Profile of a Young Professional Hero: Alexander Hamilton

They say that America was built on the backs of immigrants, but really it was beneath the polished wing-tipped shoes of young professionals climbing the staircase of success. And the first man to ever step on that staircase is a true American and a true Young Professional: Alexander Hamilton.



Alexander Hamilton was born on January 11 some year in the past. I say that because his birth records are unclear and it adds to his mistique. He was born out of wedlock to a frenchish mother and a scottish father. His bastardism is important, as all young professionals are driven by at least one demon of their past.

The demons of his past kept piling up, though, as his step-father left the family, his mother died and a hurricane devasted his Carribean island home. Always professional, he wrote a convincing piece to some newspaper that got him a scholarship to some school in New Jersey. I believe the article was about how to wear a pea-coat in the Carribean and still keep your cool, but I'm not sure. It could also easily have been about the rising prices of corn. Young professionals never pass up an opportunity to take advantage of natural disasters.

He did well in school and at the young age of 20(ish) realized that the American Revolution was occuring and saw an awesome chance to network.

He joined the artillery in New York, blew up some Redcoats and blew away his superiors. He networked himself all the way to be George Washington's chief of staff for the majority of the war by the age of 23(ish). It's interesting to note that Hamilton was involved with many of the tall tales associated to Washington. Throwing his wooded teeth across the Potomac, for instance. Few people realize that right before that Hamilton had made those wooden teeth by lobbing a tree up in the air and throwing a bunch of axes at it. He also covered George's ass when he chopped down the cherry tree. "I cannot tell a lie," said George. "Me neither. I can make you a sweet pair of cherry flavored dentures for the price of one dollar and that dead cherry tree. Hi, I'm Alexander Hamilton, and here's my card," said Hamilton.

As an adult, he was highly influential in shaping the early country. However, he is more famous for his death at a relatively young age (49ish) in a duel at the hands of evil Aaron Burr.



A young professional doesn't stand a chance in a duel. We're way too busy doing other things, like worrying about rising corn prices. It is a common way for young professionals to die, even today.

I hear the kids today say, "Who dis Alexander Hamiltons and how comes I's never hurd 'bout him 'round hurr?" It's a valid question, regardless of its grammatical weaknesses. He's barely mentioned in history books. But everyone knows that history books are written by old, slimy professionals. Young professionals are too busy MAKING history... and making history books (there's good money in publishing). Even today, old, inefficient codgers who fill the upper levels of the government with gunk are working hard to marginalize him.

Do you think I'm joking? Mr. Hamilton (as he was known to his friends) was the first secretary of the Treasury. Now, the crap-soaked old professionals who run his once beautiful department are trying to kick him off the $10 bill! Look:

Before money-raping:


AFTER money-raping:


They are literally marginalizing him. They are pushing him towards the margin. I'm sure if they had things their way, they would replace Hamilton with some jerk just to spite him. You know what? I bet they would put Aaron Burr on there and laugh! You think i'm joking again? Look at this sneak peek at the next version of the $10 bill:



And yes, that is a tear coming from Hamilton's eye, because he cares about America.

But he's not crying for himself, because he knows that, for aspiring young professionals, it's all about the Hamiltons.