, for example "Mr. Dickwad couldn't make it today. He's not very good at golf and even worse at networking." Then take a practice swing, hold the follow through, wink at the one you think most liked your joke, and then offer him a cigar.

Mick "Hollywood" Healy from South Bend, IN writes....

Guts,
I'm lost here. I followed your advice and asked my girlfriend of 9 minutes to marry me. She said no, and that I was moving too fast. But then she kissed me and said she still wants to make this work. I know you said I should just move on and engage some other "ho" but I really like this one, and I'm willing to put in the work for her. However, my respect and admiration for you is so great. I don't know what to do.

Mick,
I don't know what to say to you man. You had me at "I followed your advice." I should have just stopped reading there and thrown your letter into the "I helped another one" pile, but for some reason I continued to read. I read all the way to the part where you said "I know you said I should do blah blah but I blah blah" and boy was I pissed. You should do whatever I said to do. First of all, if that "girl" didn't say she'd marry you after 9 whole minutes, then you OBVIOUSLY didn't spend the first 8 minutes properly conveying how successful you were. You probably spent them COMPLIMENTING HER. No! I can not stress this enough. You state absolutely true and inflated statistics about yourself and wait for her to compliment you.
Oh and for kicks, I read the end. You like her enough to put the work in for her? Is she your reflection? because if she isn't than she isn't worth it. Once you decide to go in it for the long haul, after she turned down your initial engagement request, you've lost all control. Next she'll be driving your car or knocking you up or worse, voting libertarian in the upcoming election.

Patch Adams from Charlotte, NC writes...

Dear Guts,
First off I want to say I read this blog every day. If you don't update I wait patiently refreshing every half hour until you do. I think you are strong and sexy. You are a voice for all of us. That said, I hope this question makes it into your column so that everyone will know how much I love you. Question: Are you a Capricorn? I'm a Libra. Just kidding. Real Question. Who are you endorsing in the upcoming election? McCain or Hillary or Obama?

Patch,
I can't help but think Nums put you up to this, or that you are, in fact, Nums himself. However, on the off chance that you are a real fan and really do love me. I'll include you in this week. I knew this question would come up eventually. Most people just ask me if I'm Republicrat or Democrublican (see I can't even distinguish), or if I voted for Bush or Kerry or Nader. I haven't had many questions about '08. I want to put it out there right now, that I will in no way reveal what I am registered as in the state of Pennsylvania, nor will I put a formal endorsement out there until the field is a head to head matchup. After seeing one debate I will have enough knowledge to make an informed decision and I will present it in a manner befitting my status as a young professional. Patch, even though your love for me speaks volumes, I cannot truly answer this question. We all know that the pitfall of many young professionals is that they are too cavalier politically, that they will openly and positively discuss politics in any forum and more often than not, they something they will regret like Hillary Clinton is a psycho hose beast, Obama-Jihad, or McCain (you mean the dead guy?).

P.S. I'm a Gemini (twice the young professional you'll ever be)

Christine Thickpants from Baton Rouge, LA writes...

Dear Asshole,
That's right, I called you an asshole. Because that is what you are. Do you think that your post about women in 1943 was funny? It was degrading. Times have changed, and as a young professional, or a "self-proclaimed" young professional, you should know that women have assumed more power in the 21st century. We're equal. I was an avid follower of your columns but now, you've lost a fan. I might even start my own.

Christine?
I'm terribly sorry. I don't speak Cajun. Until they get a Cajun to English translator on the Interweb I don't think I'll be able to respond to you. Using my extensive forensic knowledge I did some cross-referencing and hair sampling and found that you did put a date in there, 1943. I'm not sure if that's a birthdate or a reference to an article that I found on the Internet about employing women? Either way, happy birthday.


Bruce Sykes from Caledonia, OH writes...

Dear Guts,
I am graduating college this spring and will probably try and get a job and start my life as a young professional. I've been reading what you and Nums have to say and I really think I could do this. I just had a couple questions that I don't think you clarified yet. 1. What sorts of TV shows or movies should I be watching? 2. Do you and Nums have a book club? and 3. I read in Urban Dictionary that a young professional is: I quote "A recent college graduate whose main objectives in life include: career advancement, becoming financially secure, spending too much of their yearly income on expensive clothing and maintaining a busy social life. ex. The young professionals drank martinis at the bar while comparing their Prada shoes and financial portfolios. What do you think of that?

Bruce,
This question is very upsetting to me. I'll answer in order.

1. I suggest watching tv shows that present complex storylines, relate to your profession, make you think outside the office. No MTV, No VH1, I'm talking shows like Lost and Jeopardy. I'm particularly a big fan of Dexter. Nums and I also watch a lot of Law and Order, the History Channel, and American Idol. Also, check in on CNN every once in a while and beef up on your politics. While I do not condone harboring strong to very strong political feelings, I do condone knowing everything. This question also may inspire me in the future to post a strong to very strong tv-write up

2. We do not have a "book club." Book clubs are for old women who have nothing better to do with their time i.e. Oprah, my Aunt Darla, and your mom. We do, however, promote reading books such as Ziggy, GQ, Forbes and Time. Also, authors who are considered edgy, Noir, avant-garde, or pretty much any other french word, are good and necessary reads. Nums is a little less lenient when it comes to reading so if you want to know how he feels ask him.

3. Urban dictionary? What is that? Some sort of Hip-Hop group. I'm confused. It's people like that who give what we do a rap. No pun intended. Martinis??? are you kidding me? Maybe when I'm 45 and about to die!

Spending too much of my yearly income... of course... on expensive clothing? Absolutely not. A young professional sho uld blow his wage on Everything. Strippers, beer, a fast audi, then maybe think about clothing.

Compare prada shoes and financial portfolios? What the hell is prada? Is it fine Italian alligator skin that I stole from an opponent? Does comparing mean stomping my competition with my shoes? If it is and if it does, then maybe this Urban Dictionary group is on to something. Oh and I don't know about you, but I never take my financial portfolio out with me. No! that shit is hanging on my wall above my head board (my bronze headboard) and the only way you are getting a chance to compare yours with it is if I'm making loveless animal sex with you.

Until next time. Stand tall. Fly Straight. Eat your vegetables. Live forever.